FOUND IN THE TRASH: Colonel Abrams, The Most Fabulous Artist of the 1980s

Sunday afternoon, while puttering around New York's downtown area in a post-brunch haze, a friend and I happened upon a box full of records, with the following image staring up at us from the curb:



Who was this fancy, well-groomed and becowhided gentleman with a dreamy mustache that so nicely compliments his look of abandoned hopelessness? Not one to usually dig through trash, I snapped a pair of trusty 'emergency gloves' unto my hands and picked up this finely worn record cover.

That's when I met 'Colonel Abrams'. As Wikipedia has since taught me, 'Colonel Abrams is his actual name, not a stage name.' Which is why we'd like to do this to Colonel Abrams parents.

And if you think the FRONT of his album has a lot to offer, clearly you haven't heard of the names of his songs:

The back of the record offered an even deeper look into Colonel Abrams' despair:



It turns out the love of his life is a mannequin who bears striking resemblance to one of our current favorite obsessions:



So by now it should be clear that Colonel Abrams has moved the deepest part of our core. And we hadn't even heard a single track! And the titles alone left us titillated and slightly confused.

While the beginning secretly reads like the track listing to 'O.J. Simpson's Greatest Hits', one song in particular caught our attention… Clearly…

'Table for Two'.

At drinks that evening, my pal Stephen and I dreamed up what 'Table for Two' probably sounded like. And it went something like this (sung to the tune of 'Random Smooth Vocal R&B Stylings You Wanna Make Love to By The Fire As Cause Your Man Know How To Treat You Like a Lady'):

'Get your napkin ready, spoon and fork too,
We're gunna be eating at a table for two…
Excuse me Mr. Waiter we'd like to order some food,
I got a lady sitting with me at this Table for twoooo.

Girl how does your food taste? I wanna it to taste real good
And I just wanna love you… all night lahahaaaaahahooooong.'

This went on for a few hours until the maitre d' stopped by with 2 police officers in tow and kindly asked us to stop.

The moment I got home, I rushed to my favorite brand new website to find a version of this 'Table For Two' business.

You guys: I'm a f*cking mind reader (Things pick up at 1:00):



Off to bathe in a case of red wine while listening to this on loop.

Very seriously, do any of have a record player and live within 1000 miles of New York? I'm willing to drive a few hundred days to check out the mysteries that await on Colonel Abrams' self-titled debut.