This Is Depressing

While you're sitting in your cubicle this afternoon eating your lunch of ramen noodles, stale popcorn and tap water, don't think about how much The Hills twats makes per episode. Well, unless you want your bowels to burst. If that's the case, think away!

The Daily Beast got a hold (*cough*Spencer's flesh beard faxed it them*cough*) of a contract which states what everybody on The Hills makes per episode. Get ready to pop the Pepcid, because here we go:

Lauren Conrad - $125,000 per episode (her contract also stated that nobody on The Hills could make more than her)
Kristin Calawhateverwhoever - $90,000 per episode
Heidi Montag - $100,000 per episode
Ceiling Eyes - $100,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth - $100,000 per episode
Spencer Twatt - $65,000 per episode
Brody Jenner - $45,000 per episode
Spencer's flesh beard - One bottle of RID and a 2-month supply of Veet
Staci the Bartender - Two morning after pills and a 10% off coupon to the free clinic

And there you go! It's hard for me to fully hate, because these bitches are making money for doing absolutely NOTHING. Seriously, they aren't even flexing one brain cell (for those who have one). They get paid a ton of cash to go to fake lunch, talk about fake things, sit at their fake jobs and partake in fake relationships. But they are gittin' that cash...I guess.

However, it would be a lot cheaper for MTV if they simply painted a coat of paint on the wall and filmed it drying. It would have the same effect and only cost them $20 MAX. I'd even give them the Lowe's gift card my mom gave me for Christmas.

With all that being queefed, I will be watching the season premiere tonight. Yes, I AM THE PROBLEM!!!!!