BWE.tv and The Mystery Of Who Molested Corey Haim

After dropping the 'we were both molested' bombshell on their reality show The Two Coreys, troubled teen stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim have set our minds to wondering who could be responsible for something so reprehensible. Feldman says he fell victim to his own assistant, but Haim has remained tight-lipped, offering only that it was one of Feldman's friends, but also insisting that it was not Michael Jackson, as we'd all reasonably presumed. After conducting an extensive investigation into their early careers, BWE.tv has prepared the following list of Corey-Molesting Suspects. Here are our findings:

Suspect: Alex Winter
Relationship: The Coreys' Lost Boys co-star
Incriminating Evidence: While we may have thought we knew him as the lovable Bill S. Preston, Esquire, the 80's time-traveling slacker from the Valley, Ted's lesser half showed us a darker, more evil side as a leather-jacket-wearing jerry-curled vampire-biker henchman in The Lost Boys, which guess what, also starred Coreys Feldman and Haim.
Odds Of Guilt: 50-1

Suspect: The Guy Who Played Sloth
Relationship: Co-starred with Feldman in Goonies
Incriminating Evidence: The candy-loving freak with superhuman strength who lives in the basement and loves children? Sure he was partial to the portlier kids like Chunk, but come on, there's something not very trustworthy about the way his eyes never quite seem to line up on that odd, misshapen head of his.
Odds Of Guilt: 30-1

Suspect: Kiefer Sutherland
Relationship: Co-starred with both Coreys in The Lost Boys, and with Feldman in Stand By Me.
Incriminating Evidence: Why did Jack Bauer want ...

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