Shawne Merriman Accused Of Choking Tila Tequila: Here We Go Again

So Chris Brown has been convicted for his horrific choke-attack on Rihanna and he's been punished accordingly.

That's the end of all that, then. But you know what'd be great? If something almost identical happened, but this time to two people who barely even counted as celebrities. You know, two staggering nonentities who've made such a pointlessly small contribution to the world that we'd be surprised if their parents would be able to pick them from a line-up comprising them, three goats and a Weetabix.

Anyway, American footballer Shawne Merriman has been arrest on suspicion of choking Tila Tequila. Hooray!

It's a sad fact that violence towards women is prevalent in the celebrity world. Just look at Chris Brown, who attacked his girlfriend Rihanna in a car in February. Or Phil Spector, who literally shot a woman in the face. Or Vanilla Ice, who allegedly hit his wife then tried to kill himself with a motorbike or something. It's sad but it's true – domestic violence also affects celebrities.

It affects non-celebrities, too. In fact, sometimes it even affects people who somehow think they're celebrities even though, if you made a list of all the people in the world ranked by their level of fame, they'd come quite near the bottom after all the world's local weathergirls and that old lady from down the road who collects garden gnomes and Richard Blackwood. What we're trying to say, we suppose, is that domestic violence also affects Tila Tequila. Possibly.

Oh, you know, Tila Tequila. Sort of popular on MySpace. Has her own awful MTV reality show. Dresses a bit like a prostitute. Has a much higher opinion of herself than you could ever reasonably expect. That's her. Anyway, Tila Tequila's boyfriend is Shawne Merriman, who is apparently a San Diego Chargers linebacker, even though we literally don't know what any of those words mean. And about 3:45 on Sunday morning, Shawne Merriman was arrested on suspicion of choking and falsely imprisoning Tila Tequila, after a phone call from Tila Tequila herself. CNN reports:

When police arrived, 'the reporting party identified herself as Tila Nguyen, aka Tila Tequila, and her alleged assailant as Shawne Merriman,' the statement said. 'Nguyen told deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence,' the statement said.

Now, it's important to point out that Shawne Merriman denies choking Tila Tequila. According to his lawyer, Tila Tequila was drunk, uninjured and surrounded by witnesses who will all be able to disprove the accusations against him.

Ultimately we aren't going to know exactly what happened between Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila until a police investigation into the incident is completed. That said, the false imprisonment claim does seem a little confusing, doesn't it? Because it's Tila Tequila, for crying out loud. Who'd honestly want to willingly keep Tila Tequila in their company for even a second longer than they absolutely had to? It doesn't add up. If it transpires that Shawne Merriman did restrain Tila Tequila on purpose, we'd say his best bet would be to plead utter, mind-melting insanity.

We're sure we'll be hearing a lot more about this in the coming days. Or, even better, we won't.

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