Britney Spears Releases Another Song About Her Manky Old Clodge

Britney Spears has a new single out. It's called 3, so presumably it's about the highest number she can count to.

Just kidding. It's about the amount of braincells Britney Spears has left. Just kidding. It's about the number of industrial-sized bottles of toilet cleaner that Britney Spears had to drink before allowing Kevin Federline to marry her. Just kidding. It's about the number of people who have an unblocked view of Britney Spears' vagina at any given time. Just kidding.

It's actually about Britney Spears having sex with two people at once. We think we preferred the toilet cleaner one.

Back in 2004, did you buy the Britney Spears greatest hits collection My Prerogative? You did? Well throw it away. Throw it away THIS INSTANT. It's no longer the definitive Britney Spears greatest hits collection.

Sure, it might have all the songs you'd ever really need from a Britney Spears greatest hits collection, but ask yourself this – does it have the song that Britney shambled around silently to in a weird bikini at the MTV VMAs that time? Or the song that sort of spells out a swearword if you say it quickly enough in a funny accent? Or the one that sounds like Professor Steven Hawking's voice machine succumbing to a malicious virus that can only make him repeat the word ‘womanizer'? You know, the songs that you're likely to listen to once and then forget about forever?

The answer is no. And that's why you need the new Britney Spears greatest hits collection that's coming out in November. That and because there's a brand new golden-era Britney song on it, entitled 3. Well, OK, maybe not golden-era. Or bronze-era. What's the era called when you've had a series of psychiatric meltdowns and have to have your entire life controlled by your father and a team of faceless officials who are are financially invested in your success? Well, that era, anyway.

But 3 has been written and produced by Max Martin, who did …Baby One More Time and Oops!… I Did It Again, so it's sort of golden-era Britney, even if it sounds like it's been performed by an unnecessarily strict robot and is all about how much Britney Spears likes being spitroasted by a couple of burly strangers. Look…



What do you think? Personally we're hoping that 3 is a success for Britney Spears, because then she can follow it up with a song called 4, about having it off with two blokes and a woman. And then 5. And then 6. And then a song called Actually It's Getting A Bit Sore Down There Now (What Is This Anyway, Bloody Caligula?).

Anyway, if you like 3 then you'll need to buy the new Britney Spears: The Singles Collection album when it's released in November. That's a disappointing title, isn't it? After all, My Prerogative was a nice bellwether for all the years of madness that would ensue when Britney Spears was allowed a prerogative. We were kind of hoping that her new album would predict the years to come in a similar fashion, too. Is it too late to retitle it For God's Sake Don't Let Her Near The Scissors Again?

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