Shear Genius: When Being A Drag Queen Would Come In Handy

Helloooooooo gasmii! I am so sorry about the length of time required to get this recap to you! As you may or may not recall, I was in Louisville, KY this weekend helping my drag queen friend compete for National Entertainer Of The Year, and let me tell you, when we finished, the bottoms of my dancing shoes were completely caked with glitter, sequins, rhinestones... and hair (ew)! Amazingly, I heard this past week's episode of Shear Genius being discussed by several people, quite possibly because the challenge to our hapless stylestants this week involved none other than WIGS... ...and if it's one thing bitches like these know, it's wigs. That, and how to spot someone holding up a dollar tip in the dark up to 500 paces away. Oh yeah, and how to use stiletto heels as real stilettos. We were lucky to escape with our lives and our dental work. But anyhow, even more amazing than the challenges this week was the fact that not only did Paulo cry (no, really) but almost everyone else did, too, and that's why this week was a Very Special Episode that is going to be hatefully hard to make fun of... but then again, if this past weekend proved anything, it's that I'm always up for a challenge... and a Bud Light. You're gonna love it, and it all begins after the jump... And speaking of drag queens, I am sooooo missing my Drag Queen Meredith now. Girl, we didn't know what we had in you until you went away! I hope you're doing well and that you will understand that me calling you a Drag Queen is a sincere form of respect, and not meant in the pejorative at all... ...In Memory Of Beloved Drag Queen Meredith... Episode 1-4... ...and then there were 8. Who will walk away with 100 G's, get shackled to Nexxus' Apprentice Program, have a fleeting opportunity to style hair for one measly magazine layout and wind up drunk in a bar somewhere bellowing "I'm Shurrr Gennusssss-er... -ack.. *blurk*"!?!? And speaking of stabby faces from last week, here is Underdog Nicole's... ...I'd be mad if I were wearing Harvest Lemon Formica'¢, too... We're back at Casa Del Malo Pelo which might or might not be in Hermosa Beach, and Underdog Nicole is missing Drag Queen Meredith, too and aimlessly wandering around the house like a lonely blonde waif with a penchant for stabbing people. She spies a bowl of numbered mega-yellow-flip-flops on the table and impishly decides to take first pick and not tell the other stylestants about it. I wonder what poor P.A. at Bravo/Universal/NBC gets the enviable job of breaking and entering into the house after everyone has passed out and setting up these lame-ass props for them to find? You couldn't pay me enough to walk into a house where Lesbiana Dee was hibernating, that bitch would cut first and dispose of the body parts later... Anyhow, Underdog Nicole picks the flip-flops that have the number 3 on them (hmmmm, is it strategy or is it because the number 3 looks like devil's-horns when turned on it's side?) and then calls out to the others to come upstairs and see the clue that's been left for them... ...heyyy, if Flipit wears flip-flops, does he call them Flipit-flops? Hmmmm... They all pick out a pair of these hideous nuclear-yellow things and Dallas Daniel asks "Who's gonna win the chaylinge t'day y'all?" Immediately Lesbiana Dee raises her hand and growls "I am!" Ugh, shut yer yap, Dee, you don't even know what the challenge is yet. I swear, Ol' Skunky McPussMunch is working my last nerve! (gay eye-roll) And speaking of gay eye-rolls, Ã'ber-Gay Paulo pipes up that he really needs a win, he's getting depressed being on the bottom so much. I kinda feel for him, but then I remember that he has the same hair coloring as Dee and I want to punch his puss. Underdog Nicole starts talking about how sad she is that Meredith wasn't there to tell her a bedtime story about being backstage at the Baton Show Lounge on Clark Street and having to show some newbie how to penis-tuck properly, and while she sounds sad, her face oddly enough seems to tell a different story altogether... ...she must be sad on the inside, then... ...and this prompts the others to start making fun of her so-called "sad face"... Dallas Daniel attempts to emulate it... ...which only proves he's a wack-job on the outside... ...and now I will have nightmares for months about glaring gay square-frames coming after me and drawling all over everything. Damn you, Bravo! Anyhow, Nicole actually admits that she doesn't really feel bad for Meredith and gives them all a grin made of pure evil. Watch out stylestants! Bitch is tricksy! The moment is kinda awkward, so Dallas Daniel suggests "Let's cheers with owr flawps!" and they all hold up the stupid things and shake them back and forth and go "Yay!" and "Woo!" and "Urp!" (maybe that was just me). Awww, they're all friends! Or are they....? They all trudge down to the beach and meet a windblown Jaclyn Smith, who welcomes them to the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon... at the beach! They all yay and woo like it isn't a few folding chairs with TV trays set up next to them. Jaclyn congratulates Female Glenn again and oh... my... god... as if the "Allure Wall Of Fame" wasn't insulting enough before (it usually looks like a bunch of mall or airport ads), now it's been reduced to the "Allure Sandwich-Board Of Fame"... ...only the best for Shear Genius 2... Jaclyn asks Charlie how it felt to be in the bottom 3 for the first time and perkily responds "It sucked... but it's always nice to see how the other half lives..." which makes Jaclyn giggle. Oh, how Jaclyn must love the bitchy gays. She introduces today's guest judge, who has become a mainstay on the red carpet working with Jennifer Garner, Salma Hayek and RuPaul (okay, not RuPaul, but that would have been fabulous and right in line with my drag-queen theme this week)... Oscar Blandi! ...and damn my eyes if that isn't the scoopiest Roman Nose evah!... Oscar has also worked on Ultimate Scientology Prisoner Katie Holmes and lived to tell about it. Oh yeah, and he also did hair for the blonde and boobilicious Kellie "Stupid Is As Stupid Does" Pickler.... so we know he's used to working with both robots and inflatable sex dolls. And oh Jeebus, Mayree and Josefina, he's got a fucking Accent Of Death, too! "Hi guyss... Ima glud to bee heer, anI'm verr egside to see you wark!" He's supposed to be Italian, but he sounds like he's Balki's cousin from Mypos. I'm going to call him Oscar Balki from now on. Jaclyn tells the stylestants that today's Short Cut Challenge (called "Beach Boys") is going to involve them having to transform the style of their client's hair after a long day at the beach to a clean polished look appropriate for a night out... Oscar Balki jumps in with "I wo be jodging you on you tagnikul skillss, creauhtivuhtee, and you abiluhdee to stul harr unda hahsh condition of the bitch!" I perk up... ooh, is Tabatha coming back this week? Oh, he meant BEACH! He continues "You wul bee parfarming you cat an stul widout deabiluhdee to wash deharr!" Heyyy, they're gonna style unwashed kitties this week, yayyyy! Imagine my shock when Jaclyn introduces the clients trudging their way up the beach from the ocean... ...they shoulda called it Dirty Smelly Surfer Dudes... ...as the authentic California Surfer Dudes'¢ jog up and into the Nexxus Beach Salon, Exotic Nekisa, Emo Gail and Female Glenn are all immediately knocked face first into the sand by the force of Daniel's, Charlie's and Paulo's instant and massive erections behind them. I think there's gonna be a few shaky hands today, and possibly a few oogy undies, too. It turns out that the numbered flip-flops correspond with a number greasepainted on the arm of each of the Surfer Dudes. Sorry, Underdog Nicole... your getting first pick of the numbers really didn't mean jack shit today... but she's super excited anyways, because the Surfer Dude she got was... ...crack-a-lackin'!!!... Jaclyn tells them this challenge is not going to be "a day at the beach" (groan) as all they'll have to work with are their shears, battery-powered clippers and a spray bottle. She gives them 30 minutes and Oscar Balki garbles out "Estahlest... you tuddy miness estarr... noww!" Everyone just looks at each other until Bronson Pinchot jumps out and tells them "Don't be ridicoolos, he saying to go go GO!" and they all start in. Lesbiana Dee immediately gushes about how awesome it is to be cutting hair on the beach... yeah, not so awesome for whoever winds up having a picnic in the middle of greasy hair leavings later on. She says she's got a "hot model" and that she's gonna give him a "rock'n'roll style, that's fo SHO!" Ugh, as if long, greasy and unwashed wasn't already rock'n'roll enough. If I were a Surfer Dude and an obvious lesbian told me that *I* was hot, I'd be thinking that I must be looking kinda femmy... ..."So, like, who's this 'Uma' person you say I look like?"... Lesbiana Dee continues to show that she's definitely qualified to bitch at Charlie about not having any "class" as she tells us her strategy this week going into this challenge is to "kick some muthafuckin' ass!" Yup, she's the Class Master In The Glass House and chucking rocks everywhere, that's fo SHO! And speaking of Bitchy Charlie, he says he's going to make his Surfer Dude look like James Dean... locked in a sweaty grapple with Sal Mineo. Okay, maybe that's Charlie's inner dialogue. Elsewhere in the Beach Salon, Dallas Daniel is telling his Surfer Dude in a somewhat querulous and unsteady voice that he's going to cut his hair short so he can slick it back and have that "Brad Pitt / Leo DiCaprio" look. Brad I can see, but... do people really want to look like Leonardo DiCaprio anymore? Ã'ber-Gay Paulo is confiding to his Surfer Dude that he hopes everyone else fucks up. I just noticed that his client is actually pretty damned beefy and sexy... Ummmmm, be right back, I need a few minutes... ...hel-looooo big daddy... mmm!... Okay, I'm back. And no, I wasn't doing anything gross, I just needed to pee. No, really. Stop looking at me like that. Let's move on.... Except... my GOD, is he rubbing his own nipple now???... ...Best. Challenge. Evah! WOOF!... Ã'ber-Gay Paulo is saying that without being able to wash their hair that it was interesting to work with "sea-salt texture hair"... and then he says "Ugh... it was dirrty!" (gay eye-roll) Oh Paulo, I just love you, honey... Meanwhile Dallas Daniel is back to calling Underdog Nicole "green" again. How about get a new adjective, Daniel? Nicole says in interview that she overheard the Southern Belles (Daniel & Glenn) talking shit about her and saying they'd like for her to go home because she's new to the industry, and Nicole ain't takin' that shit as she snaps "They want me to go home because I'm new, that I don't deserve to be here... this is a competition, fight for yourself and leave me the fuck alone!" *snap* *snap* *snap* You tell 'em, girl! I'm getting more and more scared of Nicole every day... remember... We haven't yet checked in with Exotic SuperBitch Nekisa yet... according to Oscar Balki, they have "fiftee miness leff" (15, not 50) and she's already finished her cut, much to her Surfer Dude's amazement. She asks him, "You don't like a quickie?" and he comes back with "I don't like a quickie if only you get what you want..." With any other woman I'd say that was a backwards and chauvinistic comment, but Nekisa just giggles girlishly and calls him a "dirty boy" while Lesbiana Dee probably glares at the Surfer Dude in Nekisa's chair with growing resentment. Hey, Uma Surfer has a twin sister on the beach, and he's Female Glenn's client! I don't know how that's gonna work out as it seems Female Glenn is attempting to give her Unwashed Twin a rather feminine cut (and eyebrow-scaping, which is always a masculine thang, right?) I smell trouble (and body-odor) in the wind... And hey, Exotic Nekisa's dirty boy is "messing up" her awesome styling, and it's pissing her off! No more girlish giggles from her, and with Nekisa's stellar track record, I think in this case "messing up" probably equals "desperately trying to fix a giant hair-don't". Silly Nekisa, you're not going to get a super-sleek-n-sculpted look out of dirt-and-sand-encrusted-hair, dumbass! Spreading the backbiting, Ã'ber-Gay Paulo says Emo Gail gave her client the dreaded "m-word"... mullet. And not just any mullet, but "a frickin' mullet comb-over!!" Bitchy Charlie chimes in that if people think Underdog Nicole is green, then Gail is neon green... ...it's not easy being Gail... And now we come to the hair show... Beach Edition! We start with Female Glenn's client, Uma Surfer #2... Glenn says that her client is actually in an "altairnatiyuv rock bayand"... yup, and now he can join the Pussycat Dolls. Oscar Balki says he's "angelic" and a really young kid, so he needs something edgier (and now they're subtitling Oscar, I guess I wasn't the only one giving a WTF?-face to the TV whenever he opened his mushmouth). I wouldn't say "angelic" Uma #2 needs something edgier as much as he needs to just wake up a little... Next up is Emo Gail's Mullet Comb-over Victim... Gail says something about having done a "vortex" cut. I dunno what that is, but it actually looks to me like she shoved this guy forward from 1992 to at least 1998. Oscar Balki says he thinks the execution was all right, but then he says "I thingit luks to me lyguh you tryun toomotch to cowver de ballness..." (which earns Oscar a dirty look from Ã'ber-Gay Paulo's hunky client, I don't know why, perhaps he's having some thinning issues himself.) Now is Paulo and his Big Sexy Daddy client. Rowrrr! (making cougar-claw motions with my hand)... ...and that's the second unruly and uneven soul patch in a row! I kinda like what Paulo did (or maybe I'm just jealous that Paulo got to be next to him while shirtless) but Oscar Balki is not crazy about it, he thinks it looks too much like what the guy already had. Shoulda cleaned up the soul-patch, Paulo... woulda made all the difference in the world. Plus maybe you coulda "accidentally" kissed him. drool... Which brings us to Exotic SuperBitch Nekisa and her Dirty Boy Willy... Nekisa says Willy is actually more high-maintenance than her, which makes Dee smile creepily. Oscar Balki says it looks like she cut the back but left the front alone. This happens a lot with Nekisa's cuts, these judges keep telling her what she didn't do, and she keeps insisting that she did. It's annoying. Just like Nekisa. Bring back Drag Queen Meredith! Well, here's our Bitchy Charlie's Surfer Dude James Dean... Too bad his client looks more like Jimmy Dean... ...The Sausage King... Oscar Balki says, "I thing yu wennaleedlebeet moor too consairvateev loog for heem, tomee reminza me too motch of a woll stree gai?" Huh? OH, a "Wall Street Guy"! Ouch, Charlie, haven't you found your balls since last week? Jeez, step it up, Queenella! Speaking of giant balls, Lesbiana Dee presents her Uma Surfer #1... Dee says her guy is also in a rock band and that she gave him a modern-day shag, and keeps insisting that he looks sexy and masculine. I'm sorry, but other than being parted on the opposite side, I really don't see much difference between Uma #1 and Uma #2... Oscar Balki thinks Dee's Uma looks edgier... this is making Female Glenn's Uma #2 look decidedly sad, and my guess is that this kind of critique is bringing up some deep-seeded family issues between them... ..."Mom always did like you best!" *snif*... Now that Oscar has managed to drive a wedge between the Magical Uma Twins, he moves on to Underdog Nicole and her fugly Surfer Dude... Seriously, this looks like a mug shot, and I am personally grateful that Nicole cut his hair away from his face so I can get a better look at it next time I'm waiting in line at the post office and browsing the Most Wanted posters for possible dates. Oscar Balki likes it, and glurts out "I lyguh the fag thadyu kip da aygeeur look, I lyguh the fag thadhee steel hasdah Sarfur feeleeng, yu AIMfazize a leedlebeet moor tha lide collar in frond... wee call zees a 'bitch boy'!" Mr. Surfer Criminal looks ready to nut-punch Oscar Balki until he realizes what he really said. International incident averted! Last up for judging is Dallas Daniel's Opie-Dude... Daniel says "The farst thaying ah fayownd owt about mah client is thayat not ownlee is he a surfer, but he's an ayckturr!" That's great, and with this new style I'm sure he'll be able to get any part he wants on PAX network... or maybe TBN, cuz those ears might be too edgy for PAX. Ugh, Daniel, you fucked it this time around... Well it turns out that Underdog Nicole must be making sacrifices to the correct gods and goddesses, because Dallas Daniel and Female Glenn (a.k.a. The "Hate Green Nicole" Club) are in the bottom two! Oooh, it's a smackdown for the Southern Belles, and Female Glenn goes from the tippity-top to the boogery-bottom! Oscar Balki complains that while her cut was technically executed well, Uma #2 looked too feminine... Glenn says that this was "kinda funny t'may considerin' he hayad fowur-inch ah-brayows and a beyeard... so, none of mah gurlfrayinds look lahk thayat!" Oh Glenn, you're precious, bless your heart, but you're also makin' exKYEWses... Uma Thurman has a beard anyhow, she just shaves a lot. Now on to the top two are Underdog Nicole and Lesbiana Dee! Dee holds her hand out to Nicole, who gives her a half-hearted five that says "Yeah, I know you still hate me... and if Nekisa goes, don't bother coming by MY room!" Oscar Balki says that Nicole's guy "lookza reel Sarfur now... he lookza hard core dooduh!" OMG, I just peed a little hearing that... it should be a new ringtone... anyhow, all this love for Nicole is because she is the winner today (and not Dee?... awww, waow-waow-waow-waaaaow). Nicole screams and does the happy dance and then runs out and does a cartwheel in the sand!... ...Poor Dee... you can read the menu, but you can't order anything... That's not nice to tease Lesbiana Dee like that, Nicole! Don't you know the first rule of gaydom is "Don't Fuck With The Lesbians!"? (you know, unless you can do so from the relative anonymity of bloggerdom... plus I carry Mace in my purse... and the second rule is "Don't Fuck With The Chunky Gay Guy Who Deals With Lots Of Drag Queens"... we're almost as tough.) You betta lock your door tonight, girl! Of course, Nicole will have a "big advantage" in the next day's Elimination Challenge, and with that, they are dismissed from the bitch... I mean beach... There must not have been any good House Drama, because we're right back at the indoor Nexxus Shear Genius Salon and there's our good buddy (and, by comparison with Oscar Balki, English Expert) Rene Fris! "Hi-hi!" he says, "For todayss challenche you will dessign beaudiful new looks for cliendz thad wreally need yoah hailp... you wail cud an'collar hairstyul thad fids her fayzz, suitza lifestyul and lift they spiridz!" And here's where the episode takes a turn into maudlin weepy territory as they bring out this week's crop of Ladies Who Need Help... ...and they look pretty normal, don't they? Well, when Rene has them lined up and says "Led's doo id!" and suddenly they transform themselves... ...into eight women with no hair at all. Awww, dammit Shear Genius!!! You're killing me, here... I mean, how could I make a Persis Khambatta joke out of that? I can't! Besides, if you remember Persis Khambatta, she was a stunning woman even without any hair... Now, these ladies are dealing with a medical condition known as alopecia, but the show fails to make any differentiation in the numerous types of alopecia (which simply is a clinical term for general hair loss). Since they do mention an auto-immune disorder, these women probably have alopecia totalis, which is total scalp loss, but retaining eyebrows. I have to say I admire them for being courageous enough to go on national TV and take off their wigs like that, so they all get an Automatic Snark Pass from me for this Elimination Challenge (called, of course, "Wigging Out") and for the remainder of this episode. Rene turns back to the stylestants and informs Underdog Nicole that as the winner of the Short Cut Challenge she gets first pick of clients, and also gets to choose the order everyone else will go in to choose their clients. She goes right for a tall woman in the back row. Eagle-eyed Rene spots moisture in the ranks of the stylestants and asks tenderly "Paolow, why arr you cwying?" and Paulo seems geniunely touched and says "It's an emotional thing... it's a really powerful gift... these women are brave, they're strong, they're courageous... it's pretty fucking amazing!" Awww, Paulo may be a spiky boob sometimes, but he really does have a heart of gold. Now I'm gonna cry. Even sweeter, Underdog Nicole gives Paulo next choice of clients... God, I hope he was geniune in what he said and that it wasn't just some acting ploy to get better placement for this Challenge, cuz that would definitely be a shit sandwich with a side of diarrhea... Nicole says she threw him a bone because in a lot of other challenges he's wound up with the last pick an awful lot of the time, which is true. Awww, Nicole is being so sweet! I gotta go get a new box of Kleenex... it's been so long since my tear ducts were used that the box I had here was nothing but dust... be right back... Next comes Exotic Nekisa, then Bitchy Charlie, Emo Gail, Dallas Daniel, Lesbiana Dee... and last up is Female Glenn. Nicole adds a dash of bitter to her sweetness when she says "I really don't have any intention of helping Glenn, because I know Glenn has really doubted my experience..." Jeez, girl, we're having a big ol' cry-fest here, didja hafta edge back over into bitchy just now? The wigs they will be styling on are from the HairUWear Collection. Oh God, if these are real human-hair wigs (and I'm sure they are) then they just better not fuck them up, because that shit is exPENSIVE! Trust me, even good-quality synthetic wigs can cost a fortune, but human hair is off the charts... Ã'ber-Gay Paulo's girl wants to have something fun to go out in, so he chooses a longer red-haired wig to work on. On the other end of the spectrum, Underdog Nicole's client actually doesn't even wear wigs, and she kinds likes Nicole's short and kicky hairstyle, so she wants to go for something like that. This is dangerous territory, because if you cut a wig too short, the netting will show... Nicole's gonna have to be carefullllll. Emo Gail's client is concerned about whether or not length is age-appropriate for her, and Gail isn't giving me much confidence when she says that she's only cut a couple of wigs for Halloween costumes before. Ugh, girl, those $4 things from the Spirit Superstore ain't nothing like the gorgeous ones you're getting to work with today. Unsurprisingly, Dallas Daniel actually has had some experience with wigs, and he smartly realizes that he needs to give it some motion or it will look too stiff and, well... wig-like. Exotic Nekisa is already running into trouble as her client is somewhat frightened of the bright and brash red color of the wig they've chosen... turning to Rene for help, he reminds her that they can go ahead and color the wig, too... I'm sure this woman is feeling that much less secure about how she's going to look being forced to have Nekisa who is so thin and pretty and has gorgeous tresses working on her. Nekisa, honey, you better not make this woman look anything less than stunning or the karma wheel is gonna give you alopecia... it doesn't look good because Rene is noticing that it appears Nekisa has once again botched the color job for her client. Ugh, that is just un-fucking-fair. Female Glenn seems to be having a rough time making her client happy, either... of course Exotic Nekisa is the one who notices this, instead of, you know, paying attention to her own work... Rene is concerned that Glenn has badly framed her client's face, and the wig line is dead-obvious. Emo Gail is having the same problem with hers, she can't seem to get the hair to pull back from the face. There are tricks for doing this, all the drag queen friends I have know that you have to make adjustments to the first couple of rows of hair so it stays out of your face, but it seems none of the stylestants have any drag queen friends... I bet Chris March and Christian Siriano from Project Runway could have done this challenge better! Nicole's client starts to cry because she's not worn hair in so long, and now Nicole is crying, too, because she thinks her cut looks like crap. God, are they all gonna just bone it here? Nicole's client is so sweet, she's crying because she knows it's not going well and... well, just look at this... God, these bitchy backstabbing people don't deserve clients like these, and I don't even deserve to write about them. I think we're watching Nicole having an epiphany of sorts, because she tells her client she doesn't even care any more about the challenge, she just wants to make her client look good, and actually says "there's more important things than the Challenge..." Now she's bawling so much that Rene steps in and gives her some sweet Cheese Danish Lovin' and tells her to put some product in the wig to make it spikier, and it may help the cut. And with that, time is up, and we're off to the Hair Show / Therapy Session. Excuse me while I get a shot of Therapy from my Jose Cuervo bottle, cuz this episode is wearing me out... We return to the big scissors room, and accompanying Jaclyn we find Kim Vo, Kelly Atterton and Oscar Balki perched on their uncomfortably anal-retentive little stools, looking pinched and bitchy and really judgmental. It's nice to know some things never change. And here we go... Dallas Daniel is first up... Daniel seems pleased with how he did and believes it looks like natural hair. I don't want to disagree, but I think it looks like a wig cut in the 70's style of Toni Tennille. However, the longer hair does seem to soften his client a little. Next is Female Glenn... Glenn's cut also seems to suffer from wig-itis, but I think the highlights are an improvement over her client's previous wig, I just wish it wasn't so round... Moving right along to Bitchy Charlie... *sigh* Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, you just gave your client the exact same style she came in with (only longer!) and she now looks way older than 19. Ugh, you're supposed to be better than this, Chuck! Snap out of it! And here is Emo Gail's client... ...and while her new look is definitely more contemporary than the Dorothy Hamill wig she had before (the color matches her eyebrows better, I think) she wasn't quite able to get rid of that tell-tale inverted V in the hairline that shouts "WIG"... but you can tell she likes the new color a lot better, so all is not lost. Which takes us to Exotic Nekisa's client... I'm not sure how to feel about the change here... it seems really heavy around the top and doesn't look like it moves well, plus the color seems a little too brash for her... we'll have to see what the judges say. Now we can see how Ã'ber-Gay Paulo's client turned out... Wow, what a change! That is definitely hair for going out on the town (and for doing *ahem* other things)! The hairline looks a little bit low, but since her previous wig was a hand-me-down that didn't fit her at all, the transformation is pretty stunning... Sometimes it helps to have a not-so-good "before" shot... I think Paulo might have finally hit a home run! And here is Underdog Nicole's super-sweet client Leilani... Now this is a case where the change, while drastic, I thought was actually pretty cute... she kinda reminds me of Ellen Barkin in that gender-swapping movie "Switch" (back before she got so much plastic surgery that she looks like a store-mannequin now... she could have changed her name to Kim Vo for all we know) and I think the spiky, spunky look is actually working with her facial features... this is a Scandahoovian Ice Princess that Dallas Daniel wishes he had created! Last up is Lesbiana Dee's ladybird... She looks okay, but the style seems just a little bit helmet-y, and I'm not convinced her "before" wasn't just as good, if not better. The color seems a tad jarring, too. Well, it's time to find out who's in the Mediocre Middlers Club... and it's the Southern Belles (Dallas Daniel and Female Glenn) plus Lesbiana Dee. Get thee gone to the break room and wash out your lunch dishes! That sushi smell is making me sick, Dee! Now for the fine-line of critiquing from the judges standpoint. Let's see how well they do (I know it was harder than hell for me).... Nekisa's client gets a close look from Kim Vo who says when he looks at her client, he wants to "dance like the 80's" (and he totally busts out with the White Girl Dance... OMG, like, what a total spazmoid, I'm so shure, like, rilly... I may have given the clients a Snark Pass, but it's still open season on these silly judges, and damn if it doesn't feel gooood!) Kim says the look is "too retro" for him, which is pretty fucking hypocritical when it looks like he's wearing a "Members Only" jacket. Kelly Atterton jumps in with saying we don't see enough of the client's face, and Nekisa immediately starts in on her typical defensive tack of blaming the client/the wig/the coloring mix/the shears/the astrological configurations and/or the Chinese Government... but now she's sorta crying, too! However, it feels suspiciously calculated and ungenuine to me and I don't trust that it isn't a ploy for sympathy at the expense of her client. Sorry, but I wouldn't put shit like that past her. It seems like the judges barely acknowledge her outburst before moving on to Ã'ber-Gay Paulo... Jaclyn immediately says it reminds her of Farrah Fawcett! Awww, Paulo is on cloud nine to have his work compared to the Fawcetted One! Oscar Balki mumbles something I can't understand and they move on to Bitchy Charlie. Kelly right away nails Charlie for the one-sided heaviness of the wig, and Oscar Balki completely nukes him when he says... ...It's never fun to get ass-raped by ScoopyNose McMushmouth... Jaclyn moves it right along to Emo Gail, whose client looks more and more like she'd like to tear that wig off and just beat the shit out of Gail with it. Kelly says Gail's lack of confidence is showing, and Oscar Balki says the wig makes her client look older. Ouch! No woman likes to hear that... except for maybe 16-year-old slutty girls who are trying to lie their way into nightclubs so they can booty-pop and play jail-bait... Last up is Underdog Nicole and her girl Leilani. Nicole starts to cry as she begins to tell the tale of how she arrived at her client's cut, and this starts Paulo off, which starts me off again... Kim Vo goes in for a closer look and asks if blondes have more fun, and the client says "I know Leilani's gonna have more fun!" Go on, girl! After deliberating, the top two are called out, and it's Ã'ber-Gay Paulo and Underdog Nicole... and the winner is Paulo! Yay for Paulo crawling out of the bottom-dwellers! He is understandably ecstatic (when Jaclyn asks him how it feels to finally win he makes this really weird air-humping gesture that I didn't quite get)... and his enthusiasm is dampened a bit when he finds out that there is no more immunity for winning challenges. Bitchy Charlie actually commisserates on this, the fact that Paulo always gets the short end of the dick... I mean the stick. And now for the bottom three... Emo Gail (no surprise), Exotic Nekisa (definitely no surprise) and Bitchy Charlie (unfortunately no surprise, either, but then again, these are the only people left who weren't either Top or Middlin's). Lesbiana Dee has put on her gangsta face and is glaring at Jaclyn... ..."Ima cutchu if my girl gets bounced!"... Never fear, Dee, you're free to drool over Nekisa's giant tits some more. Nekisa is crying in her interview saying that she needs to step up her game. Yeah, about 8 challenges ago, you putz. Which leaves us with Bitchy Charlie, who gets nailed for playing it safe again and Emo Gail gets hit for having styled the wig so it still looked like a wig.... and it's time to say goodbye to Emo Gail! She immediately starts crying, which of course sets Paulo off, which sets off Glenn, and Dee, and Nicole, and even Jaclyn can't keep from tearing up... ...and GOD, this shit is just totally reminding me that I have a heart, and as much as I wish like Cher that it was made of stone, it's not... I might have to write a few poems to my cats now and draw some sad clowns... or have another shot of Cuervo. I think I'll stick with the akamahol. Gail is crying even in her exit interview as she says she's happy she made it this far (as she sobs some more) and that she's filled with "such joy" (as she weeps harder) and then the light goes out on her station... God, next week better be back to drama 'n' shit, I can't take these warm fuzzy weepy episodes... It looks like we're gonna get our wish as it's the "Charlie's Angels Challenge"! Kate Jackson is gonna guest judge and Exotic SuperBitch Nekisa goes off on a drunken Charlie (who appears entirely unruffled by her outbursts... I can't wait!). What did you think of this episode? Isn't it awful to not be able to make fun of the clients? Why can't they get a guest judge who speaks English with any fluency? Do you hope that Nekisa is out next week (like I do)? On a final note, the Entertainer Of The Year Pageant in Louisville, Kentucky was quite an interesting time. Unfortunately, my friend (who goes by the stage name Devina) did not win, nor did we make the Top Ten (the winner was a tall queen from Ohio named Nina West, and congrats to her, because she was amazing). It was a lot of fun, and we worked hard, but it just didn't quite make the cut... However, in case you're curious, this is what our group looks like... ...Devina & The Fly Boyz after we performed "Feedback" by Janet Jackson... If you haven't already guessed, I'm the chubby white boy, a.k.a. Fattest Sweaty Backup Dancer Ever... but here's a little something so you can see what our Talent Number looked like (it was partially choreographed by yours truly)... ...I move pretty well for being so massive (and I can run like hell, Dee, so if you come after me, you gotta catch me first!) Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks to all the gasmii for their well-wishes and for your patience in allowing me some extra time on my recap to try and help my friend achieve his dream... we may not have won, but we learned a lot and we had a great time... and I think that's the same thing Emo Gail learned on tonight's episode, too, and that's what's really important, right? love, J-Mo :)