Lindsay Lohan: Blah Blah Blah Sam Ronson Boo Hoo Hoo'

Admit it, you were sad when Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split up. We were, but only because we knew the consequences.

And what consequences they are. Now that she's split with Sam Ronson, it means that we'll have to put up with Lindsay Lohan bleating on relentlessly about how sad she is until the end of time. That's not an exaggeration - we'll all have to listen to Lindsay Lohan's self-pity until the literal end of actual time.

Because Lindsay Lohan hasn't just split up with Sam Ronson - a woman from The Sopranos was also slightly rude to her. Sad.

Here's a friendly warning, kids - make yourselves comfortable. If you thought that the Rihanna/Chris Brown thing dragged on, or that the Phil Spector trial got a bit boring after the first three months, you're in for a nasty surprise. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up and we don't think that we're going to hear the end of it. Ever.

It's true. Remember that Lindsay Lohan is the sort of girl who, if she thought that a goat gave her a funny look at a petting zoo, would rattle off thousands of interminable blog posts detailing precisely how that goat had destroyed her hard-won self-esteem even though she's a good person deep down.

So something a little more serious - like splitting up with her long-term partner - can only result in Lindsay Lohan staggering around bellowing about how sad she is like a moose in a maze until the earth is swallowed up by the sun.

It's already started - just days after Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson ended it, Lindsay has already elbowed her way onto the front cover of Us Weekly to wail 'I AM SO ALONE' in gigantic bright yellow letters. And if you thought that was melodramatic, just wait until you hear what Lindsay said in the accompanying story:

'It's absolute hell… The worst night of my life… I'm not a bad person and this is what happens. I was raised to treat people well, and I'm so tired of this drama. Everyone's turned on me,' says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said 'Uck,' and Drea De Matteo said, 'Come at me, bitch.'

That's terrible. It's bad enough being dumped, but you know you've hit rock bottom when Nicole Richie and the woman who used to be in Joey turn on you. They're like the Greek choir of crap that nobody could possibly ever bring themselves to care about.

Actually, we do feel a little bit sorry for Lindsay Lohan here. We've all been in a similar situation at one point or another in our lives, and the feeling that you'll never meet another funny-looking mannish lesbian with bad teeth and a shit hat can be overbearing. But it gets better, Lindsay, we promise.

There's a whole world of people out there, Lindsay, and you can have your pick of any of them. Just make sure it isn't Calum Best again, OK? Because, although you probably are that stupid, it'd be nice if you chose not to be for once.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!