90210: I Hate You Then I Love You

This week on 90210, we are introduced to a new character. It's just like that episode of The Simpsons with Poochie.

"Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie the Rockin' Dog!"

Beach. Liam crushes some righteous waves. Cowabunga. Big Kahuna. Gnarly. Etc. He hops in the General Lee and as he pulls out he gets by a big ass Ford truck. Ford tough! Some straw-haired, Daisy Dukes wearing betty gets out of the car and laments the broken fin on her surf board. Liam thinks the big ass dent on his car is the bigger tragedy. Guess neither of them has heard of Darfur.

Speaking of tragedies...

Straw-Hat offers up some cash to quit his bitchin', but Liam would prefer an apology. He gets neither and some makes a comment she deems a sexist insult. Do we really have to endure a whole episode of this crap? Just make them a couple already and get it over with!

Looks like someone has a cru-ush!

CU. Naomi and Richard settle in for movie night. Jungles or caves? Naomi picks the one that's shorter...more time for post-movie discussion. Hee. She wonders of Richard's mom is a big tree hugger, too. She's not. Naomi suggests they "double team" her. Why does that sound sexual/gross?

Just before Naomi can lose another chunk of her soul by kissing Richard, in walks Jamie, football stud/campus hottie/Richard's roommate. Jamie invites them to the Pi Phi Crush Party. Richard declines. "Watching people drink out of red plastic cups kinda makes me wanna barf." Usually it's the people who are drinking out of them that do the barfing. Naomi tries getting Richard to "double team" his mom again but he doesn't think that will work. What will work, for Naomi at least, is Jamie walking out to his room in a towel.

Oh AnnaLynne, I'll miss you when you think you're too big for this show and leave.

Toothy's. She flips through some take-out menus trying to find something to eat. Dixon tries to suggest going out to eat, but she squashes that suggestion quick. People can't see them together; she could get laughed at in trouble. He doesn't want their whole relationship to take place in her apartment. Where's her roommate, by the way? Toothy reminds him that they can't go her his place because he lives with his parents and she's not going through the window "Katie Holmes style". The reference is lost on him.

This reminds me of the time that my prom date and I were at his house watching Showtime at the Apollo and there was a flashback clip of Salt-N-Pepa singing "Push It". I made a comment about owning that tape in 5th grade when it came out. He remembers dancing to it at his senior prom. Awkward.



Casa Wilson. Speaking of awkward, Becky's still not over Harry calling her Kelly. He's apologized and it happened two days ago. Oh Harry. Simple, beautiful, stupid Harry. It could have been 2 years ago. She'll never get over it. He claims the only reason he did it is because he had work on his mind. If I recall correctly, he was drunk out of his mind and hadn't been talking about work. Becky buys it this load and agrees to meet him for lunch at the school.

West Bev. Silver's on the phone trying to get her mom's prescription refilled. GIVE HER MOTHER THE SHOT PILLS! Kelly sneaks up to check up on her. She tells Silver she looks tired. Of course she's tired their mom has CANCER. Remember? Or does your cold black heart erase your short term memory, KELLY?! She remembers. She also doesn't think that living with Jackie is making Silver happy. It's not really about that. It's about the fact that Jackie's dying and Silver is her daughter. "At least one of us is acting like it."

I was wrong about Silver. Kelly's the asshole.

Morally superior and taller.

Beach. Liam, Simi and their pectorals discuss Dixon's continued absences. He's missing practice to get some booty and eat take-out? Stupid, stupid bitch.

They spot some "gnarly" guy out on the water. The coach tells them that it's the winner of last year's Amateur 16 and Under OP Pro...and the newest member of the West Bev team. And would you look at that. It's not a guy at all. It's Straw-Hat! Now don't you think they would have recognized each other from school before?

Really CW? This is supposed to be a woman? Luke Perry's surf stand-in was more believable.

West Bev. Silver runs into History class late as the teacher gives them a group assignment. She's none too pleased to get paired up with Simi. His place or hers? She offers to do the assignment and write his name on it. He notices that Silver doesn't like him much. Hey, Perceptive! Silver thinks he's pompous, arrogant and totally screwed with Borianna. What's not to like?

EWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice nails, asshole. Jazz-Hands couldn't stop thinking about Annie all night. "You got my neurons firing on all cylinders, Annie." LAME! He's so "juiced" that he started working on his screenplay. She's cured him of writer's block. Wait for it. She's his muse. LAME!!! He asks her to be in his movie. Like we all didn't see that coming the second he said he was working on a film.

Beach. Dixon shows up for surf practice. Coach ain't having it and kicks him off the team. Dixon claims to have had a "family emergency" and asks for one more chance.

Back with the team, Straw-Hat talks about her house in Malibu burning down due to the brush fire and name drops some people I could care less to look up. The point of the scene seems to be that she's a horrible, affected actress. She reminds me of Tori from Saved by the Bell. That bad.

Bayside High's up the road, sweet cheeks.

Dixon and coach join them. Dixon's still on the team, but on probation. The coach announces some gnarly gnews. Billabong is donating a hand-made, limited edition board to the winner of tomorrow's meet. Straw-Hat tells everyone that she could really use the board since some douchebag broke hers. Liam gets up like he's going to beat her. Unfortunately, he doesn't and just demands an apology. She'll apologize when he apologizes for being a sexist pig. Oh, give it a rest Jesse Spano! She tricks him by saying that she's acting that way cause she's on her period. He buys it and she calls him out.

Bored...so bored...

CU. Naomi leaves Richard's room and runs into Jamie who picked up the gum wrapper she haphazardly threw on the ground. What would Richard think about that? He wonders what she's doing with him anyway. She says that he's "nice", "neat" even. He eyes her suspiciously and asks to walk her to her car.

Cut to them sitting in the football stadium with some coffee. Naomi recounts the tale of her first CU football game with her grandpappy. I realize that Naomi is a bad story teller. Stick to insults, sweetie. Despite that, Jamie asks about her grandfather. They were close, but he died 5 years ago. They had a special connection; she was his favorite. Aww. Jamie thinks she's a lot of people's favorite. They stare at each other for a bit. For a minute there I think he's going to choke her or suck the blood out of her neck. Homie needs to work on those facial expressions. He says he wants to kiss her but she's dating Richard. Naomi, now's the time to rethink that pussy for college admittance plan you're working on.

Before he kills you...

Casa Wilson. Over breakfast, Annie and Dixon discuss transportation. Annie will be getting a ride to school from Jazz-Hands. Dixon thinks he seems a little sketchy. Does he even know him? Annie claims he doesn't hang out with West Bev kids cause they're all "judgmental lemmings". Judgy Wudgy was a bear, Annie. She calls Dixon out on his own sketchy behavior and he responds with silence.

Get him, Annie! Get him!

West Bev. Naomi complains about being with smelly, shower-hating Richard instead of perfect guy Jamie. Borianna reminds her that she does have the option of ending her fake relationship. Besides, Richard hasn't even introduced her to his mom yet. Actually, he called that morning to invite her to a cocktail party. She just has to get Jamie out of her mind. She can't be distracted by "rock-hard abs and thighs that have driven countries to war". Borianna and I wonder what countries exactly she's talking about.

Silver talks to her mother's nurse on the phone. The nurse has been double booked and Silver's desperate to have a nurse for Jackie that night. Jackie really seems to have taken a turn for the worse hasn't she. A couple days ago she was chillin' reading books and driving herself all over town. Now she's all like Campbell Scott in Dying Young.

In History class, Silver's forgotten about the group project. Simi covers for her and says that he forgot it at his house. The teacher lets them turn it in tomorrow but will dock Simi a whole grade. He told Silver he wasn't a bad guy. She thanks him and says she underestimated him. JK, guys. No one thanks each other on this show.

Harry's Office. Kelly stops by to turn in the senior evals. Doesn't he have a secretary for that? She also gives him the "Please ask me why I'm sad" face. She gives him a brief run down on the Silver situation and asks if they can talk about it over lunch. He agrees. Uh-huh. He then calls Becky and lies (LIES!) about being swamped at work and postpones their lunch date. Which can only mean one thing...

Black face? Really, Harry? Really.

Outside, the guys discuss costume ideas. Dixon suggests the Rat Pack. He can be Sammy Davis, Jr. Frank Sinatra. Simi doesn't think he'll show based on his current track record. He'll be there. Simi wonders if Navid will show up. Why? He hasn't been in the entire episode.

A phone call from Toothy interrupts the male bonding. She tells (not asks) Dixon to come over after school. He has a meet and after that he has a Halloween party to attend. Without moving her mouth, she asks if he'd rather go to a high school party than be with her. What's the hell is wrong with her mouth?

Anyways, he cries that he hasn't been able to hang with his friend and that he doesn't want to ditch them. She hears none of that, tells him to be at her house at 6 and answers her call waiting. I hope the take-out food scented sex is worth it Dixon.

Harry's Office. There's eating. There's talking. There's Becky walking into Harry's office with some lunch. So are the writer's just phoning it in this week? Cause this is the most predictable episode ever.

"I didn't see that one coming."

Surf Meet. The teams gets separated into "heats". Liam and Straw-Hat are paired up. Duh. We knew that 30 minutes ago. Stop wasting my time.

And now we're having the meet. There's surfing. There's wipeouts. There's a cheesy announcer. There's surfer stand-ins. But no Beach Boys. Liam cuts off Straw-Hat. He says he didn't see her. Just like she didn't see him in the parking lot?

Sigh. Still bored...so bored...

West Bev. Silver's doing her homework as Naomi and Borianna stage an intervention. They think she's taken on more than she can handle. Silver's got it under control. Jackie's her mom. Why can't anyone understand that? Well maybe because they two people you are yelling at wish their asshole moms were dying. Just a thought.

Surf Meet. Out in the water, Straw-Hat fakes a cramp and cheats Liam out of a win.

Then this happens...

Toothy's. It's break-up time. Dixon doesn't think the "relationship" is working. He wants to be able to go out and introduce the girl he's dating to his friends. Toothy's pissed that he's thinking about it now, after he "roped" her back in. Drunken hos who live in glass houses...Dixon thought they could find a way to make it work and they didn't. He's sorry. I'll say.

Beach Club Halloween Party. Dixon, dressed as a 70's basketball player, fills the guys in on the whole Toothy debacle. He claims she was a great girl, but they couldn't work it out. Simi, dressed as Dracula, wonders if they're really over or over until they see each other later for some hot make-up sex. Nope, it's real this time. He's back. More like GO back. Right, guys? Anyone?

At the bar, Borianna Monroe and Naomi discuss Silver. Naomi doesn't know how to act or what to say. She's never had a friend who's mother is dying of cancer. Count Simula overhears this and asks about Silver's mom. That's Borianna Monroe's cue to leave.

Liam hits the buffet and, like a gentleman, lets a girl in an ape mask go ahead of him. The ape wonders if the he came as a gentleman for Halloween. Whattaya know, it's Straw-Hat. There's some banal banter about her cheating and him cutting her off that results in a surf off.

"Did you come as Simi's mom?"

Count Simula announces the rules. The first one to wipe out loses. Sounds easy enough.

The stand-ins surf their little hearts out. Straw-Hat does something weird then wipes out. It looked like she was dusting off her shoulder. Don't know. Don't care. Liam wins. Again, don't care.

"I regret nothing...."

Annie and Jazz-Hands pull up in the parking lot. Annie's not to happy to be there but smiles like a goon when he tells her they're there to shoot a scene from his movie. Scene 11 to be precise. It's the scene where Annie's character "borrows" a car and takes it for a joyride. Jazz-Hands doesn't quite get the difference between "borrowing" and "stealing". Annie can't do it. Jazz-Hands, rogue independent film-maker, tells her it's what you have to do in low budget filmmaking.

OHMYGOD! SHUT UP!

Jazz-Hands successfully uses his powers of guilt persuasion to get Annie to agree to it. I'm surprised she's still a virgin, this one.

Casa Wilson. Harry brings Becky some flowers. EHHH!!! Wrong answer. Try something sparkly, dipshit. He apologizes but Becky ain't having any of it. Kelly has a crush on him and he's just playing into it. She's sorry Kelly's mother is dying (even if Kelly isn't, I guess) but she shouldn't be going to her married boss and batting her eyes and crying about her personal problems. Amen! She calls Harry obtuse and goes to yoga to cool off. I bet getting Kelly in a boxing ring would be better therapy.

West Bev. Silver's still doing homework. Are school's open that late? Simi shows up. He thought she'd want to talk to someone who knows what's she's going through. His mom died three years ago. She reluctantly accepts.

Simi moved back east to be with his mom. He felt like he was living a double life. Silver knows what he means. You know, since she's been living with Jackie, for what, a week now.

"I hope Mones feels bad about that crack about my mom."

No one seems to get it. Everyone thinks she's taking on too much. But how could she live with herself if she wasn't there for her? Simi gets it. He also gets how hard it is for Silver to try to form a relationship with her. Sometimes she gets so overwhelmed she wants to scream. He offers to show her how he used to blow off steam. BJ's in the bathroom?

Beach Club. Straw-Hat hands Liam over her Billabong surf board. He thanks her and tells her that, for a girl, she's a good surfer. She starts to get mad but realizes it was a joke. Growing up surfing has made her extra sensitive to gender stereotypes. Well it definitely hasn't helped her skin or hair.

Liam shares that growing up with people thinking you're a bad person has made him sensitive to apologies, or being blamed for things he didn't do...or something. She finally apologizes. They joke and hug. She stares at him a little too long. I yawn and look over longingly at my bed. Soon, my pet. Soon.

Outside, Annie is screaming at us. Oh, wait. She's "acting". She grabs the keys to the car and her and Jazz-Hands get in. How did it feel? "Reckless. Free!" You know what doesn't feel "free"?

Get used to wearing those stripes, sweetie.

Casa Wilson. Harry gets a call from Kelly. She's just checking in. She noticed Becky was upset and would just hate it if it had anything to do with lil' ol' her. Well Kelly, now that you mention it, it did. Harry tells her how Becky thinks Kelly's hot for principal. Crazy, huh?



Kelly's silence and awkward denial speak volumes. Realization finally sweeps over Harry's face and he gets off the phone. So Harry, sparkly and pretty. No flowers, K?

I think the word you're looking for is "d'oh".

Back at the party, Borianna Monroe wants to go home. A party just isn't a party without her skinny jean wearing Persian prince. Naomi would really appreciate it if Borianna's whiny ass could stick around until her date arrives. Lucky for her, there he is. Only it's Jamie, not Richard. Twist!

It's like Norma Jean and Marilyn...only boney.

Naomi walks Borianna down Exposition Way. She broke up with Richard when she saw Liam hugging on Straw-Hat. She then realized that she'll never get over Liam in her fake, college for nookie, relationship. So she has to give Jamie a shot even if it means using part of her trust fund to pay some nerdlette to take her SAT. Aww, Naomi does have a soul.

So, what are we thinking? Jamie turns out to be an asshole and date rapes her or something? Or Richard gets stalkerish or get his mom to deny her application next year? Or will both of them go the way of Rhonda and never be heard from again?

Back at West Bev, Silver and Simi are letting off steam by hitting tennis balls from the roof. Is West Bev on a side of a cliff or something? Otherwise, we should be hearing breaking glass and/or car alarms.

Beach. Dixon walks out to his car and finds Toothy waiting for him. Of course he does. She apologizes for being a needy, bossy shrew. Of course she does. It's just that she's kinda pregnant...naturally.

Good job, dummy! You found the only 20-something chick in LA who doesn't believe in birth control...or abortion.

Fin.

So we finally get a break from the mediocrity next week! Now I can catch up on House and Bones and Glee and Degrassi and The Ghost Whisperer...damn...