America's Next Top Model: I Hope Isis Wins

Ty Ty has summoned you back for the new cycle of America's Top Model. I could go into what the show is about, but I think you're already know. Well, if you're new around here - there's a crazy woman with a shiny forehead who gives conflicting advice to fame-starved "models." She's assisted by two homosexuals, and a variety of "artistic" people. It's one of the better comedies on TV. Just don't get Ty Ty mad. You will live to regret it.

Tyra just said the NEXT DECADE of America's Next Top Model? DECADE? She wants to go for 20? Jesus, I don't think I have it in me. They're back to LA this cycle which is dumb because New York is where the models are.

Here comes the 33 dumbass victims. Tyra is talking about looking forward to the future. Here's the bus. Hannah is from Alaska, and they don't have freeways or people. Is she one of those feral children. That would totally be a hot prob this cycle.

Ty Ty has summoned you back for the new cycle of America's Top Model. I could go into what the show is about, but I think you're already know. Well, if you're new around here - there's a crazy woman with a shiny forehead who gives conflicting advice to fame-starved "models." She's assisted by two homosexuals, and a variety of "artistic" people. It's one of the better comedies on TV. Just don't get Ty Ty mad. You will live to regret it.

Tyra just said the NEXT DECADE of America's Next Top Model? DECADE? She wants to go for 20? Jesus, I don't think I have it in me. They're back to LA this cycle which is dumb because New York is where the models are.

Here comes the 33 dumbass victims. Tyra is talking about looking forward to the future. Here's the bus. Hannah is from Alaska, and they don't have freeways or people. Is she one of those feral children. That would totally be a hot prob this cycle.
Here's Sheena. She's tough, from Harlem and takes exception to one of the other bims calling her "Oriental." She's very V-H1. Sheena says she's "magnifying" and to prove this she throws her leg up high. So is the glass in her coochie?

Meanwhile, in the Valley, at porn studio, the bus pulls up. Time for the DP cycle girls! The Jays come out in futuristic silvery outfits which TOTALLY look sorta like Robert Urich did in Ice Pirates when he had to wear that white bodysuit and act asexual. Mr. Jay's moobs are pushing at his foil jacket and giving me shivers.

They're at the Top Model Institute of Technology, say the Jays. This year's theme could actually be called "Imagine Blair's cousin on Facts of Life." A wonky-eyed lass named Marjorie thinks the theme is appropriate. The girls change into domme boots and bodysuits.

There's a bodyscan station. Its like bad Disney theming! Elina is a vegan and liberates animals. Which means she's going to have to pose with a dead one, mark my words. Kacey knows how to have class, which means the other black chicks are going to think she's a bitch when she starts acting snotty.

Mr. Jay wants to roll his eyes at this futuristic bullshit. Ms. Jay is just focusing on how much he loves his silver pageboy wig. Girls walk. Clark is going to be the class "c" you next Tuesday. I can tell already. The Jays crack up at Joslyn..who has tired out over THIRTY TIMES. Her twirling makes them laugh at her. She's out. You know Jaslene was her touchstone.

Ms. Jay's hormones are preventing her from saying "Top Model Institute of Technology" correctly. So the ridiculous bullshit continues with like, a model machine and dumb bitches are worried that they'll be permanently altered. If only!

The machine bursts into fireworks and Tyra comes out as a robot. The girls act like the Jonas Bros just came out. Nekaysha says Tyra is so "hot" and "fake." She just totally summed up the entire show. Right there. Awesome first name spelling and brains. Give her the win right now.

Tyra does more of her bullshit acting. I can't take it. Though I like her crystal cum lips. I need some of that lipglass! The Jays are called Alpha and Beta in this theming. This is like PBS special effects from Ghost Writer.

So it's panel time. Tyra, and the Jays pose and get ready. Brittney B. strolls in acting, posing and screaming. Her scream just knocked Nekeysha out of the top spot for me. Tyra is pissed because Brittney can't name five fashion designers. Let me see if I can...Stella McCartney, John Galliano, uh....Christian Siriano? Old Navy? I can't either. Brittney carries her lucky Top Model panties in her hand.

Lauren Brie is a cheese princess, and her Dad is chief of police. Tyra says that her "beautiful blue eyes are beautiful." Tyra's descriptive powers are beyond imagining. Analeigh is an ice skating peacenick who was sold to a Saudi Arabian prince. That's glamour. There's a movie in there. A John Waters movie.

Meanwhile, out in the low production values lobby, the girls are having a Soul Train line. Is there music? Clark is an asshole, and she just walks down the line and claims she will manipulate a girl in a second. She says she's a strong woman and Tyra wants to smack her.

Kacey's friends and family don't like her, and she lost all her white friends because they didn't understand her hair (???). Here's Marjorie. She's French, slap her. Marjorie's got that Agnyss Dean whatever the hell her name is going on. She makes Tyra speak tongues in France. Joslyn feels the girls are "a'ight right now." Give it a minute.

Veronique is a Mormon, and she got sent to a lockdown facility for having sex. Nice parents. Here's Isis. She's the man. For real. She gives her spiel. Oh, and she has a penis! Wow. That might screw up the bathing suit competition, right? Actually, no. She's in a bikini and I'm already rooting for her over some of these other sluts.

Kacey calls Isis over to the group. And she's honest with them, and gets several hairy eyeballs. Kacey asks about nude scenes, Isis says she's fine. Sheena digs her but then Clark starts talking about Isis and acting all disgusted and I want to reveal to her that her Mommy used to be a man, too and that her real parents were brother and sister.

Clark says she'll stomp "that man" right out of the competition. Ugh. Oh oh, Sheena is Sheena says Sheena. We got a Suede in the house. Stop it now before it gets too late. And I liked her and her "magnifying" at first. Someone buy some spray or something or set a trap. Tyra comments on Sheena looking like Kimora Simmons - who is very trans, way more than Isis.

Tyra guesses correctly that Sheena dates black dudes. Like I said, she's got some Flava of Love about her. Here comes Lindsey, she's thin for a plus-size. Tyra admits she knows cellulite very well. We saw the photo, don't worry. Brittany's claim to fame is that she once posed on the cover of a Las Vegas magazine wih a corn cob. Way to go. Actually she says that black girls aren't shown around Vegas and she wants to correct that.

Lunchtime. Hannah is representing middle class people. And she feels that she's sweet, and ignorant. She's also a hair thrower, her head keeps whipping from side to side. She grew up without heat in her home. She can also imitate an attacking moose. She also likes hand gestures. Tyra plays a moose (heh) and then shows Hannah how to run in terror fiercely.

Joslyn seems nice. Tyra makes Joslyn do a fake commercial so she can mock her Southern voice. How come whenever anyone asks someone to do a fake commercial - they have to get sexy with it. Joslyn says that a towel will make you "wet-free." They bring up Elina's meat free life. She's also bi.

Kacey turns out to be a homophobe when she discovers Elina's bisexuality. And then Elina turns me off when she says she wants Clark. UGH. Vegan and into Clark? WRONG.

BIG WHITNEY! Better production values...still no job. Nekeysha shows up and it turns out she flashed her boobs at her audition and she has chicken cutlets. And she does it again. And then she throws the cutlets at Ms. Jay. She don't want em'! Nekeysha also says that if you ask her to do something, she'll do it. Her 18 kids must be so proud.

Brittany S. is a kickboxer and dates an Ultimate Fighter. Is that like dating a Transformer or a Thundercat? She also has stroke mouth. Susan is a  Harvard graduate and sorta dykey and an obvious Republican. She can't name any heroes of literature...in fact, she might have lied about Harvard. Tyra says Harvard is embarrassed, as if the Harvard faculty watches this shit.

Oh my god, Tara Reid! No, Samantha. She also can't name five models that are currently working right now. Tyra brings up doing her homework more often. The Future Jays change into pink. Mr. Jay's plasterhead is fading fast. The girls will have their palms scanned and then Imovie will put up some Access Granted lyrics.

Isis made it. Clark did too, argh. Mean Girl. Neykeysha gets taken aboard the Mothership with these "hot aliens." Renee cries and cries because her ass didn't make it. Ooh, hot photographer chub! I love it! Mr. Jay is referring to Tyra as "Tyrabot." Metallic catsuits! Elina's here to spread the word about animals. Well, at least she has a motive. I can't wait until she chains herself to Tyra.

Samantha made herself up like a Droog or something. Clark has always seen her self as "exceptional to other people." Oh you smelly pussy. You stink like hot garbage to me. Sheena plays around with balls. Big plastic ones. Kacey is being mean to Isis. Why isn't cute chub photographer introduced?

Nigel is here with Top Models in Action! Ooh, Tocarra! This is way better than Whitney! Let's see more! The Jays are now in trenchcoats. Annaleigh has windy hair. There's three Britne(a)eys. Drop one! Tyrabot and the Jays are reminded of Whitney by seeing Big Lindsey. Yeah, they're both fat!

The three witches note Samantha's Droog makeup, and Mr. Jay earns my respect when he slowly says "that's...her...creativity." Hee. Tyra sees through the future of Lauren's ugliness. That's nice. All the ugliness? They agree that Clark is ugly ugly because she's pretty pretty.

They teleport some more. The dorkiness is getting to me. Beam fiercely? Who's in? Sheena! Good. She salutes Tyrabot. Annaleigh. Yay? Windy hair. Nekeysha. Yay. I like her hair. Marjorie. Hey, Agyness! Samantha wants Tyra to swear. Tyra should yell "PSYCH! LEAVE BITCH!" Elina's in. Good. She'll get violent. Brittany R.'s in. She's the one with the corncob. I like corn. Kickboxer Brittany is in. Scary. Brittany B. is the one with the lucky panties. Keep those away from me. Hannah is in. Is she wearing a johnny? Ugly Angelic Lauren is in. Isis is in, too. You knew she would be.

Clark's in. F*ck me gently with a chainsaw. Joslyn's in. Kacey is not. Good, homophobe. She collapses into tears. How did Joslyn audition 30 times when they're on the 11th cycle? Good question, Ty Ty. Wait, she did say she drove to multiple auditions. Her car has some damn mileage on it.

Kacey is CRYING HER EYES OUT. There's a rat looking girl in the background who I'm not sure I remember. She's fascinating! Keep her! Brittany is sniffing her lucky panties. Please stop. Hannah's like we don't have billboards in Alaska. Oh, easy there, Jewel. Sheena screams in Asian about "yellow fever." I am not touching that one.

The models travel in old school convertibles and Tyra's on the radio. Samantha is missing graduation and Prom to be there. You're not missing much. The kickboxer is so red...red clothes, red hair. She's like Ronald McDonald's niece. Marjorie was homeschooled and French.

The girls end up on a rooftop. Brittney Kickboxer is now McKey. And Brittney Lucky Panties is now Sharonda? The Jays show up. No one's thrown Isis off the roof, yet. Mr. Jay says there's 14 lucky bitches in Los Angeles. The girls will be traveling in a hot party bus. We know this because Samantha boards it and goes "PAAARRTTEEE!" Oh Samantha. Nikeysha loves the house. If Hannah drops the "I'm from Alaska, where's there no oxygen" one more time...I'm going to scream.

The new house has awards for ugliest cry and dumbest bitch. Isis answers the questions and we find out she tucked so well in her bikini with tape. It's not Sharonda, it's Sharaun and we discover that she's a bigot. She says that a drag queen won't be America's Next Top Model. Wow, she's really smart. Go sniff your panties and shut your muff, Sharaun.

Marjorie is self-concious and uncomfortable with herself. Isis goes for a swim in board shorts. Wow, her interview earrings are BIG. It was the first time she's swum as a woman. Kickboxer likes Isis and thinks she's way tougher than her, and I like Kickboxer. Clark says that Isis makes her uncomfortable and it freaks her out. Clark says Isis would get shot in her small town. Clark says her good Southern family background made her get thrown back about Isis. Thats a good Southern family? What a gaping prolapsed asshole she is.

Kickboxer is beating up furniture. Tyra Mail acknowledging the US Postal Service! They go to the Magic Castle which is a place I'm dying to go to. A gay magician is here named Ed Alonzo. The Jays are his assistants. AND NIGEL BARKER'S IN THE MAGIC BOX! Sheena is turned on! Ed Alonzo makes fun of modeling and Paulina's here looking gorgeous! I love her. She has absolutely no fear of Tyra.

Each model will get one-on-one face time with the judges. Some of these bitches can't speak! Marjorie is already wringing her hands. Ed Alonzo disappears in a burst of gay. Models run to find judges. Sharaun introduces herself to Paulina as America's Next Top Model. Paulina: "Orly?" HAH! But then Sharaun says she doesn't want anyone to see her as "cocky or arrogant." Nice work!

Vaginahound Nigel Barker asks Sharaun about the differences between ANTM and a beauty queen and calls Sharaun on her mockery of "world peace." Kickboxer tells Paulina if a photographer propositions her, she will kick him in the balls and punch him in the face. Remind me never to ask her if she wants seconds or who she's voting for this year.

Marjorie is a bundle of nerves. She's making me cringe. Nigel is checking out Isis' ass and no one told him that she had a dick. That makes me deliriously happy. There's a big present on the lawn! It's full of clothes and other assorted things! Sheena talks to Marjorie about her confidence level. Tyra looks old and lesbionic in her Tyra Mail photo. I see mouth lines.

Oooh, a voting theme! They can pose with Bristol Palin's fetus! The girls have to convince a younger generation to vote via sex poses. Marjorie is a f*cking basket case...and she needs to be shot with a tranq dart. She can pose, though.

Clark doesn't know what bureacracy is, and Kickboxer won't tell her. HAH! Clark also gives Mr. Jay the same face in every picture. Well, she has two...use the second one! Kickboxer doesn't know how to model, so Mr. Jay has her punch her way through her photoshoot.

Big Whitney is flopping her big cow tits all over NYC! Still, no job! Hannah poses. They don't have voting in Alaska so she's at a loss. Isis poses in a voting booth, and Sharaun says she can't be sexy because she's pre-op. This woman sniffs a lucky pair of panties. She's one step up from a Early Man. The girls start making cracks about Isis' body hair and that she needs to shave. Have you ever?

Sheena is posing with a gas pump and Mr. Jay keeps screaming "hooch" at her. And it is. She looks like the cover of Asian Gang Bang Vol.4. Analeigh is excited about her issues. Elina finds Sharaun repulsive. Me, too! She also doesn't know what "convulted" means. Lauren Brie Cheese needs to smile with her eyes before.

Nekeysha is a clone! Can someone address the abuse of Isis? No one said a word. Ugh, don't make me get serious in a recap. Tyrabot is here for panel! And she's got some wrist warmers in full effect. Oooh, Ms. Jay will be rocking a pendant countdown!

Marjorie is shy France. Sharaun is noted as a leg spreader. No kidding, eh? Clark admits she doesn't know what bureacracy is. Maybe she should have looked up what it meant before panel before her ass got there so she wouldn't look like a mallethead.

Nekeysha is told to surrender her sweater and her legs look amputated. She also chooses to interrupt Tyra at every turn. Which will get her ass totally thrown out and will also result in Nekeysha getting run over by Tyra's limo. Joslyn notes her unemployment. Analeigh is sweet. Tyra's brother's in the Air Force for 20 years! Who knew? I love when the judges mock Hannah's appreciation of Gossip Girl.

Sheena is so street. The judges love Kickboxer's punching shot. HAH! Suck it, Clark! Lauren Brie is told to have more of an ugly pretty face, which I thought she was already cursed with. Isis' hair looks jacked, but she gets good grades for a photoshoot that involved people mocking her off camera.

I am dying for Tyra to tell Nigel that Isis is trans. What that short cute comedian calls transvestite realization face. Clark is noted as one of the worst photos. They should have used the red tape for her mouth. Tyra throws her legs up for healthcare. She reminds me of Sharaun. Legs apart, gross mind. Nigel doesn't give me the face when he hears about Isis!

We find out that the first name called in judging this cycle gets her photo put up in the house for a week. Yay. I like when Elina walks so slowly. She will be hurried for no one. Either that or she's wan from only eating soy beans and tofu.

Hannah's in. They don't have winning in Alaska! It's down to Sharaun and Nekeysha. I say go with Nekesyha! Sharaun is a dush. That's "douche" spelled with fierce. Nekeysha is called on her interrupting and SMILES! She also laughs at Sharaun when she collapses on the runway after being kicked. HAH! That's for being a mean, bigoted bitch. Oh and by the way? "The drag queen?" Still in the picture, asshole.

Sharaun thinks she would have made a wonderful top model. I don't. I think you'd make a wonderful door stop or speed bump. Oh, and I hope some trans people drive my and throw eggs at you.

Next - Sheena's a pool dancer, Elina scores Clark, and Hannah's a racist. Well, I guess racism is the one thing they have in Alaska.

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