Heroes: I Can Has Death?

Yatta! I did it! I finally found a job that absolutely fits me and is willing and able to pay me more than packing peanuts and boxes of Mike&Ike. Oh wait, the economy is going to render the future job null and void (I was silly enough to choose "journalist/writer" as my career), and now I have to go back in time to warn Alan Greenspan about the collapse of western civilization. I can has death by black hole, plz?


You are worth nothing! Bwahahahahah!

Previously on Heroes, Nathan thinks he's in charge. Just like Charles. He also plays with himself. Chess, that is. Claire's told she's special, but Sylar leaves out the "ed" part of the description. The future changes, because the robots now rule the world.

Sylar cleans up nicely, joins The Company, gets a new mommy, and kills Jesse after Peter's popped out of him. Tracy freaks out, kills a reporter, and then finds and visits the doctor who created her, thanks to Micah's skills. Present and Future Peter frolic off into the sunset together, hand-in-hand. Mohinder sees boobs (at least side boobs) for the first time in three seasons, and becomes Spiderman. Sort of.

"All your Base are Belong to Death," the original title of Chapter 4, has been revised to "I Am Become Death." This sounds exactly like my father trying to master Engrish slang, with his trademark "You are the suck, you sucking." He would purse his lips while reminding us that 58,000+ Vietnam vets died so we could be born in America. I was six.

Mohinder, dressed like Uncle Jesse in a wifebeater, has funky scabs on his back. I had no idea you could get shingles there. One of my best friends had shingles in high school. She happened to get mono at the same time, so she was like a zombie with skin pieces falling off. Needless to say, I didn't hang out with her as much. Mohinder realizes his Nobel Peace Prize dreams are dead, and he records his emo confessions for posterity. For someone on the forefront of genetic modification, he's really behind on blogging. I would've pegged him as a Wordpress kind of guy, or maybe Tumblr. I guess Mohinder just really, really, really loves the sound of his own voice.


I am a Superwoman,
Even when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes I'm a Superwoman.

Something wicked this way comes. For everything else, there's Preparation H. A domestic dispute unfolds in Apartment 4, and Mohinder knocks to see if everything's all right. The door swings open. Inside, a visibly shaken blonde woman is crying while a meathead former football player type tells Mohinder to mind his own business. Is the guy abusing his wife? Did she just uncover some infidelities? Are they LARPers?

No need to answer, because testosterone-fueled Mohinder bashes the guy's head into the wall, as the weeping woman protests. There's no explanation or context, except to show that Mohinder's less of a pussy than he used to be. Roid rage makes everything more manly.

New Orleans

Tracy's sitting down with Dr. Zimmerman, who clearly cloned himself from Orville Redenbacher's seed. We cut to some family photos. First, DJ Tanner's on the left, and then it's Orville, Ali Larter (presumably not Tracy/Niki), some weiner dog, a poor man's Michelle Williams, post-Dawson's Creek) and The German. Who's now dead. Everyone has powers!

Orvil informs Tracy, Niki, and Baba Wawa (Barbara). Test subjects, when their birth parents died and they separated the girls. Niki wants answers and wants to know what he did to her. He explains that he manipulated DNA to create a formula that would make her incredible. Speed, strength, sandwich-making skills and boobs that will never sag. Ali Larter, in her best attempt to look shocked, asks, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Well, Tracy, saggy boobs are friends to no man.


I'm sorry, but we had to refuse to let any of you take an acting class.

He admits they had no right, selfish and arrogant and human. The old man is worried he's said too much already. She asks for a name. I really hope she doesn't freeze him. There was a company, he starts to stammer. Tracy is convinced he's lying, and starts demanding that he take away her abilities, Maya-style. Orville insists it's part of her now. She panics and grabs his arm, temporarily freezing him for a bit. Fortunately, she has a little more control over it and doesn't cold fusion him into smithereens.

Universal Studios Desert backlot

Urban Outfitters Shaman's ode to Banksy is displayed through all the rock graffiti. It looks exactly like what my younger brother spray-painted and stenciled during his angsty puberty years, only he spray-painted the back wall of Food 4 Less behind our house. Parkman pleads to the Shaman to help him change the future. Well, the only way to do that is to eat some drug porridge, listen to some Enya and trip balls.

Parkman slumps over in a drug-induced haze (I would too if I had to listen to Enya on crappy headphones), his eyes glaze over white, like Isaac's, and he sees buildings of NYC.

Four Years in the Future, New York City

Future Peter has dragged Present Peter to a Future vaguely reminiscent of The Fifth Element, minus the awesome Chinese takeout boat that can fly up directly to your pod.

People in the future can fly, just like Nathan. How is this possible? The injection of a serum that gives people abilities, and it's available to anyone (who can afford it). However, Future Peter cautions that these people will destroy the world. Guess what? The world will be destroyed starting with New York. Again. For the third or so time. Surprise. Humans are weak, and also redundant.

Future Peter chastises Present Peter for being naïve, because abilities are now the new source of power. Aw, just when I invested in hookers and blow, the economy goes to hell! A group of people think that Future Peter is a villain, but Future Peter insists that he's not, because Nathan didn't die. He tells Present Peter that someone in the present is putting a formula together, and whines that he stepped on too many butterflies.


I would never ask for this power. People would always be asking me to change light bulbs and shit.

Future Peter also tries to warn his past self that Claire/Suresh/etc aren't who he thinks they are. Ah, yes, seed of doubt him. He warns him not to make all of these mistakes. He tells Present Peter that he needs to find Sylar, because Sylar possesses the needed abilities to fix all of these. Also, because some of these heroes were born with abilities and others were given them, they've taken sides like a tug-of-war competition.

BANG BANG! Future Peter gets shot in the chest by Future brunette Claire (but really, it doesn't matter right? Because Present Peter's still alive?) and appears to actually be dead/semi-dead. Hrm. Way to knock off one of the most powerful characters on the show. Guess what? It was all made possible by the Haitian. Claire's accompanied by Knox and Daphne.

If I were Future Peter, I would've been smart enough to learn The Haitain's abilities so that I could disrupt the Haitain's power-blocking powers and not be vulnerable in his presence. That would've one of the first things I learned to acquire as Peter with Powers. Seriously, amirite? Also, I would've used Mederma on that ugly scar or at least Neosporin to lessen its appearance.

Present Peter makes like a tree and gets the fuck out. If this were Time Cop or Harry Potter, this would all be impossible.


Is 9 to 5 still playing?

Four years in the future, Daphne has discovered conditioner and anti-frizz hair drops. It's a Christmas miracle! She applauds Claire for killing Peter, and Knox says this is bad because Present Peter got away. Looks like they need Molly, who's gotta be in middle school by now. The three bicker a bit about how it's not that simple to ask Molly for help, and then Future Claire reminds them that Peter won't stop, until they kill him.

Present Day, The Company, Level 2 Prison Cell

Hey Hiro, maybe you should try using your powers, because I don't think the Haitian's around. I guess those cells are power-proof, but no one's ever explained how it works to me. Lame. Hiro paces around until the answer comes to him. The vent! How obvious! "It's too high," he whines to Ando. Ando's giving his BFF the silent treatment because Hiro always fumbles, whether it's with formulas or bra straps.

Anyway, they have a lover's quarrel that I won't rehash. Wah wah wah, I follow you all around the world and go gay for you, but we're apparently not full partners. Wah wah wah betrayal and future murders. Call someone who cares, kids. Or Loveline. Dr. Drew usually has good insights.


Because you left the cap off the toothpaste again and I'm OVER IT!

Present Day, New York City

Some random intern/assistant tells Nathan to pick a desk. Does it matter all that much? Linderman gives a suggestion, and Nathan refuses it, going with Kennedy's desk. If picking out potentially haunted office furniture that belongs to dead guys is the hardest thing about being Senator, sign me up! Oh, never mind, this is part of "God's work." I want nothing to do with that work; it sounds like a lot of TPS reports.

Linderman feels insulted by Nathan shunning him, and whines that his feelings are hurt. Nathan is convinced it's leftover brain damage talking, so we're left to guess whether Linderman's a figment of Nathan's imagination or ghosting so he's only seen by Nathan. I don't know, Linderman's ability to heal ailing or dead things like paraplegics or dying houseplants suggests he was able to heal himself a bit.

Things get all Christian Broadcasting Network real fast, with Linderman taking on the role of Pat Robertson. Next he'll be asking for money to spread the word of Jesus and to build more advanced shields for their galactic cruiser. Oh, and a negative ionic tractor disrupter. For the angels, of course. Linderman reminds Nathan that Nathan used to agree that people had to die to be saved. And now he's on his way. First a senator, next stop...President. Oh shit. I think Linderman's implying that Barack is not gonna make it. Of course he'd vote for McCain.


Oh shit. I hope Nathan wins.

Time for some philosophy, 'cause the greater the fall, the grander the ascension. Now that's depressing unless you've got a stairway to heaven in your pocket or salvation in a jar.

Present day, Mohinder's place

Maya putters around the place a la J.Lo in Maid in Manhattan, tsking over the milk going bad and Mohinder's refusal to go outside or eat. She tries to get all frisky while acting the part of a maid on a telenovela, but I'm more worried she's going to discover his unfortunate back rash. Mohinder's also sensitive to light now, which makes me think he's either turning vampire on us or a snake/lizard/gecko. Maya's oblivious, because she's busy channeling her inner Jenny from the block.

Anywho, Mohinder's roid rage rears its head again, and he yells at her when she asks him to fix her again. He softens a bit and apologizes, promising to have the answers for her. Oh hayyyll no, Maya's eyes say, and she flees Mohinder's lab.

Mohinder talks into his digital recorder for the umpteenth time. Honest to blog, shut up.


I don't think you're ready for this jelly,
I don't think you're ready for this jelly,
I don't think you're ready for this,
Cause my body's too bootylicious for ya babe.

Four years later, Mohinder's place

The lab is covered in dust, cobwebs and years of bellybutton lint. It's surprisingly not as decrepit as I'd imagine to be. The future Isaac paintings are scattered around, and Present Peter enters the place with some trepidation. You hear a rattling sound, which is presumably the fully-morphed Mohinder, and lots of scurrying. Slithering! Mohinder finally appears, eyes hidden, clad in a hoodie and dark clothing. None of his features are visible, and it's eerie. Rattle, rattle. Present Peter asks Snakey Suresh about Sylar, because he believes Sylar can help him. Mohinder says some more cryptic things about not repeating mistakes, as if all the future heroes/villains are reading the same script (just like telemarketers!). Mohinder bemoans his desire for abilities and his selfishness, which was his downfall. Also, he made the formula wrong. Cue Nelson Muntz pointing and screeching, "HA! HA!"

Present Peter asks where Sylar is, and Mohinder, ever the idiot, tells him that Sylar's ability is dangerous but gives up the location anyway. Costa Verde, California. Bingo. "Don't go!" yells Mohinder. Anyone else feel like all of the heroes got lobotomies this season?

Four Years in the Future, Costa Verde, California

Present Peter teleports to Costa Verde, and he doesn't even have to travel through time since he's already in the bleak future. He's armed with fireballs in his hands (are they Flint's? Or Meredith's), and warily steps through the Bennet house.

A young boy runs up to him, excitedly yelping, "Hi Uncle Peter, Dad's making waffles!"
Now, for the ultimate WTF moment. Sylar's...a father. Dressed like a J. Crew catalogue model. With an apron emblazoned with the phrase "Hail to the Chef." And he's happily making waffles in the Bennet kitchen. It's as unexpected as Mister Rogers blasting gangsta rap with a grille in his mouth. Fortunately, Mister Muggles is still alive.


All is well with the world.

I hear whistles. Is this an illusion cast by Sylar, who might've managed to get Parkman's dad's powers? Sylar insists that Peter call him Gabriel, and introduces the toddler, whose name is Noah. Wait. Back up. This all suggests that Bennet is dead, and that Sylar named his son in honor of his partner. The future really IS bizarre.

It's gradually dawning on Peter that he's related to Sylar. I don't think white people are quite as casual about bestowing titles like "Auntie" and "Uncle" on unrelated family friends. I can't vouch for other Asian families, but my siblings and I were told to call everyone Auntie/Uncle or a variation of Grandma/Grandpa depending on their age. So when we had to make family trees in second grade, I drew like 20 pairs of grandparents.
My teacher, Miss Stelle, was not pleased.

Sylar sees a fresh-faced Peter sans scar, and immediately realizes this Peter's not from around here. They go into Bennet's former study, which has been transformed into a kid's playroom. Does Ikea still exist in the Future?


Apparently. I like to imagine Sylar trying to put all this crap together.

Sylar explains to Peter that he goes by the name Gabriel now. Wait. So you're saying is that 1. You're brothers, and 2. Together, you make PETER GABRIEL?!!!

Priceless. This is all an homage to Genesis the band and the chapter in the Bible. Someone on the writing staff must love the song "In Your Eyes" as much as I do, if only because of Say Anything.

Sylar (yup, still gonna call him that) explains he's reformed, and that he's not actually the boogeyman anymore. Yes, they're brothers, and he's sorry Present Peter came so far but he can't give him what he wants (Sylar's ability). The ability is accompanied by an insatiable hunger that turned Sylar into a monster and a killer, and that every day is like being a chainsmoker without Nicorette or the patch. Sylar's almost angelic as he explains that everything he does, he does for little Noah, and that he would never willingly condemn anyone to hell. His change of heart in the future really makes for a more complex and realistic character. Okay, as realistic as someone who can pry off your skull with his index finger and then molest your brain can be.

Present Peter is still infuriatingly persistent, believing if he can understand the one variable, he can save the world. Sylar finishes the sentence for Peter, and Peter somehow manages to get Sylar to agree to paint the future. Noah's waffles are getting cold, people! Get your priorities straight. Who's the mom? Please don't tell me that Mama P got involved with this one.

Four Years in the Future, Parkman and Daphne

It's now obvious that Daphne's the one that Parkman was carrying in the desert paintings of the future. They've got a baby together, which is great considering Parkman's last marriage. Daphne, sleek hair and all, informs Parkman that they nabbed Future Peter. Also, Molly's living with them, since the whole My Two Dads situation was such a smashing success.


I went on a spirit quest and realized I want a Samsung Instinct. Yay spirit!

Parkman frets that Daphne's endangering their family with her quest, explaining that he values security now. It's touching to see Parkman care about someone again, but really - we all know how this ends. He tells Daphne to slow down, which is a futile request. Parkman pleads for her to stop this chasing, but she insists on asking Molly for Present Peter's location. As if getting used to a training bra wasn't hard enough (I so wanted one when I was in fifth grade, but didn't need one till college). Honestly, Daphne, you've got a lot of nerve. Yada yada yada, Peter's in Costa Verde. Showtime.

Elsewhere, Knox can smell Claire's fear. "Dude, I just killed my uncle and I have to do it again. Give me a second to be a human being," snits Claire. Knox and Daphne point out that they, unlike Claire, can die. Evil Claire just reminds me of a really bad Sarah Jessica Parker for Garnier haircolor commercial. Also, every time Hayden Pannettiere opens her mouth, Baby Jesus cries. I guarantee it.

Costa Verde, California, Casa de Bennet/Gabriel

Sylar's finished painting the Earth blowing up, showing a mastery over the basic colors of tempera paint. It's really impressive. I mean, have you TRIED painting with the kiddie water-soluble stuff they give you in kindergarten? I've seen more lasting art made by friends peeing in the snow.

The Earth is split, just as in the Hipster Shaman's stencils in the desert, and the Heroes symbol cuts through like a jagged wound. Sylar hands Present Peter his watch, the one with the cracked face and the brand that gave him his name. Sylar explains that the watch was a reminder of all the damage he'd ever caused. He tells Peter to fix the watch, because he'll learn to access Sylar's ability that way. Dude, if it was THAT easy, Peter should've just gone to the Swatch store at the mall.


After this could you put together the Kmtlag? I can't seem to figure that shit out.

This episode, the special effects team blows their wad on the cogs and coils of the watch floating up and rotating. It's pretty sweet. If you understand cause and effect, you can change the future. Especially if you nab a Delorean. Present Peter masters Sylar's ability and is all, "Whoa. I know kung foo too!" about it.

Too bad Claire, Daphne, and Knox are here. Can Daphne rush other people along with her if she's touching them, Hiro-style? I'm going to assume so. Knox is holding toddler Noah hostage, and it's pretty bleak. This can't end well.

Claire bitterly comments that this was her house, and that Sylar took everything from her. Seriously, get yourself a therapist, Claire! I don't want to hear your bitching anymore. So it's the boy or Present Peter. Of course someone's going to get hurt, Sylar didn't have time to cover the entire house in bubble wrap, Homer Simpson-style.

Driving a hard bargain, Claire refuses to let Noah go until Peter lets her shoot him in the back of the head. Um. Hi. Sylar and Peter? You're two of the most powerful characters in this entire fucking show. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, just standing there like slack-jawed yokels?! The Haitian's not even here! I feel SO stabby right now.


I came here for my Light Brite. Give it up.

Sylar tells Future Claire there's no way she's going to kill him. Well, great, now do something about it. Sylar promptly knocks Claire out. He takes Knox while Peter takes on Daphne. Seriously, people, if you can't beat Daphne/Knox, you don't deserve to live. The world should get blown up, and it's all your fault. Peter and Daphne slap each other like the little girls that they are, while Claire lies immobile and completely useless on the floor.

Knox smells the fear of Sylar's son, and manages to knock out Sylar and send a kitchen table and other furniture hurtling towards Noah, who's cowering by the kitchen counter. Sigh. Couldn't Sylar multi-task and have Peter teleport the small child elsewhere? THINK, PEOPLE, THINK. That's probably asking too much of everyone. Can I have a pony?

Sylar sees a lifeless Noah and promptly goes nuclear on everyone's asses, thus fulfilling the prophecy of the future painting he made half an hour earlier. THE END. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. SHOW OVER. Nuclear Holocaust brought to you by a Palin administration. KTHXBAI.


You betcha!

Just kidding, here's Hiro and Ando being homoerotic together

The BFFs struggle over a belt, as Ando admonishes Hiro for sucking at tug of war. Geniuses, both of them, it's only Level 2 Company security, too. They lasso the vent with the belt and Ando manages to pull it open. Hooray for skills. The lovers' spat, however, isn't over. Ando's still hurt, Hiro's still hurt, it's all very lametastic so go cry me a river, Pikachu.

Hiro, who still can't do anything on his own, asks Ando for help. He promises it's the last time. At least until tomorrow. Commence stills from the porno that the BFFs made after they got tired of washing dishes at the Odessa diner.




Is it hot in here?

The two rejoice as Hiro manages to get himself into the vent. He promises to change the future. Of course, The Haitian magically appears in the room just as Hiro's legs dangle and Ando is mid-YATTA. Oh noes.

Present Day, New York
"Reporter Missing Feared Dead" shouts the headline of the newspaper. Tracy is curled up on the floor with a phone. She takes a deep breath and calls up the detective involved with the case, and starts tearing up as she explains she knows what happen. Tracy chokes up, and as her emotions ramp up, the phone slowly starts to freeze, cutting off the connection. It's fully frozen by the time she realizes that it's not AT&T's fault, and the receiver shatters after she drops it. Okay, so I prefer Tracy to Niki/Jessica. I'll admit it. I also watch My Super Sweet Sixteen when I feel bad about myself. What of it?

Meanwhile, Mohinder is freaking about his inability to remove the ability from himself or Maya, and his premajure ejaculation issues compounded with the rubber cement-like goo that's oozing from his hands now. Gross. Use Purell, dude.


Stay off Spankwire and concentrate on fixing yourself.

There's a knock at the door. It's the meathead from Apartment 4, and he's pissed Mohinder meddled in his domestic affairs. Also, he's pissed about the economy going to hell and how his Asian investments are not going to pan out. Mohinder uses his idiot serum strength and grabs the guy by the face. I assume we'll never see him again. Although I'm not sure how Mohinder's going to ingest the guy. Soylent green is people!

Senator Petrelli's office, New York

Nathan is channeling his uber-Catholic spirit, wearing a giant signet ring and reading the Bible in office. Tracy strolls in and she confesses she's here to resign. She apologizes for dragging him into this mess and explains she can't continue. Nathan tries to get her to reconsider, but she's set on departing. Now, if they were better communicators, they'd both reveal that they had powers and make out. Sadly, this is not the case so crazy ol' dead man Linderman will have to save the day. This is turning into a Lifetime-Made-For-Born-Again-Christians soap. Blerg. Pray for guidance, and a couple of money trees.

Nathan looks expectantly at Linderman after Tracy leaves, and Linderman tells him to pray. Hmmph. Tracy's in trouble, because she's perched on the edge of a bridge and poises herself to jump. Ah, yes, suicide, the most selfish of all sins in the eyes of the Catholic church.

Anyway, Tracy jumps off as I rejoice and pump my fists and then promptly put them down because Nathan saves her just like Superman does to Lois Lane. Sure, why not play "Can You Read My Mind?" right now while I gag down some Drano. They're just so goddamn schmoopy in mid-air, I can't stand it! The cheese level is at orange.

Tracy is shakily drinking some straight whiskey while Nathan tries to make small talk. About that local sports team...OH WAIT, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME YOU HAD POWERS? YOU CAN FLY? I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? Nathan affirms that yes, he can fly, even though she was just literally saved by his flying powers. Tracy offers to show him her tan line. And her powers, so she freezes his glass. What a waste of fine liquor, lady. He's impressed, and takes the opportunity to grab her hand and marvel that it's not even cold. Well, neither are her boobs, buddy.


Let's go to church, baby.

What's better than doing twins? Two out of three identical triplets. Giggity giggity. All I can think of right now is the Joey Lawrence PSA from l995 that went like this: "If she says no, and you do anyway, that's rape." The more you know!

Do you think Linderman's watching? He's gotta be a dirty ol' perv.

Four Year in the Future

On the television of the future, Nathan and Tracy are married. He's also the president. Fantastic, McCain must've swapped out Palin for Nathan. They basically rhyme, anyway. Costa Verde was wiped out when Sylar went nuclear, so that's 200,000 people gone. Also, this is a time for prayer.

Future Peter is lifeless, next to a semi-alive Present Peter. They're back in some clinical-looking room with The Haitian and Claire. She grabs a scalpel and declares she wants Peter to feel the pain of every single death that he caused. It's not convincingly evil at all, just pathetic. She slits him open and says, "That's one." Present Peter tries to persuade Future Claire that he won't be such a dipshit in the future and that the world doesn't have to end like this, and that he can save her again. Claire is immune to his charms and drags the scalpel down his chest again. Someone's been watching Saw.

Just as Claire is about to make it three, Nathan shows up in his power suit. It's pretty freaky since Present Peter is chilling next to dead Future Peter. Claire pouts like Elle as Nathan commands her to leave them. She acknowledges Nathan as her father, which makes it look like Nathan condones Claire's quest for revenge to some extent.


Calm down. You're both pretty.

Once they're alone, Nathan unties Present Peter and says that one man cannot save the world. It's true, unless you're talking about Captain Planet. That guy can do ANYTHING. Because of Costa Verde, Nathan reveals he's getting an army full of soldiers with abilities. Oh shit. Present Peter insists that people cannot be trusted, that people are greedy and power hungry, but Nathan, extremely noble-sounding, says he believes in the goodness of man. Good luck with that. Present Peter is concerned Linderman is influencing Nathan again, so Nathan offers up his mind for Peter to read. Jesus Tapdancing Christ, what's going on?

Present Peter gets a flicker of cruelty in his eyes as he tries to read Nathan's mind and then lifts up him, feet dangling and slams him against a fridge. Ah. Signs of Sylar. He flickers his finger across Nathan's brain. Looks like someone's blood sugar is low.
Present Day Peter is being pretty cruel, tries to read Nathan's mind and then lifts him up by the feet and then slams him against a fridge. Welp. That happened. The President's dead. Where's Claire? Can't she heal him? Or is that just Linderman's job?

Oh well, it's just future Nathan anyway, so it doesn't matter. If there's one thing we learned, killing the future person doesn't demolish the past/present.

Present Day, Level 5 at The Company: Club Med Suite

Present Peter manages to find Sylar in his new home. How the hell did he know where Present Day Sylar was? Did he get Molly's ability too? I'm so confused. My head hurts. I need some of that Little Caesar's Crazy Bread that Flipit loves so much. Mmm, Crazy Bread.

"Hello, brother," Sylar greets him. Annyong! If only Zachary Quinto could make himself sound like Buster from Arrested Development. That'd make it all better.

Desert of Broken Houndstooth Dreams

Parkman's shitting a brick after he figures out what happens in the future. He's literally there, in his drug-induced haze. Molly and Future Parkman are watching the death and destruction of Costa Verde on TV. Again, doesn't anyone use the Internet here? I'm still not over the fact that Maya and Alejandro didn't bother to Google Dr. Suresh before embarking on their road trip.


No, we can't watch the Simpsons, brat.

Molly moans that it's her fault, that Daphne was in Costa Verde because of her abilities. Truf. Parkman's freaking out and shoves the baby at Molly. Grow up, quick! There's a knock at the door. Daphne murmurs, "I wasn't fast enough," and slumps to the ground. You can see the burns on her back and the places where her jacket caught on fire, just like the hipster future painting. Parkman struggles to carry her.

Parkman startles awake to find himself back in the desert, arms empty. He was "dreaming," asserts the Shaman. Parkman's now convinced everything he's seen is coming true, and looks over the paintings once more. Peter looking over Nathan's lifeless body, Mohinder as a snake/American Apparel model, Claire in her stupid catsuit. Explosions in the sky! Now he's determined to find Daphne. Good luck. Also, it's CALLED GOOGLE. Or hell, even Facebook could help you, ya schmuck.

Of course, The Shaman tells Parkman to find his spirit animal. Three guesses, and the first two don't count. TURTLE. Apparently this spirit guide will attach to your subconscious to lead you to your journey. What is this mojo jojo, asks Parkman?

Jung, dummy, says the Shaman. Silly Shaman, everyone knows Jung isn't taken seriously anymore. Anywho, think about your dream, and you will find your guide. FOLLOW THE TURTLE, SAVE THE WORLD. If that fails, make turtle soup. I hear it's a delicacy.

Present Day

When you got a lot to show, and not a lotta time, it's MONTAGE! MONTAGE! The Haitian babysits Hiro and Ando while Mama P flagellates them verbally. She chastises them for going on a wild goose-chase when The Company has both parts of the formula to protect now. That Japanese guilt thing works, because all she does is tell Hiro Kaito never should've trusted him with such an important mission, and Hiro starts bowing his head in shame and apologizing profusely. My face burns in shame too, by association.

Ando knows it's a trick and is all oh hell no, you are not apologizing. However, Mama P knows exactly how to get Hiro excited (not the same way as she got his daddy riled up, though) and tells him that she knows he has the key to saving the world. It's buried very deep. Who's the hero and who's the villain? It's way to easy to trick Pikachu into thinking he's the only one who can save the world. I don't trust Mama P, but I'd love for her to sit in on salary negotiations with me. Please?


She wants a subway pass. And Twizzlers. Lots of Twizzlers!

Hiro and Ando are now gravedigging. Aren't there you know, day laborers you can hire for this sort of task? Or is The Company in the red ever since the paper industry took a hit? Hiro moans that if he knew he'd had the key, he wouldn't have buried it so deep. Yep. They're unearthing Adam. WORST. IDEA. EVER.

Oh hell, Adam is perfectly preserved. He kinda resembles one of the wax figurines from Madame Tussaud's. Can Adam put himself into deep sleep? Because his eyes are closed and he looks rather peaceful. Until his eyes snap open and he snarls, "Hiro, you sonuvabitch!" Aw, puppy love.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite mash-up videos ever. It's funny because it's true. I'm finally caught up again with this show, and it's just starting to get good! Huzzah! I love you all like a fat kid love cake.





MEDIOCRE SEX: Welcome to serial monogamy with a really, really boring person.