The 2009 Emmys: Television Bops Its Baloney For Over Three Hours

Life is funny sometimes. When I want to engage in self-abuse, I lock all the doors and make sure the drapes are closed. When TV wants to give itself a massive three hour handjob, they book a block of prime time on CBS. Oh, and they have musical numbers. Well so do I, but I at least have the decency to feel a sense of shame about it. So make the jump and watch TV go blind at the 2009 Emmy Awards.


OK let's try to refrain from making Nazi symbols with our legs tonight, k?

(Special thanks to Flipit for doing the screengrabs and captions for the actual awards ceremony on this one. Just so everyone knows, not only is he funny and talented, but he is a great son too.)

Okay, my apologies because I really meant to do this post right away and also combine it with a massive breakdown on the two hour red carpet show on E. Unfortunately I was watching Top Chef on Bravo before the red carpet thingee was supposed to start, and in a sheer genius counter-programming move Bravo was showing Training Day at the same time the E show was on, and honestly if I watched Ryan Seacrest, or as we like to call him, Tinkerbell, for two hours straight I would have completely bled out through my eyeballs even before Doctor Doogie started with the show tunes. So seeing as my attention was wandering, let me just fill you in on the stuff I saw and found remotely interesting.

It was really hot in LA when they are filming this. I know this because everybody is complaining about it, and Tink's sweating like those pictures from his last Rosie cruise were going to hit the internet at any moment.


And next up, Ricky Martin!

Speaking of the interweb, Tink is all about the tweeting tonight. He brings it up every chance he can because he's just that hip and cutting edge, and every time the camera cuts away he'd be scurrying over to hit that keyboard and give his followers another 144 characters of Tink magic. Too bad they keep cutting away, because typing on TV is always ratings magic. That's why closed captioning is on every show now. The cool factor. Helping deaf people is just a perk.

Jay Manuel and Ne Ne from Real Housewives of Atlanta were in the fashion skybox. Liberace's corpse must be rocking it tres casual tonight because Jay is wearing his jacket. Just kidding, he looks nice. He and Ne Ne are doing the fashion critiques for E tonight. The best part of their shtick? Every time Jay says a woman looks great, Ne Ne gets a look on her face like somebody just smeared poop on her upper lip, either that or that a production assistant just told her the craft service table is out of pork chops.



Awwww, Ted Koppel lent her his lucky rug for the night. Dear E, I know you and Kathy Griffin haven't had the bestest of relationships in the past because Kathy has a history of acting up at these things and now that she is the queen of the Shemmys she's not going to work for all the half-empty boxes of wine left over after the show any more. That being said, I don't care if next year she is punching nuns in the baby makers on camera and you actually have to pay someone scale at this thing, supposedly that E stands for entertainment so hows about manning up and putting a little of it on the screen? Love Waffleboy.

Man Denzel Washington is just evil in this movie. It's such a change of pace but then again, maybe he's always been like this. I need to watch Remember the Titans again and make sure he wasn't peddling dope. Whoops! Sorry I was thinking that during a commercial, I swear and I turned the channel right back.



The most interesting part of E's red carpet show Willow from Buffy is on. Yes I know her name is (looks it up on Google) is Alyson Hannigan but let's be honest, if you know who she is the first thing that flashes through your mind is, "oh there's Willow from Buffy." Anyway, she had a kid six months ago and she looks great. They ask her what her secret is; I'm guessing she's spanxed to within an inch of her life under that dress. Willow tells us it's from breast feeding. Apparently her kid is literally sucking the life out of her. Well whatever works for you Willow.


Best way to keep thin? Adoption.

In fashion news, I see the first full blown fashion disaster of the night. What was Macy Gray thinking with those nails? Oh crap, I'm watching Training Day again. Still, if Glen Close would have worn that gold tooth Macy was wearing her dress would have been off the hook.

Back on the red carpet, Tink just made his 47th reference to spending time with his mom tonight. Well that is totally straight behavior.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is on the red carpet with her boyfriend, Jamie Kennedy. I think it's official now; there are only three straight guys in Hollywood. This also goes a long way towards explaining the phrase "noted Hollywood ladies man, David Spade."

The credits are coming up; it's eight o'clock, yay! I flip over to CBS for the show. 60 Minutes is still on, and hey! Andy Rooney is still alive, and oh man is he bitter about it. Awwww, I think someone needs a trip to the death panel. Anyway, on with the show.



When did people stop drinking water out of the tap? Used to be, water was free and it was in your kitchen. Now you gotta pay a dollar for a plastic shot glass with a screw on lid! Booooo! Doctor Doogie is the host tonight. Yes I know he's Neal Patrick Harris (thanks again Google!), but hey the guy graduated from medical school when he was 13, so show a little respect, huh? What? That wasn't real? Are you sure? Does the AMA know about this?

Anyway, noted fake doctor Neil Patrick Harris is the host tonight. NPH is supposed to be the bee's knees at this hosting stuff and CBS is hoping he can work the same magic here he worked at the Tony Awards. If said magic involves Liza being coked to her eyeballs, and dropping scenery on Bret Michaels, then I'm all in favor of this casting choice.

The show starts and NPH launches into a big musical number begging people not to change the channel. Man Doogie we aren't two minutes into this thing and you're begging for viewers? Needy much? Then again last year the audience was 14 people doing Emmy blogs and two squirrels with a Nielsen box who couldn't figure out how to change the channel; you beg Doogie, beg like the wind!


OK now I'm begging. PLEASE PLEASE STOP SINGING.

The musical number is pretty cool and NPH starts making magic with the jokes. We get our first official Kanye West joke of the night at 8:06, which would be kind of funny, if everyone and their brother hadn't already beat that joke into the ground out on the red carpet. We get a few more jokes and is it time to start passing out the statues?

Whoa, slow down cowboy. First NPH has to explain that this year's Emmys is like a book, which is a really tortured way of saying they are going to pass out each category of awards separately in the following order, comedy, reality shows, miniseries and TV movies, variety shows, and dramas. Got it? Good. Do we get to see awards being passed out? No, but we do get a two minute montage of comedy bits from last year.


I use that term very lightly.

Okay, now we can start making magic with the awards. The first category is Outstanding Performance by a supporting actress in a comedy. Tina Fey and Jon Hamm are here to read the teleprompter and give someone a brand new doorstop. They start reading off the names and oh everyone is wearing kooky glasses. Oh my, how adorable. I just might have to slash the tires on whichever producer's car who thought this bit up.


Although I have to admit, this shot alone is better than the entire last two seasons of Weeds.

My hateful thoughts are interrupted when they announce Kristin Chenoweth wins for Pushing Daisies. Kristin might have given the best performance of the year last year on Pushing Daisies; then again she might have been the worst thing to happen to TV since Tony Danza got his first go-back. I have no idea because I've never seen Pushing Daisies, and judging by the fact the show has been cancelled, I'm not alone on this one.


Take your time, lady.

Kristin comes up and she's all ready starting to blubber. She tells us the glasses were Amy Poehler's idea. Well looks like none of the producers are going to be calling a tow truck now. She mentions the show getting cancelled and how's she's now unemployed and how she'd really like to be on Mad Men, 24, or The Office. It's a cute speech and I really like her now that she's taken those damn glasses off. Does anyone know what kind of car Amy Poehler drives?

Okay, on to the next award! Ummm, no. On to our first set of commercials. This ain't PBS and somebody has to pay for Doogie to crack wise about Paula Abdul. Six minutes of desperate huskerism ensues, annnnnnnnd we're back!

Next up is Outstanding Writing in a Comedy. Everyone from How I Met your Mother minus the Doogie comes out to give out the award. Nominated is everything up to and including a lunch order from last November for 30 Rock, oh and a Flight of the Concords episode got nominated too. The Office's cost cutting decision to eliminate consonants from the shooting scripts is really coming back to bite them on the ass right now. 30 Rock wins, surprises, surprise and the writer gives one of the most boring speeches of the night. I guess he saves funny for work.


Me thinks there are a bunch of punch up writers who went ignored on this one.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Amy Poehler come out to give the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy. At this point I'm thinking Tracy Morgan should win here, he didn't get any less funny this year, right? Too bad, because I actually do like NPH on How I Met Your Mother. Jack Mcbrayer and Rain Wilson are hella funny too. Shoot Kevin Dillon is about the funniest thing on Entourage (although that is sort of like saying the burning sensation when urinating is the most fun symptom of syphilis), really as long as it isn't...oh pound a railroad spike up my rectum they just gave an Emmy to someone involved with Two and A Half Men. Yes the winner is John Cryer who looks like he dug up a Ducky vest from Pretty in Pink to wear with his tux tonight.


Robbed.

Jon Cryer says he used to think awards were shallow displays of popularity, while now he sees that they recognize true achievement, and that's funny. Then he says that Charlie Sheen is amazing and deserves an Emmy and those are fighting words. I need a moment to get myself together after this preview of the apocalypse and luckily CBS has about six minutes of Pizza Hut commercials to cram down my throat, jackpot!

We come back from our well deserved commercial break to have Justin Timberlake in his super smart glasses giving us the nominees for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy. Toni Collette wins for The United States of Tara, which I didn't see. Toni says she surprised to win, and Tina Fey is starting to feel silly for bringing that pillow case to carry all her Emmys home tonight.


See?

Two girls from Gossip Girl come out, but they aren't here to give out an award. They are here to introduce Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake who have already been on stage tonight. If you're wondering how you get an awards show to run over three hours they are putting on a clinic to night. They hand out the award for Outstanding Directing in a comedy and the guy who directs The Office wins, which means he's extra good because we know their scripts stink. The guy comes out and gives his speech and doesn't specifically thank a single person. This is actually pretty awesome.


Two wrongs don't make a right.

We cut again to commercials, and if you are keeping track at home we are on pace to finish up at a little after three in the morning.

We come back and Rob Lowe is there to give out the award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy. Man he is seriously not funny. They run through the nominees and we get to Charlie Sheen. "In 1990, Sheen accidentally shot his then-fiancee, Kelly Preston, in the arm; a minor wound needing two stitches. The relationship ended shortly thereafter." Sorry, that is a quote from Charlie Sheen's Wikipedia page, which is quite possibly the best source of unintentional comedy in the world today.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen doesn't win, and it looks like we aren't in the end of times. Alec Baldwin wins and spends his acceptance speech power sucking up to Lorne Michaels. I hadn't seen anything this ugly since I sucked up to my boss at the last company Christmas party. I guess Alec is angling for a two percent raise too.


That leather bag next to him is very proud.

Hey it's TVgasm's time, they are giving out the awards for Reality shows. Well first we have a big dance number, because, hey it's an award show, okay? Then, just to get everyone in the mood we see a montage of clips from reality shows that ends with a bunch of people dropping bleeped out f bombs.


The reality package, predictably, is all class.

Jon Cryer and Hayden Leslie Panettiere give out the award for Outstanding Reality Show Host, four little words riddled with oxymorons. Jeff Probst wins for Survivor and tells me if I dream it I can make it happen. It's true, I picture Jeff Probst getting the hell off my TV and we cut to commercials.


Dreaming of reality show hosting? It can happen, people.

We come back and Tracy Morgan gives Amazing Race the award for being the Outstanding Reality Show. At this point they should just start mailing this Emmy to the producers every year. Anyway, the Reality chapter of our Emmy book is over, so it's time to class up the joint with Emmys for miniseries and TV movies.

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedwick come out to give award for Outstanding Actress in Miniseries or Movie. Shohreh Aghdashloo wins for House of Sadaam. Did you see it? Me neither. She gives a nice speech but it's pretty obvious they are going faster now. I guess somebody in the production booth just figured out at their current pace Punxsutawney Pete is going to see his shadow before this thing is over.


OK Brenda Lee Johnson, keep the role on TV. This dress takes method acting to a new low.

Ken Howard wins Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for Grey Gardens. The White Shadow takes home a statue! Salami must be so proud. Anyway he thanks the lady who gave him a kidney transplant nine years ago. Alec Baldwin thinks he should have thanked Lorne Michaels. We cut to commercial.

Brendan Gleason wins Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for Into the Storm. Man he's got big ears. He tells a nice story about his mom dying, or as nice a story as you can tell when your mom dies.

We move on to Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special. Jennifer Love Hewitt tries to get some fake presenter banter going with Patricia Arquette, but PA is starring into the teleprompter like she's a German and it's the Ark of the Covenant. Some guy named Andrew Davies wins for Little Dorrit. Andy is not here, so no speech. You can hear the producers cheering off camera.


And the award for biggest boobs on a show about a woman who talks to dead people goes to...

The next award is for Outstanding Directing in a Miniseries or Movie, and it goes to a lady named Dearbhla Walsh for Little Dorrit. In one of the most awkward moments of the night the camera swoops in on her right as she is getting out of her seat in a kind of low cut gown and we get a view of her cleavage that you should only really see if you taken her out for a nice dinner first. She gives a nice speech and thanks her partner. Awwwww.


I am sure your partner appreciates you just as much.

Hey, we're really starting to make up some time. We might actually get out of here on time or even a little early, right? Oh hell no. The producers decide to trot Doogie out for a Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog skit to make fun of the internet. Interestingly enough I watched Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog on DVD earlier in the week and it was pretty good. This? Not so much, mainly because every minute it ran was one extra minute of the frigging Emmys I was going to have to watch.


This sucked so hard I'm taking the Doctor out of your title.

We finally move on to the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie, and they get Alec Baldwin to stop making googly eyes at Loren Michaels long enough to come out and read the nominees. Jessica Lang wins for Grey Gardens. Sweet Baby Jesus, she thanks everybody in her speech except the valet who parked her limo. Hey who feels like watching commercials? Yeah, well tough noggies we're watching them anyway.


I hope you kept the receipt for those cheeks. Yikes.

We come back to the show and they hand out the Emmy for Outstanding Made for TV Movie. Grey Gardens wins again. All I take away from this speech is when they cut to the crowd and we see the Mac guy from the commercials is going out with Drew Barrymore. I guess it's his turn.


Simon Baker will have her number in his Blackberry by the end of the night.

They hand out the award for Outstanding Miniseries, and Little Dorrit takes this one too. A whole mess of Brits comes on stage and some guy makes an impassioned speech, but all I can do is wonder who the hell is selling fish and chips in London right now?

Okay, that wraps up the miniseries stuff, let's do some variety shows.

The cast of The Big Bang Theory comes out and for my money they give us the best awkward fake banter of the night, hands down. Some guy from American Idol wins for Outstanding Directing in a Variety, Music or Comedy show, and manages to make it completely through his acceptance speech without admitting the hardest part of his job last year was duct taping Paula into her chair every night.

The next award is for Outstanding Writing in a Variety Music or Comedy Show. This is always a cool award because the nominees always do really creative things to introduce themselves. This year The Daily Show does a thing where they run pictures of clunker cars when they rattle off the names of the writers. It's pretty funny, and they win! After a quick speech we cut to some desperately needed Pizza hut commercials. Did you know they are putting cheese in the crust? Jackpot!


But did they make Wolverine sparkle? No. No they did not.

Now we come to Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics. Jimmy Fallon comes out and does a funny bit with one of those techno-voice box dealies and we get the nominations. I think Mother Lover is going to take this in a walk. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm what the French call un wit de nit; the opening number from the Oscars wins. A bunch of guys come up and give a good speech about how they just gave the Emmy to the nerdiest guys in the running. Hmmm, sounds like this guy had Mother Lover in his Emmy pool too.

Okay we get to the end of this part of the show and Ricky Gervais comes out to give the Emmy for Outstanding Variety Music or Comedy Series. Ricky Gervais is funny as hell and does a great bit about how he likes working on TV because looks wise he is slightly above average in this group. It's real funny, and not in any way shape or form true.


Well....

Anyway, The Daily Show wins and Jon Stewart is very proud. We now get to the Drama section of the show and we are in the home stretch.

LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell come out to give the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama, because it's time for a shameless plug for a new CBS show. Michael Emmerson wins for Lost and he gives a nice short speech. Yay Michael Emmerson!


Only time these two will be on this stage for this award.

Before Mikey is even off the stage they are announcing the nominees for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. Cherry Jones wins for 24, and also wins for the best use of the word Wozer at an awards show.

Hey why are they cueing up music and why is Sarah Mclachlan singing "I Will Remember You"? Oh crap, it's the dead guy reel; great we could be here all night. Actually the whole thing is a very nice tribute and my only beef is I can no longer look at a picture of Farrah anymore without thinking about what a complete scumbag Ryan O'Neal is. Anyway, on with the show.

Bill from True Blood and Angel from Buffy, and well Angel come out and introduce the real presenters for Outstanding Directing in a Drama, Ellen Burstyn and Michael J Fox. Some guy who directed an episode of ER wins and he's not here either. Score, no speech.


Muffin Top alert!

It's time for Outstanding Writing in a Drama, and much like in comedy there apparently was only good writing on two shows, Mad Men and Lost. Mad Men wins, only four more Emmys to go.

It's time for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama. Simon Baker comes out in a pair of smart guy glasses, and we find out that Glen Close wins for the second year in a row for Damages. Glen is happy and thinks everyone dying last year was great! Okay, that didn't come out right. She thinks being in an industry that had people like that working in it is a great honor. There, that sounds better. Before it sounded like she wanted everyone to go to Paul Newman's grave after the show and pull a Riverdance, which would be terrible, but awesome on Youtube. You know I'm just going to stop talking about this now. Just as well because CBS decides to squeeze one more set of commercials into the show.


Peggy's too new to have learned to fake smile properly, but this is a good effort.

Okay, Dana Delany comes out, and Baby Jesus, she's wearing glasses too! Lenscrafters in Malibu must be the new in place to hang. She rattles off all the names for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama and Bryan Cranston, Malcolm's dad, wins for Breaking Bad. He gives a nice speech and almost cries.

We're down to the last two awards, and Bob Newhart comes out to give the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series, YAY! 30 Rock wins, so Tina gets an Emmy for her pillowcase and she makes a dig at Jay Leno, thanking the network for doing their show when talk shows are cheaper. Burn, and it should totally make the NBC company picnic this year a lot more interesting.

Sigourney Weaver comes out to give out the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series. Wow she looks really good, in a not riddled with botox way that everyone else in Hollywood over the age of 30 should use as an example. Anyway, Mad Men wins. The all come up on the stage, yada, yada, yada; Doogie thanks me and the squirrels for sticking around to the bitter end, annnnnnnnd we are done at 11:03, yay!

Well there you have it, the 2009 Emmys, a tribute to excellence in television, and rings of cheese in the crust of pizzas. Jackpot.