Hells Kitchen: And The Winner Is........

OK folks, so here we are. At last we shall learn who will be the next Head Chef at the Araxi Hotel in Whistler, British Columbia. Ha! First we will have to relive all the hideous moments that came before but at some point, a couple of hours from now, we will know. Hopefully. Let's see which of our Hell's Kitchen Chefabes makes the final cut!

Not this jack ass!

A little background info. You see last week Cherie did an unintentional complete spit across her rain slicked back deck and basically broke her ass. So I am typing this recap from bed on a 400 year old lap top that my bro in law so graciously loaned me. Oh and a little PSA, when people say drugs are bad, they've obviously never broken their fat ass before. Now on to the show.

Last week we were down to four Chefabes. Between One Arm's bad arm and Whoopi's crappy service, Ramsay had a tough decision on his hands. Oh please, of course he let Whoopi go. As much as I've loved her, One Arm can still cook better than she can with both arms.

As a surprise for the final three, Ramsay allowed them a quick moment or two with a couple relatives each. As someone else pointed out Ariel's dude looked like her Dad until I saw her stick her tongue down his throat. It was a quick visit and then off Ramsay sent the Final Three to their rooms. Celebrations ensue and they all three believe they now have the ability and the drive to win. Yet while the other two sleep, One Arm, sits and smokes and worries.

Poor lil' fella.

The next morning, Ramsay reminds them again what's at stake and then does a promo for the Olympics to be held in Whistler in 2010. Yeah SweetCheeks, we know. On to the first challenge. Behind Ramsay on a table sits three silver domes with a cuisine from a different country under each. Each of the chefabes will one at a time randomly pick one and then be expected to make a dish using ingredients from that cuisine.

Up first is Ariel. She picks China. She tells us she loves Chinese food, she can do something really creative with this.

I'ma make Lead Shu Pork.

One Arm goes next and under his dome is...India. He automatically makes a face and says he knows nada about Indian food. That means he'll win.

Is it even legal to eat Pilgrims anymore?

That leaves Cueball with the last dome and under it is Mexico. Cueball tells us it doesn't get any easier than this. (Insert snort sound here)

I was trained at Taco Bell. There's no way I can lose.

They have a pantry stocked with the ingredients they need from each country and 45 minutes to make something "stunning." Off they go!

Ariel and Cueball have already started their dishes but One Arm is having trouble. He plans to make a dish that he's familiar with but then throw in Indian spices. The problem is he can't remember which protein is a no no in India. He decides on pork.

Times up and as usual Ramsay has a trick up his sleeve. He will have help tasting their dishes. And the help will be in the form of three chefs all experts in the very fields these poor slobs have just made dishes in. Haha, there's that sneaky evil side of Ramsay I love so much.

One Arm feels like puking as the Indian Chef joins them.

Please not to be touching my squishy machine.



2nd Chef...

If I see one taco I'm out.


3rd Chef....

Tee hee I made a fart Wong style.


Ariel is up first with her dish from China. She's sweating bullets. Oh hell she has a massive brain fart and cannot remember what the hell she cooked so she just uh's and uh's. She finally manages to get the name out, sort of but not before Ramsay makes this face.




Ramsay asks Ariel if she's worked with Chinese before and she says yes but it's been a while since she's had Chinese Take Out. Excuse me...ahahahahahahahahah!!!!!

Mexico dude says it wasn't too balanced. Indian dude enjoyed the sweetness. Chinese dude says good try but the sauce was too watery. Uh I think that's why she called it a BROTH!

Next up is Cueball with Mexico. Cueball explains that he did a orange and cumin lightly marinated pork tenderloin and mole' chocolate Mexican sauce. Then he reveals his dish.

Me no see no mole Jose!

Ramsay says "What's the sauce?" Oopsy someome forgot to put the sauce on the dish. Cueball fesses up as all the Chef's give each other that chef look and One Arm and Ariel grin like their pizza has just been delivered. Speaking of. BRB. Anyway Ramsay gives Cueball that look my Mom used to give my Dad when he farted in public.

Just wait till we get home!

What is it about recapping and delivery pizza? Anyhoo, back to show. Two of the three chefs liked Cueballs dish but Ramsay thought it was a shame that he forgot the sauce.

Next up is One Arm. He's so nervous he's about to poo himself. Ramsay reveals the dish. My opinion, it looks hideous, but I eat take out so what the hell do I know?

Dude Indians don't eat bird road kill!

One Arm explains that he's never cooked Indian food before but what he has here is Ming Ding something or other, hey if they don't spell it out I have to just wing it. When asked why he chose pork he tells them because he knows cows are worshiped in India. He gets giggled at. Rude! Then he's told that not only is cow a no no but pork is as well because of the large Muslim community. You mean the people (OK SOME) who want to chop our heads off because we are infidels.

Dude! Could you ixnay on the uslimays?

You'll have to excuse me a sec, I don't give a rats ass about what Some Muslims will or will not eat since this competition is taking place in the United States of fucking America! Sorry I mean no offense but my pelvis is cracked and I am on heavy drugs and I have no filter.

One Arm assumes he's screwed and starts blathering about how he respects the Indian people and other ethnicity's and midgets and hobos and small dogs and fat people.
After all that, all three freakin Chef's loved it. As Ramsay converses with the judges about who will win, I sit and wonder who, WHO could it possibly be? One Arm wins!

One Arm's reward is....to sit at Chef's table and have all three of these renowned chefs cook him a meal. Ramsay tells him to ask questions, absorb all the info he can and oh by the way he will also receive a set of the same cookware used in Hell's Kitchen. The losers will as usual be prepping for tonight's service, restocking the bar and getting the dining room ready for service.

Not Fair! I recap for free and don't even get a t-shirt!

WhistleBritches starts slinging silverware into containers for the losers to polish. And he seems to be enjoying it. Ariel however questions whether or not they need that much silverware. Ya know, cause most folks like to eat with their toes. Maybe that's just my family.

I don't want to see a single spot or there will be spankings!


As One Arm walks through the kitchen, WhistleBritches congrats him and then tells he he has a surprise for him.

Look Frenchy, I ain't gay!

He tries to make him guess who will be joining him for his meal cooked by the three famous judges. He has no clue. Why it's One Arm's Fiance' and Sister!

I really hope that ain't the sister.

While the Chefs are cooking and giving info to One Arm, Ariel and Cueball are still polishing silverware and trying to be nosy and learn as much as they can.

Back to work peasants!

While the lovefest continues, so does the chores. WhistleBritches is starting to irritate the crap outta Ariel and Cueball. Cueball whines and then WhistleBritches just rubs it in. Ariel pretends she can't see how great a time One Arm and family are having because she's near sighted. Ha!

Aw, look at the love, while you two are being slaves. So sad. Tee hee.

Back in the kitchen Wong is beating the hell outta his dough. He tells Dave he has to make it behave. This is the most I've seen One Arm smile this entire season.

You have to beat it like you mean it, you understand?

Oh I understand!

Cueball of course is saying that he may have won this challenge but that, "This guy right heeuh, is gonna win Hell's Kitchen."

Reward time is over and One Arm is mumbling to himself again that he has to win. In order to fill out 2 full hours, they decide to do a quick run down of all the losers who came before. We saw them. They sucked. No need to recap it. Oops guess I kinda
just did.

Anyhoo we are about to start the next challenge. It's the one where they each get to take turns being Ramsay at the pass. With a straight face Ramsay says that it can be quite peaceful at the pass. Next we see clips of Ramsay screaming bloody murder at DipVanDingy as well as others. He then with a slight grin says he's " never been upset, never been unhappy and I've never walked out, and I've never thrown anything." Giggles abound.

Ramsay then says its time to get serious. He tells them that when he calls them up one at a time, they are then on their own. Either they will run the kitchen or the kitchen will run them.

Hey WhistleBritches, open Hell's Kitchen!

Announcer Dude tells us that Hell's continues to be a hot spot. Duh, free food and a floor show with Ramsay kicking shit and screaming. I'd go. Anyhoo, since there are only 3 chefabes remaining, Heather and Scott will be helping out. and we are off!

Seriously, that girl looks like a squid.


First ticket in and Ramsay will run the pass, for now. Apps are leaving and they are off to a great start. Uh oh, Ramsay just passed the pass to Cueball. Immediately Ramsay has to tell him to stand up straight. Cueball calls out his first ticket. He's off to a smooth start but Ramsay is about to throw a curve ball into the mix in the form of Scott switching out halibut for sea bass. Will Cueball catch it?

Man that's just freaky. Can't imagine how that could happen.


Well played Cueball. I love how Scott pretends like he doesn't know how that could have happened. Cueball starts feeling all big bally and shouting orders and claiming Ariel is too slow. And she is. Plus she screwed up the lamb.

Ariel had a lamb and she over cooked the fuck outta it.


Ariel thinks Cueball is fucking with her but since he's in charge tough shit. The next lamb she sends up has a bone in it and she tells Ramsay she cannot cut it off or it will mess up the lamb. Ramsay says "Very well." But Cueball grabs the plate and tells her to cut the bone off. Of course when she cuts the bone off it fucks up the lamb and this circle of lamb hell keeps going.

And going, and going....and going.


Ramsay tells Cueball he's about to piss him off. No food is going out. Cueball blames Ariel and Ariel looks like she's going to cry. Ariel looks at the camera and tells us "I am tired of being pushed around now and you will wait and you will be fine with it." Oh yeah, she's a goner.

That's the same look I get when my husband tells me to stop shopping.


Cueball is still screaming for lamb. Then she loses the sauce. Ariel's a mess. Finally it goes out and Ramsay hands the pass over to One Arm. He tells us that he has leadership skills that Ramsay hasn't seen yet. Then he screams for Heather to get him his risotto with asparagus and slaps a dish towel on the counter to show he means that shit. Then he goes over to Scott and yells at him to use a wooden spoon, asks him whats wrong with him and Scott has this response.

Man ya just gotta love him.

By the way just what the hell kind of drugs do these docs have me on?
If there's an explanation, I'm not sure I want to know.


One Arm starts screaming for tuna and risotto and screams let's go as he kicks the garbage cans for good measure. He then yells for Scott to clear down this counter and when WhistleBritches attempts to ask a question he says "Quiet for a second J.P." His methods are working and food is moving but his first test is coming up.

Chef Scott substitutes spinach puree for the asparagus puree in his risotto. One Arm tastes it. One Arm tries to serve it. FAIL! Ramsay slams his hands on the counter and yells stop. He takes One Arm outside and tells him he has to taste taste taste!



Fucked up dish number 2 is on the way to One Arm for approval. And again..FAIL!Ramsay takes him off behind the woodshed and smacks him around and tells him to get his shit together and CONCENTRATE!

One Arm returns to being a mini Ramsay and the food starts moving and he catches mistakes left and right. Ramsay gives him a nice slap on the old ass and send him back to his station.

It's Ariels turn at the pass. She screams out her first order. Heather is already coming at her with a trick dish. She has switched out mashed potatoes for parsnip puree. And FAIL. She doesn't catch it. Ramsay makes her taste it again and she says it needs more cream lol. Ariel tells us it didn't even occur to her that that was mashed potatoes and that you need to taste everything. That's the point dingbat, you tasted it twice and still got it wrong!

It tasted all mashy to me!

Ariel does however manage to start pushing out entrees. However another sneaky snake dish is on it's way. This time it's Chef Scott with salmon instead of sea bass. And she catches it! Chef Scott plays dumb and it makes him even cuter.

Man I don't even know how that could happen.

Ariel is so excited about figuring out the salmon sea bass debacle of the year that she starts yelling out ticket after ticket after ticket. Cueball acts all confused. Ariel is pissed. Ramsay is pissed. He yells at Ariel that she isn't running the kitchen. Chaos ensues.
Finally Ramsay himself notices that it's taking too damn long for Cueball to do scallops. Then Cueball fucks up a scallop and it has to be redone further dragging the kitchen down.

OK, who set the golf balls on fire and ran over them?

Finally she finishes, Chef Scott takes over the pass and the other three are back to their stations. Down to the last table and Ramsay tells them that it wasn't bad, they all had ups and downs. He has each one tell him the person they think will not be in the final 2. He sends them off to think. Sorry but I have to laugh just at the very thought.

One Arm doesn't know what to do. Ariel straight up asks Cueball if he was dragging those scallops on purpose. He tells her this is a competition of skill, not cheating. Ya notice he didn't say no.

Of course not. Is my head sweating?

Back downstairs Ramsay tells them he can see each one of them at the Araxi. What he doesn't say is one of them would be washing dishes. He asks Cueball first who should not be in the finals. He says Ariel. He doesn't think she's quite there yet. Moving on to Ariel. She says Cueball because she doesn't think he had her back at the pass. Then he moves on to One Arm. He says Ariel also. Ramsay says "Each and everyone of your answers hasn't helped me." Then why the fuck'd ya ask? Sorry, it's the pain talking.

Oh God let's just drag this out like OctoMom's cooter. He wants to know why each of them think they should be there. Cueball says he's superman and can make giant meatballs while squishing grapes into wine.

Ramsay then asks Cueball if he can run the Araxi or will the Araxi run him? Cueball will run it Sir!

Ariel spouts out the same I am woman hear me roar I can do anything and everything and blah blah zzzzzzz.

One Arm says he deserves to be there and he can run a kitchen it will not run him. So there!

Oh Lord here come the first of many theatrics. Two Hell's Kitchen banners drop behind Ramsay as he announces the first person advancing to the final. Uh oh one banner now has the final 3 on it. And then the banner only shows One Arm! He's the first to make it to the finals. The second banner turns to Cueball!

One Arm or Cueball?

Everyone says their goodbyes and Ramsay gives Ariel a pep talk and tells her to keep her jacket as a momento.

And then there were two. Oh hell Ramsay tells them they have 30 minutes to get ready and changed because a limo is waiting for them.

Then we are treated to scenes from temper tantrums of losers past. After that piece of filler we finally get back to Cueball and One Arm. Ramsay congrats them both but reminds them they have one final challenge. They will each design their own menu to serve 50 each.

I would like to go there but flipit is too cheap to send me. Or pay me.

Off they go to the limo. WhistleBritches meets them at a hotel and tells them that Ramsay is on the roof waiting for them. Ramsay high fives them and then takes them to the edge of the roof and says "Your final challenge starts right down there!

Instant panic attack!


Down below are screaming nutjobs,people, relatives, whatever. There are Hell's Kitchen banners everywhere and Ramsay tells them that they have to make one stunning entree that will be judged by 3 judges that are waiting below. And as usual they have 45 minutes to do it. Off they go.

Cueball is cooking a Petite Clambake with Poached Lobster and Corn Pudding. One Arm is going more rustic and making a Rack of Venison with a Sour Cream and Chive Parsnip Puree.

Downstairs people are watching on big screens and screaming and cheering. The cooking is over and downstairs they go as Ramsay introduces the 2 finalists to the crowd. Much screaming. Lots of half naked girls wanting to help One Arm heal I'm sure.

Whores!

There will be five judges tasting so the winner needs 3 votes to win. Let's see the judges.

First judge up is Alain Gayot. (There are so many jokes I could make here) One Arm explains what his dish is. And then almost faints watching him taste it. Alain likes it very much.

Alain will then taste Cueball's concoction. He made a Vanilla Butter Poached Lobster with a Corn Pudding and also a potato that he poached in verblanc with a clam. And after all that foo foo bullshit Alain still picks One Arm's rustic ass venison. LOL.



Judge number two is Jaimie Maw. One Arm scores again!

Judge number 3 is Tanya Steele.




Uh oh scrawny chicks rarely eat meet. Cueball might just get this point. Told ya! That makes the score 2-1 in One Arm's favor.

Judge number 4 is Warren Geraghty.



Well slap me silly he picks Cueball! Who could have seen that coming? With only one judge left things are pretty nerve wracking right now. And then I see him.

Judge number 5 is Coleman Andrews. And that is a fat ass meat eating man if ever I saw one!

I love a meaty meat eating man!


He steps up. He tastes. He drags it out as long as possible and then he gives his vote to......ONE ARMED WONDER!

However there is still the big service to get thru. One Arm may have won the battle but there is still a war to be fought. Or some such shit. The next morning they both are hard at work on their menus. During the night Hell's Kitchen was transformed by tiny little elves.

Heather will be working with Cueball in the Red Kitchen and Scott will be working with One Arm in The Blue Kitchen. Here comes Ramsay. He asks Scott if the "special deliveries" are here yet. Why yes they are. Ramsay and his chefabes go outside to the truck and Cueball tells One Arm not to sign for anything until they see it. I was gonna make fun of him because I knew it was some sort of surprise but I didn't know it would be this hideous!

Quick close the door!

Every year they bring the losers back to "help" the two finalists. Now to pick teams. One Arm goes first with Ariel. Cueball takes VanUgh. One Arm then chooses McByPass! Oh how I've missed those chubby ass cheeks of his. Cueball then picks TequilaGirl cause his menu is fish heavy and she's the fish girl. I think I'd be insulted if someone called me the fish girl but what ever. One Arm then picks Suzbland. Leaving Cueball with Sabrina.

Wait a frick fracking second! Where the hell is Whoopi? I WANT AN ANSWER DAMMIT!

The teams go upstairs and get changed and start prepping. Cueball's team is having a little trouble with his convoluted recipes while over on One Arm's side all seems to be going well. Hasn't Cueball learned yet that sometimes less is more? I mean damn, look in the mirror!



McByPass tells us that One Arm's menu is simple but that Cueball's dishes could be on the cover of Gourmet Magazine. He says he doesn't even care what it is he just wants to eat it. I bet he says that a lot!

Each menu has 3 apps, 3 entrees, and three desserts. Here's a sampling. Cueball's menu has Caramelized Scallops, Coffee Cured Tenderloin, and a trio of Creme Brulee for dessert.

One Arms menu features a Wild Mushroom Risotto, a Roasted Loin of Venison, and a Dark Chocolate Mousse.

Ramsay tells us that Cueball's menu is very artistic and beautiful but he's afraid it may be a bit too complicated. He says One Arm has a simple rustic approach but he cannot afford to be sloppy.

Ramsay calls the two over and say that there is something that has been bothering him. That somethings not quite right. They fall for it and almost shit there chef pants until Ramsay pulls out the Head Chef jackets, high fives them and tells them to go get changed. Oh Gordon, you little trickster you!

Dude! Sweet!

They both vow to win Hell's Kitchen. VanCrapHead mutters some shit and then for one last time this season, WhistleBritches opens Hell's Kitchen!

Open those doors glitter drawers!

Each kitchen will serve 13 tables with 50 diners. Guest will include top chefs from British Columbia including Chef Walt from Araxi Restaurant and Bar.

The only one who matters.

Orders start coming in. Cueball is all fired up but no one answers him until he makes them. One Arm is strong from the start. TequilaGirl automatically screws up the scallops.

McByPass is on risotto and he swears he's going to bring the pain. And he does. Appetizers are flying out of One Arms kitchen and Cueball has yet to send a single thing. TequilaGirl has totally lost it. 40 minutes in and NO FOOD has left Cueball's kitchen.

Finally Cueball switches VanStupid onto apps and puts TequilaGirl on starters. Finally it pays off and the food starts leaving Cueballs kitchen.

One Arm is almost done with apps but they are low on mushrooms for the risotto. One Arm tells McByPass to go lighter on them. Ramsay notices. One Arm blames McByPass and McByPass cracks me up by doing a Nixon impression.

I am not a mushroom crook!

McByPass tells us "You done crossed the line my friend. So now I'ma have to fuck wid ya." Then he kind of "helps" One Arm drop a bowl lol. Rude but still.

Oops dude, I thought you had that, with your one arm.

Ruh Roh food is being sent back on Cueballs side. Crunchy risotto is not tasty. Yet again it's TequilaGirls fault. Cueball tells VanFuckWad to get her straightened out. He needs to get her a bottle of tequila and she'll out cook every body.

Tequila on the way!

Van gets everything straightened out and food starts moving. Over on One Arm's side Ariel fucks up the LAMB, again. SHOCKER! She gets her shit together and now both kitchens are back on track.

Then a ticket comes in for Cueball. From the Araxi chef. Cueball calls for med rare beef. TequilaGirl asks "Med rare or med well?" Cueball loses it and says med well., no no no med rare! Everythings a mess. When she brings the meat up he says "That meat is med well I called for med rare." Well in all fairness ya kinda called for both dumbass.

Med rare med well, its all dead animals. Don't you people understand I'm out of tequila!

Ramsay is just standing there dumbfounded.

Cueball is yelling shit left and right and then decides he shall over come and calm down. And he does and things start working. At this point One Arm has 4 tables left and Cueball has 6. And then One Arm's kitchen starts to suck.

The venison isn't cooked right and then someone sends back a salmon to One Arm's kitchen. One Arm yells for McByPass to help Ariel.

It's coming down to the wire. They are neck and neck and suddenly it's over and they both finish service. They all celebrate. One arm is afraid he may not have made it. Cueball is comparing the birth of his child to the stress he feels now. Damn people bring on the doors already!

Tonights winner will be determined by Chef Ramsay and the comment cards. They flashback to both sides boo boo's and good points while Ramsay paces.

Finally the phone rings where One Arm and Cueball are waiting. They go and meet Ramsay and he gives them the speech about how one of them is about to realize their dreams and the other one will be a big fat loser. Ok he didn't say that last part. He gives them the I'm so proud speech and tells them that this has been the closest contest in Hell's history and to him they are both winners.

Step up to your doors boys!



Beyond those doors waits a bazillion people including family and friends and Lord only knows who else. Ramsay explains that the chef who's door opens will be the winner of Hell's Kitchen and the new Head Chef at Araxi. Yes WE KNOW! And then he looks as if he is suffering.

The pain of it all is just too much! (Pay raise)

And the sadistic fucker actually makes them put there hands on the knobs and then he counts to three. 1. 2. 3.-------ONE ARMED WONDER DAVE WINS!

Screams and strobe lights and confetti and hugs galore! Cueball says there was a moment of defeat but he wants to show his kid you can lose and still hold your head high.





So there ya have it folks. I'm happy he won. He really deserved it. As for me I am now going to take a much needed break, no pun intended and let my ass bone heal. I shall return hopefully in December when Bad Girls Club comes back. I want to thank you guys for sticking with me and for all your comments. They have meant the world to me. More than you can ever know.

Love and smooches,
Cherie