Madonna Visits Her Little Malawi Madonna Factory

When Madonna visits Malawi, it tends to be because she wants to adopt another one of its adorable orphans.

But not this time. This time Madonna has gone to Malawi to launch her brand new school, the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls. It's a noble gesture – Madonna wants to use the school to 'focus on empowering women to become leaders, not like that fat idiot Guy Ritchie'. We made part of that quote up. We won't tell you which part.

Anyway, it's a great idea – thanks to Madonna the girls will graduate stronger, more empowered and legally recognised as one of Madonna's own children. What's not to love?

People of Malawi, we have two pieces of wonderful news for you. The first piece of wonderful news is that you don't need to glue false moustaches to the faces of your children to pass them off as tiny, middle-aged waiters – yes, Madonna's coming to visit, but she isn't interested in adopting anybody this time. Your children are safe.

The second piece of good news is that, thanks to the Raising Malawi Academy For Girls, an entire generation of Malawian girls can now grow up to be just like Madonna. Not only does that mean that they'll get first-hand information about how to piss off the pope, but it's also going to be a boost for the nation's faltering disgusting old lady leotard manufacturing industry. Obviously.

And those two pieces of good news are interlinked – Madonna is in Malawi to lay the foundation stone of the new academy. CNN reports:

The school will focus on empowering women to become leaders, the singer said on a Web site run by her charity. 'Our goal is to teach them to challenge themselves, serve their local communities and develop their country,' she said. ' … Research proves that young girls throughout the developing world are often left without opportunities to receive a comprehensive education.'

If any of this sounds familiar, then that's because it is. Madonna's school is modelled on the academy that Oprah Winfrey built in South Africa two years ago, although instead of systematic sexual abuse, the students at Madonna's school will simply receive the secrets of Madonna's success – you know, how to constantly reinvent yourself, how to star in some of the worst films ever made, how to date boys young enough to feasibly be your grandchildren, how to practise a faddish, badly-defined spiritual mysticism that seems to largely revolve around expensive bottled water, that sort of thing.

But you know what? Good for Madonna. At least she's doing something. Maybe it's time that other stars took a leaf out of her book and started building schools in far away countries to push their hokey religious beliefs and smooth over any future roadblocks standing between them and the country's delicious orphans. You other celebrities should be ashamed.

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