The Cheryl Cole Won't-Sing-Live Conundrum Solved!

Some of you might have noticed that over the course of the Rocky films, the gravel-voiced trainer with the face like a seriously chewed piece of gum never got into the ring. He'd happily bark at Sly Stallone, calling him a loser, telling him what to do, but that was it. And the reason was simple – if he'd stepped up to Apollo Creed himself, the old man would have be dead before he hit the floor. It's a story that now echoes the life of Cheryl Cole.

Everyone seems to have been going bananas over the last few days, as Cole has wriggled and wormed her way out of performing her new solo song live on Saturday night's X Factor, even though she mentors a gaggle of live singers week in week out. And we all know why. She knows why. Literally everyone knows why. Yet, no one seems comfortable acknowledging that it's the right move.



Put simply, if she went live, she'd be totally rubbish. She's not a very good singer, she's about third in line for lead vocals in Girls Aloud – and that's only because no one appears to like the transparent ginger one taking up too much of the spotlight, and the other one (Kimberley?) sings like she's doing an impression of a trumpet. Hence, it would be the live X Factor equivalent of watching Rolf Harris showing Van Gogh how to paint. Then how would her little singing monkeys ever respect her again?

At least this way, she gets to dangle a few 'what ifs' in the air, which will surely all be forgotten the minute Dannii Minogue opens her mouth to out another could-be-homosexual. Or Louis stumbles mouth first into an accidental racism.

Apparently Cole told an 'unnamed friend' of hers:

I really don't see the problem. I will be singing live. I just won't have time to get changed and get prepared for the performance, and be a judge on the show. It would be too hectic.'

We would suggest taking a small plastic bag of clothes to the judging seat with her, which she could quickly slip into during the adverts, but we know how to read between the lines. If she was genuinely worried about everything being too hectic, she should possibly spare a thought for the contestants during sing-off time. Within seconds of being told that the public doesn't much like very them, they're shoved back into the spotlight to be jeered all over again. If you look very closely, you can actually make out their souls dying.

In other X Factor news, Leona got chinned by a mentalist.

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