Top Chef: Our Mission Is To Be Revolting

Welcome back to Las Vegas ye faithful culinarians! I think Scar once said there were something like 70 million billion trillion hillion skillion restaurants in Sin City, and I bet all of them are hurting right now. Let's face it, there are only so many ways to make "Cheap Beef & Tiny Skrimps" sound classy before you're stuck putting Value Meal numbers next to items on your menu and installing a Drive-Thru for your Lazy Fat Asses On Rascalsâ'¢ traffic. Tough times are here, and everybody's hunkering down, tightening their belts, and holding their hand out to the government for some free cash because who knew building a restaurant with heated tablecloths and solid-platinum electronic forks might not be the best idea?...

...well, because this is how people did financial planning...

Heh, it looks like Sexist Pigshit's so enamored with boobs that he's playing with his own. I bet his left nipple feels dirty and violated right now. Anyhow, tonight's episode of Top Chef is the much-hyped and long-awaited "Restaurant Wars", and not only do we have some fun teams, but we also get another Top Chef Masters alumnus in the mix along with several other surprises after the jump!...

Surprise #1...

...who knew Bitter Jen did cheesecake so well?...

Surprise #2 is that Sticky Wickett's telling us as the numbers dwindle that "the best chefs are remaining" and seems to be curiously including herself in that statement, even though last week she was nearly buttfucked in half by Cliffie Clavin for not really knowing how to make rillettes and she managed to make the editor of Food & Wine Magazine feel like she'd been handed a bowl of Little Friskies. I would say a healthy dose of "WTF am I gonna do to not suck?" would be in order instead of congratulating herself for having escaped yet another bullet.

Speaking of the dearly departed final member of Team Rainbow Season Six, DirtyBear says with Gay Ashlee gone that it has taken "a dynamic away from the house that we just really can't replace." Awww, look how cute he is! Everybody misses the funny gay guy, especially when they're left with the goddamned Volt Brothers bickering all the time. DirtyBear attempts to have a Moment Of Silence for Gay Ashlee...

...but finds it difficult to concentrate...

Li'l Volt takes a moment to tell us that the competition between him and Big Volt goes back a long way and admits that as a kid he was often the instigator of trouble, while "Bryan was trying to look out for everybody." Then he takes away my next barb by admitting that it's still that way. Yup, we haven't forgotten about the Saran Wrap Station Battle of Episode 8, and I'm actually a little impressed that Li'l Volt is able to recognize and own his status as a cocky little shitball. It doesn't make him any more likeable, but I'm impressed nonetheless.

Over at the ever-dozing "M" Resort and Casino (where only Fairbanks is a further drive away) it's time to meet with Scar and find out today's Quickfire Challenge. They arrive to find her there with a knife block and Master Chef Rick Moonen...

...who, if he had just been 3 stars better could have saved us from having to watch that Smirkass Michael Chiarello in the Champions Round a few weeks back...

Yes, I'm still bitter about that, but it's not totally the Reverend Moon's fault, he was actually concentrating on the food while Smirky was trying to get into some chunky divorcee's Spanx. Anyhow, Moonie's known for being a huge advocate of sustainable seafood that has low or negligible impact to the environment, which I have difficulty making jokes about.

Scar reminds everybody that only three of them will make it to the Final Round, and says that a Top Chef can only go so far on their own and this Quickfire Challenge is going to test their teamwork skills. We flash on Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit smirking at each other like the pair of shitdicks they are...

...because they're clearly hoping there is no "Robin" in the word "TEAM"...

Scar then unveils this as the "first ever" Top Chef Tag Team Cook Off. Huhwha? How is that gonna work? Well, they start by drawing knives, and everyone's knife is completely blank... except for Bitter Jen's and Li'l Volt's, which say "First Choice" and "Second Choice" respectively. Oh fuckballs, you know what this means: we're right back in grade school choosing sides for Red Rover.

Since Bitter Jen is going first she's in a bit of a dilemma, because she's not sure whether she should split up the Volt brothers, or let them both wind up on the same team. In the end she decides to pick DirtyBear, and Li'l Volt picks Big Volt. Jen takes Sexist Pigshit next while Li'l Volt grabs Fat Kid, who is grateful for not being chosen last (which I'm betting happened to him a lot in school, being the kind of athlete he is) and then he turns right around and displays yet another layer of his hatefulness as he immediately prays to God that 80's Hooker doesn't wind up on their team.

Because God has better things to do (such as help Kanye West get another Auto-Tuned radio hit) Jen immediately fucks Fat Kid's day over by choosing Sticky Wickett, which means they are stuck with 80's Hooker, making their quartet Team Li'lBigFatHooker against Team BitterDirtyStickySexist (a.k.a. Red Team vs. Blue Team). Heh, Li'l Volt's making that "who farted?" face again, but 80's Hooker isn't bitter in the slightest, she says she knows the kids all think of her as the "mom" in the competition, "It's alright, they're stuck with me!"...

..."...and I love it!"...

Ha, I don't blame her one bit! She's actually excited to work with the Volts, and seems hopeful that by being forced to work together with Fat Kid the two of them may be able to "face the demons". I'd say they'll be lucky not to stab each other. In any case, Scar then drops the biggest bomb yet: Each team will be cooking one dish in 40 minutes, each chef on the team will have 10 minutes to cook before the next one comes in. Oh, and they can't speak to each other...

...now look who's caught a whiff of Fat Kid's poo-poo undies!...

Oh, yeah, and until their time starts, they'll be blindfolded! Holy Ravifuckinoli! DirtyBear just busts out laughing, and tells us that this QuickFire might be the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard, because they're basically going to take their blindfolds off and come upon a work station with a lot of random food and no idea what the previous chef was doing with it. He giggles some more and says it's both ludicrous and crazy.

I, for one, think it's fucking brilliant.

Scar's not done, either. The winning Team on the Quickfire will get "a significant advantage" in the Elimination Challenge and this turns out to be a High-Stakes Quickfire as well, so the winners will get $10,000.00 to split four ways! Fat Kid thinks this is really cool, because, as he so generously puts it, "This is an opportunity for me to take home some cash here." You know, I suspect living rent-free in Mom & Dad's rumpus room has made him a tad selfish, but to be fair, there is a "me" in "team", it's just backwards and schizophrenic...

...much like Fat Kid...

And it just gets harder, because they only have 30 seconds to choose what order they're going to cook in, and they're not allowed to talk about the dish at all. On the Red Team, without waiting for anyone else to form a thought or sentence, Li'l Volt decrees it should go Fat Kid, 80's Hooker, Big Volt then His Awesomeness. Fat Kid thinks that's fine (I'd say because he knows going first means the least amount of fallout for him if things go badly). Big Volt doesn't seem totally pleased about the order though and looks directly at Li'l Volt saying "Third?" in a questioning and slightly annoyed tone. Li'l Volt just stares back at him until he begrudgingly agrees. Li'l Volt believes that putting Big Volt third means that he'll be able to start to fix any crises that may happen early on (meaning 80's Hooker's inevitable screwups) and then Li'l Volt can finish those fixes. I'm beginning to wonder when he won't just pull out all the stops and turn the judges bottled water into Pinot Noir.

Meanwhile, on the Blue Team, DirtyBear is making suggestions in a less demanding tone, venturing that Bitter Jen should go first and Sticky Wickett second. Sexist Pigshit says it doesn't matter to him whether he goes third or fourth, and DirtyBear settles that issue by asking who plates better, which Sexist immediately answers "You do." and starts pretending to us that plating's the only thing DirtyBear does better than him...

..."See, I'm better at fauxhawks."...

Scar says go and they're off and running! Fat Kid's not sure what he can accomplish in 10 minutes (he can cross "Annoy J-Mo" off the list) but he's kinda hunting through the fridge in search of proteins and things, much like Bitter Jen is doing. She's deteremined to start some kind of sauce and she's nabbed some black cod and some scallops, too, just in case anyone wants to fuck those up for the eighty-seventh time. She's put on some olive oil to heat because she plans to poach her fish in it, and she's using shrimp and mushrooms in her sauce.

Wow, I haven't seen Fat Kid move this fast since someone shouted the word "Cake!" in a crowded cafeteria...

...Lookit'im go! And how sad, I think he was heading for Kim's big perky silicone fakies and before he could get there they morphed into NeNe's big droopy naturals...

His strategy is to start simple cooking of some of his raw ingredients, such as strip steak and mushrooms, and preparing and washing greens and veggies so the next person after him isn't restricted to a specific course of action. He worries that their team has so many different "styles" of cooking, meaning the Volts and himself are awesome and have similar styles, while 80's Hooker is "somewhere east of Mars in terms of the kind of food we do." Man, he just never quits, does he? I'm normally not one for advocating that someone actually throw a team Quickfire Challenge, because generally that's strictly the domain of the sluts'n'assholes over at MTV's Real World / Road Rules franchise, but in this case I think it would be well-warranted.

Well, we're about to see what happens, because Scar blows her whistle (who gave her a whistle?) and Sticky Wickett and 80's Hooker are off! Bitter Jen is nervous that Sticky's not gonna follow her flavor profile and just go off on her own, which she fears will lose the challenge for them. Sticky says she's got a sense of what Jen was doing with the fish filets, and she pulls out the scallops and starts working on them, too. She also sees Jen's pot of sauce and leaves it alone because she knows it needs to simmer, so all is good there... but then she sees the pot of olive oil with a piece of thyme in it, and wonders if Jen was making some kind of fried thyme garnish, which clearly makes sense since you'd need an entire pot of olive oil to fry one piece of thyme. "I don't get it!" she moans...

...as Jen chews off the insides of her cheeks...

But then Sticky has a WWJD (What Would Jen Do?) moment and realizes she was going to poach the fish in the olive oil! Yay for her! Meanwhile 80's Hooker has barrelled her way back from Mars to mess with Fat Kid's food... except she's deigned to be a professional and remarks at how impressed she is with how much he got done in ten minutes, what with starting the steaks and shaving the fennel and whatnot, and so she's just gonna roll with it and not throw marshmallows on top of everything. Upon seeing anchovies and yuzu she immediately thinks of making a Caesar-like yuzu vinaigrette dressing to go with the fennel. She's really trying hard and just wants to get enough done for the next chef, which is far kinder than I would have been in the midst of all the haters she's been forced to deal with.

Another whistle blare from Scar signals that it's Sexist Pigshit's and Big Volt's turns. Bitter Jen immediately notices Sexist looks way confused by the mass of food at their station, but after a couple of minutes he seems to understand what's going on with the reducing sauce, and he takes the pot of now-burning olive oil off the stove and starts a fresh one so that DirtyBear can poach the cod while he starts to saute the mushrooms. Who'd have thought that a concept started by two women would have revealed itself to a man like Pigshit? I'm kinda shocked he didn't just start over.

Big Volt seems to be also having some head-scratching over the direction of the Red Team's dish, he interprets the ingredients before him as possibly heading in an Asian direction, so he purees some avocado and lime juice and mixes some soy and yuzu together and leaves a Burr mixer by it so Li'l Volt can create an "air" or a "froth" (or a dreaded fucking foam) and basically sets him up for a big finish...

...while Fat Kid and 80's Hooker revel in their newfound closeness...

Next-to-last whistle-blast! DirtyBear's feeling the pressure, saying it's all up to him to figure out what in the blue fuck everybody was trying to do and get a finished plate out there, so he feels like he's the one who could potentially fuck it up for their team. He sees what he calls sablefish (at first I thought he was misidentifying the black cod, but then I learned that, as usual, I was wrong, it's another name for it) and he notices the scallops, but in the end decides to not bother with them, a decision I feel deserves some applause.

He also notices the second pot of olive oil heating, and correctly deduces that they want him to poach the fish in it... "but I'm not gonna do that." Instead, he's gonna butter-roast it in a pan to give it more texture. Bitter Jen is hopping up and down like she has to pee real bad, and I feel like she'd like to make DirtyBear cry right about now...

...Awww, c'mon Jen, have a little faith in the DeeBee!...

Li'l Volt whines that this challenge is so haaaaard because he has to finish other peoples' foooood and "It's not what I do." He checks the beef and notices that it's not cooked enough and throws it in the oven. As for Big Volt's soy-yuzu "concoction", Li'l Volt thinks it's way too salty, so he dilutes it with water and dumps some xanthan gum in it, because a dish just isn't really complete until you've used an ingredient beginning with the letter "X". Then he turns to the avocado mousse and starts formulating his plans to finish off what everyone else has started.

Final whistle! There are high-fives all around on the Blue Team, while the Red Team just kinda continues glaring at 80's Hooker. Scar and Reverend Moon start off with the Red Team's dish...

...I dunno, steak'n'guacamole seems kinda Chili's-esque and alsozzzzzzzz...

Moonie's first comment is "A lotta layers..." as he's trying to hack a piece of steak off the hunk and Li'l Volt mentions the miso is a little salty and the meat is a little under-seasoned so if he eats them together it'll even out. Things get uncomfortable as Moonie struggles to put together "the perfect bite". Meanwhile Scar asks Fat Kid if this dish is what he imagined when he started out, and he says he thought the beef would be seared and raw (???) but "this is not terribly far off." Mmmmyeah, I'm sure Li'l Volt is real relieved to hear that, Fatty Barfbuckle. In any case, Rev. Moon takes a moment to express how much fun it was to watch them go through this hellish process and Scar thanks them for their teamwork as they move on to the Blue Team's dish...

...hmmm, I wonder if the big shot seafood chef is gonna prefer the fish to the beef?...

Bitter Jen hilariously makes a giant identification blunder when she describes the dish as a "pan-seared trout", and after tasting it Moonie says he's pretty sure it's a sablefish or black cod. Whoopsie, Jen! Eh, but Rev. Moon isn't too concerned about that, he loves black cod because it's a very sustainable fish from Alaska.

Now that they're done tasting, Moonie says they did great overall as teams, he found the Red Team's dish both intriguing and delicious, and although the beef was "slightly rare" he thought the other components kicked in and brought it together. For the Blue Team's food, he says it had a nice finish that came from a very well-made stock (started by Bitter Jen in the beginning!) and especially liked that they used shrimp with ginger in it. So who wins?...

...Yay for Team DirtySexistStickyBitter!...

Naturally, some members of Team Li'lBigFatHooker are acting as you would expect...

...and quietly judging other team members...

Which is bullshit, because 80's Hooker isn't necessarily responsible for this loss, and in fact if anything the blame should fall on Li'l Volt since he's the one who made all final decisions. He claims that he's learned the lesson that they have to "rely on the team" and "create synergy" or they won't win. We'll see if he keeps that attitude alive going into the Elimination Challenge.

And right about now Scar reveals that it is, in fact, time for Restaurant Wars! DirtyBear's excited, because he feels like this puts them right back into their main element, and believes their team is pretty even and doesn't really have a "strong or a weak link". Over on the other side, Big Volt gets a rare interview moment to say he's excited for this, too, but he has some concerns about whether their team is strong enough "talent-wise"...

...which is bringing on an Excedrin Headacheâ'¢...

I am actually liking Big Bry even more, because that was the classiest possible way to say he's unsure of 80's Hooker's skills without being rude or nasty or petty. Also, he could be talking about Fat Kid and his glaring inconsistencies as well. Buuuut, it's prolly 80's Hooker.

Then Moonie makes my jaw drop when he says he's going to be giving up his two-level restaurant (RM Seafood) at Mandalay Bay for them to operate out of! This sounds more generous than it really is, because I found out that Rev. Moon had to close the upstairs fine-dining portion several months ago (the downstairs casual cafe-style less-expensive portion is still open). The Blue Team gets to pick whether they want to be upstairs or downstairs... oh, and Scar says this time they're not responsible for the decor of the restaurant!

WTF?!??! Half the fun of Restaurant Wars is watching chefs do awesome things like putting cloyingly-scented banana-vanilla-lemon candles in the middle of the tables and buy pornographic art for the bare-plywood walls and forget to wash and/or take the labels off the stoneware and having Madonna's fat-assed brother bitching about it all and them having to do it all over again! Ugh, we've all been robbed! Robbed, I say!...

...see how much fun I used to have circling everything that was tasteless and horrible about their restaurants?...

Oh well, these guys got off way easy. Scar reminds them that it will be all about the menu and execution of the food as well as the "total experience" including front-of-the-house and especially service. Also, whoever does front-of-house will still be responsible for coming up with a menu item. 2 members of each team will have an hour and $1500.00 to shop at Whole Paycheck Market, while the other 2 team members will have the same amount of time and cash at Restaurant Depot. Plus, Moonie says he wants them to be conscious of using sustainable seafood and he's going to judge them on that as well, and passes out little cheat-sheet cards for them to refer to when choosing their proteins.

Remember how this was a High-Stakes Quickfire? Well Scar now gives the Blue Team a choice to either take the $10,000.00 they've already won OR they can "let it ride" and if they win the Wars, they'll each get $10,000.00! Whoa, that's a pretty thorny dilemma, but after consulting for about 3 seconds the BitterDirtyStickySexist Machine decides to take their chances and let the 10 Gs roll on. Now they've got 30 minutes to plan, and the teams split off to do so. Blue Team starts by agreeing on one thing very quickly...

...and can you blame them?...

Bitter Jen says that doing dessert has come back to bite the ass of so many teams in the past that they're just not risking it. They're also trying to decide who's going to do front-of-the-house and weirdly, Sticky Wickett raises her hand claims to know "a lot about it". Sexist Pigshit kind of questions her on that, and it sounds like he'd like the be one doing it. And then I get a very bad feeling when Sticky privately tells us that she has "no problem" working the front of the house, but she'd rather be in the kitchen. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh awz2sx kpo9il hgj4hf 8riey7ur bvn6nmc1 I'm gonna break my fuckin' keyboard pounding on it like that, but if she'd prefer to be in the kitchen then why'd she volunteer for and/or agree to do the front-of-the-house??!??!??! This can only have bad repercussions.

Meanwhile, the Red Team is also starting by agreeing on one thing very quickly...

...that they want to change their name to Team Euthanasia...

Although, to be fair, Big Volt doesn't really seem to be on that bandwagon so much. I think he's more annoyed with his little shit of a brother than worried about what 80's Hooker is up to. In any case, they do actually agree that they all do some kind of American food, so Modern American Restaurant is the direction their menu is going to take. As for the dessert question, Big Volt feels he's strong enough in pastry to pull it off, and Li'l Volt actually remembers that 80's Hooker won a Quickfire with her apple crisp. 80's thinks they should switch it up a little and do an Asian pear crisp instead.

Then Li'l Volt zeroes back in on Big Volt and wants to know what kind of dessert he's planning. When Big Bry says he wants to do something similar to the choco-turd and jizz-foam he put forth in that same Quickfire as 80's Hooker, Li'l Volt tries to veto it, saying the dish didn't work at all, which may be true of the situation he was working under, but Big Volt says he's not going to use the same preparation and that he can easily do the chocolate ganache the way he intended to without it sucking (and without the horrible restrictions of a Quickfire).

To us, Big Volt says for Li'l Volt to shoot down ideas that are not his own is right in line with his cocky personality, and we cut back to Li'l Volt snottily asking if Big Bry can execute the dish without the ganache turning out grainy, and I admire Bry's restraint as he quietly says he can absolutely execute it, it's on his menu at his own restaurant, and he's totally calm...

...while imagining Li'l Volt appearing in Saw VI...

Of course, Li'l Volt has to get all passive-aggressive and yell "Don't get angry, I'm just saying that you suck compared to me that, like, we can't lose this." Big Volt assures him, "We won't." In the end, the teams decide to send the Volts, Bitter Jen and DirtyBear to Whole Paycheck, while Sexist Pigshit, Sticky Wickett, Fat Kid and 80's Hooker will go to Restaurant Depot. For once Fat Kid does the semi-cool thing and says he's putting aside his white-hot-hatred of issues with 80's Hooker so they can work together as teammates on this challenge.

Naturally, Sexist Pigshit is holding to no such behavior, and when they arrive at Restaurant Depot he attempts to slam the door on 80's Hooker before she can get out of the car. Is it wrong to wish for a painful but not life-threatening disease on someone, such as shingles or severe eczema or chronic hemorrhoids? I'm just asking, it's not like I live next door to a suspected bruja de Santería with a yard full of chickens and a bloodstained stone altar in back of her garage, jeez!

Of course, this is also a chance for some annoying product placement of Sprint mobile devices, because none of these 8 people owned cell phones, so they had to use these fabulous gadgets to communicate with each other while they shopped...

...and prove that white people still hold the top spot for embarrassingly uncool usage of hip-hop slang...

Word to your mother, homies. Anyhow, over at Restaurant Depot there's a bit of a dust up when Sexist and Sticky happen to see that Fat Kid and 80's Hooker have pulled some cases of Pellegrino to take back and use in their restaurant. 80's Hooker goes off and playfully shoves Sticky because she doesn't want them stealing their idea of having sparkling water (she mentions having the car door slammed on her by Sexist Pigshit).

Sticky Wickett, of course, gets all snide about it in her interview, "If she thinks she's gonna win this challenge because they have sparkling water? That's ridiculous!"...

...almost as ridiculous as volunteering to work front-of-the-house when your mousy ass would rather be in the kitchen...

Speaking of front-of-the-house duties, the Red Team has decided to put Fat Kid out there, so he's back at the house and busily trying on ill-fitting suitcoats and wrinkled shirts and asking fashion maven Li'l Volt if it looks good or not...

...HAWT...

I know I'd jump at the chance to eat at a restaurant hosted by Jim Belushi crossed with Artie Lange. Perhaps this explains why Li'l Volt came up with the brilliant idea of calling their restaurant "ReVolt" (ostensibly standing for Robin, Eli and the Volts, but I think moreso to cover the schlub that's going to greet their diners). 80's Hooker tentatively suggests that people might automatically associate "revolt" with the word "revolting" (she's right) but Big Volt thinks it could just as easily be associated with "revolution" and "uprising" so they go with it. Besides, no restaurant name will ever be as bad as Season Two's "Lalalina".

Meanwhile, the Blue Team has decided on "Mission" as their restaurant name, both in reference to the clean style of architecture as well as the kind of impossible crap Tom Cruise asks us to believe he can do, such as act sanely. And be heterosexual. Anyhow, Camp Omission is a little worried that they're serving three savory courses and no dessert, but Bitter Jen repeats that it always screws with everybody and loses the competition. Except last season, where I think Stefan's dessert actually won the whole thing for his team.

Back over at Camp Regurge, Li'l Volt is busy telling 80's Hooker exactly how she's going to make her dish. She seems excited that he's bringing his classical French training in to "elevate" her food, but he seems bent on just making everybody do what he says with no questions asked, like he's some kind of dictator or Kate Gosselin.

The next day they head over to Mandalay Bay and the Omission group has chosen to work out of the upstairs (and closed) fine dining part of RM Seafood, while ReGurge is taking the casual downstairs cafe. Big Volt doesn't think either kitchen gives any real advantage, and he's happy they're where they are, he thinks it works better with their concept. And it's closer to the bathrooms if anyone gets sick.

They've got three hours to work and already Li'l Volt is micromanaging everyone, especially 80's Hooker as he harangues her about getting her stuff set up to start cooking her pear crisp. She tells us she's okay with him asserting his dominance, but warns that if he just starts telling her what to do all the time she's going to dig in her heels and insist that her own voice be heard...

..."And I can make that voice extremely annoying. I've been practicing."...

Li'l Volt insists he's not discounting 80's' skills as a chef, but tells us she's "out of her league" and that "some feelings are going to get hurt... a little bit... maybe... but that's not going to be my focus.". I.e., he doesn't give a fuck. Oh well, at least she won't have Fat Kid back there glaring at her and trying to trip her whenever she makes a trip to the fridge.

Over at Omission, Sticky Wickett's doing her best to help out her teammates before she changes into a fug dress, slaps some makeup on and grins clownlike at their "customers". Here's the rather ambitious menu they've planned...

...with this many dishes perhaps a "three minute egg" would have been a smarter choice...

Bitter Jen says their menu offers "simplicity, refinement and seasonality". It also offers some major pains-in-the-ass, and she's noticing that all of them are a lot further behind than they should be at this point.

This is what Regurge has to offer their diners...

...WTF?...

I dunno what's up with the backwards "E", but I guess that kind of fits Fat Kid. It's interesting that they're doing not just one, but two desserts, even more ambitious than the Omission group! Li'l Volt believes their food is more "playful" while upstairs it's going to be a lot "safer". And now it's time for Fat Kid and Sticky Wickett to depart and get all geeked up so they can run the front-of-the-house!...

...This is easier for Fat Kid as all he has to do is yank his wadded up ball of clothes out of a sweaty gym bag...

Because it would have stupid to take an iron to that shirt beforehand. Then again, mommy's not here to do it for him, so this is what he has to work with. Over at Omission, Sticky's going over table number assignments with their staff and Daddy Tom comes in to chat about her lamb dish, he wants to know if she's going to go back into the kitchen at any time and check how it's being executed? She says actually if any of the dishes appear to be incorrect she's gonna send 'em back to the pass right away! Daddy Tom smiles like he totally doesn't believe her, and I'm inclined to agree with him, Sticky's not shown a lot of backbone throughout the course of the competition, I doubt she's gonna second guess Bitter Jen and DirtyBears' cooking now.

Back in the kitchen, Daddy observes that if DirtyBear is doing all of the entrees on his own he's likely to get really bogged down at some point later on in the evening. DirtyBear agrees, but insists he can handle it because he works the main course station at his restaurant every single night. Fair enough. As for Bitter Jen, when she quickly admits to him that she's way behind because she's trying to be superwoman and do everything he just lets her get back to what she's doing. You will note he does not bother chatting with Sexist Pigshit.

Over at ReGurge, he finds Fat Kid sitting and looking both wrinkled and greasy. I think they'd best keep the dining room lighting real low tonight. Daddy Tom reminds Fat Kid that people often go home for doing the front-of-the-house poorly, is he worried at all? Fat Kid says nopers, cuz he signed up for it, he's gonna pull it off. Then Daddy craftily asks if maybe he finds it safer out in the front, because if the service goes welll then he's off the hook? LOL, Daddy. Fat Kid says the right thing ("Well, no, because I have a dish back there, too.") and Daddy Tom moves on to the kitchen.

Finding Li'l Volt, Daddy asks if there's a clear team dictator leader, and Li'l Volt immediately lies and says they're all working together. He also doesn't pass up the chance to highlight 80's Hooker's lesser contributions by making sure to mention to Daddy Tom that she's only doing one dish while he and Big Volt are doing two each.

As time is about to run out, Omission is in serious trouble as DirtyBear says they are not ready for Restaurant Wars, Sexist Pigshit's also in trouble and Bitter Jen is swearing and dumping out fucked up food into the wastebasket! Apparently she's going to butcher her fish to order, which I gather is an extremely time-consuming process. Meanwhile, Sticky's been back in the kitchen going over instructions with the staff at kind of a leisurely pace and walks out to find their lounge is entirely full of customers, none of which she has greeted or even spoken to. So she does what a good hostess does and runs back into the kitchen to hide.

Down at ReGurge, Fat Kid actually seems to be doing a good job of running the front-of-the-house, perhaps his B.S.ing skills serve him well there. Suddenly the judges have shown up and he's right there to greet and seat them. He starts in on his spiel explaining the restaurant concept and kissing up to Reverend Moon about how they used sustainable seafod, and blah blah blahbeddy blah and eventually a hungry-ass Scar cuts him off by saying "We just need two of everything." LOL, Scar!...

...How strange that they do not seem to be overly wowed by the appearance of sparkling water on their table!...

They all take a minute to trash the stupid name "ReVolt" (Daddy Tom thinks it's absolutely terrible and Scar wonders if they really thought nobody would automatically associate the word "revolting" as it relates to food) and then Fat Kid is back with their first course...

...I'm not sure what those chuacamole ring thingies are...

...and their labeling is wrong, Big Volt didn't make the dish, the arctic char was Fat Kid's idea...

...after the crappy rubbery squid I had last week, I don't care if you call them "noodles", J-Mo no likey...

Scar says Li'l Volt's chicken dish is amazing, Moonie says he'd definitely order it on his own, and Daddy Tom asks Scar if she has any of it left, which makes her giggle since she has an empty bowl in front of her and says she's surprised he left her as much as he did. I'd say it's a win for Li'l Volt's first dish. As for Fat Kid's char, Rev. Moon says it was "a little one-dimensional" and Tiny Tewwible Toby says he agrees, "It didn't really pop."

Fat Kid had gone back into the kitchen and called for them to fire the judges' entrees, but it seems to be taking a while for them to come out, which has not escaped the notice of Tweezery Toby, and Daddy Tom says he hasn't seen anything coming out of their kitchen in a very long time. Li'l Volt tells us if they stop to take care of the judges dishes they're going to get behind on everyone else's food and that will screw things up even worse. However, it might have been a good idea to do that because by this time the judges are trying to peer into the kitchen and see what the hell they're doing that's taking so long...

...which is really pissing Scar off, because now nobody's staring at her...

Finally Fat Kid comes out with the next course, apologizing for the wait time and joking that "It's almost like it's Opening Night, heh heh..." which goes over as leadenly as you'd think it would. Anyhow, here's Big Volt's beef duo...

...drizzled with A1 and topped off with a few Werther's candies?...

...followed by Li'l Volt's fish dish...

...which looks almost exactly like a couch-and-ottoman set I once bought at IKEA that my fat ass broke within the first week...

The couch had that same green loopy pattern, too. Everyone seems to love the cod, Moonie says it was "melt in your mouth" and Tweebler Elf Toby says it picked up a nice bit of the mussel flavor, however, he says he wasn't overwhelmed by Big Volt's meat'n'potatoes dish and thought the sauces were a little bland. Daddy Tom says he liked the dish, he just wished it was a little hotter when it came out. They immediately cut to a pair of female customers complaining that theirs is stone-cold. Tssssss, ice-burn!

Back in the kitchen, 80's Hooker is attempting to plate her pear pithivivicourvoisiewhatever-they-ares and Li'l Volt is getting all up in her face about them being too big and when she tries to explain he just barges in and starts taking over from her! 80's Hooker is pissed, "Can I do it? This is my dessert... fuck you, this is my goddamned dessert!"...

...finally someone gets ghetto on Li'l Volt's cocky ass!...

Li'l Volt does back off, but spits back "Yeah, then can you cut 'em smaller?... and don't cuss at me again like that, do you understand me?" Wait, WHAT? Did he just order her not to cuss at him? Oh, it's on now! 80's Hooker starts yelling right back that she just wanted to be allowed to do her own dish, and Li'l Volt's screaming that he's helping her, which she says she doesn't need, and now he's getting super-condescending by reminding her "This is a restaurant, OK? Be professional!".

Big Volt winds up having to step in and tells Li'l Volt to go plate his other dishes, and then growls at 80's Hooker to stop yapping and finish hers as well so it can go out. He interviews that Li'l Volt didn't take kindly to being told off by her (and admits he wouldn't have liked it either) but thinks Michael should just put his damned feelings aside and get the food done so they can win the damned Restaurant Wars. Amen, big brother! Funny how Li'l Volt likes to dish it out, but he certainly has trouble taking it (especially after his big speech about how he hurt feelings weren't going to be his focus... he just didn't realize the hurt feelings would belong to him, hahahaha!)

As for 80's Hooker, she admits it was inappropriate of her to curse in the kitchen (I don't see why that is since Li'l Volt is bleeped so often I barely know what his real voice sounds like) but she wasn't going to back down on establishing ownership and control of her own dish. However, she foolishly tries to communicate this to Li'l Volt, who just isn't going to listen to her no matter what...

...it's like the culinary version of "Bring It On"!...

They go back and forth some more, and I notice that Li'l Volt's one of those people who thinks that they win a fight if they cut the other person off by repeating their domineering commands rapidly. I didn't think it was possible for me to dislike him any more than I already did, but this little hypocritical exchange has shown me that he was up to that challenge for sure!

Out in the dining room, where the Judges' table is down to "4 bottles of beer on the wall â'ª 4 bottles of beeeer â'ª..." Fat Kid finally arrives with the dessert course...

...definitely a much cleaner-looking chocoturd!...

And here's 80's Hooker's hotly contested dish...

...which actually looks tasty for a change!...

Scar asks Twiggedy-Twiggedy-Twiggedy-Twack Toby what he thinks of 80's Hooker's pithffbbbllft and he says "I thought it was easily the best thing Robin's done so far, it was really good!" and Rev. Moon says it was put together with "so much consideration" and had so many layers that it was "like a perfect massage". Huhwha? Well, I guess that's a compliment coming from him. As for Big Volt's new ganache, Moonie says it was beautiful and silky and the Little Tweeble wishes it had had more mint ice cream, while Daddy Tom just declares it delicious.

Fat Kid comes back to check on them and find out if they have any questions or comments and they just send him on his way. Scar asks how they liked him in his role at the front-of-the-house, and Moonie says he liked Fat Kid's intensity and it seemed like he was trying really hard, which Daddy agrees with, and with that they're off to head on up to Omission for their second meal.

Once Sticky Wickett seats them and hands out the menu, Daddy Tom immediately points out the absence of any desserts. Ruh-roh, after they just had two really good ones I'm skerd for the Blue Team now. Especially when Sticky brings them their first course and then immediately walks away without telling them anything about the dish! Scar notices right away, "She's gone!" Since she never stops to explain the dishes, they've left it up to me...

...and just so you know, I refuse to elaborate on Sexist Pigshit's dishes...

...I mean it...

They dig into the arctic char, which Daddy Tom says has no salt in it, and so the next time Sticky whizzes by, Scar stops her and asks for some. Sticky knows this is not a good sign, and when Sexist Pigshit hears about it he is pissed because he insists that he seasoned everything correctly! Also, they thought his asparagus dish was kind of boring and needed something. Like flavor.

Now that they've reached the fish course, things have slowed to a halt, and Sticky realizes that sticking Bitter Jen with two labor-intensive fish dishes was not a smart idea. They show Jen asking another server (not Sticky) where the Judges are at with their food and then they cut to their table...

...where they're about to start fighting over a couple of lint-encrusted breath-mints from the bottom of Scar's purse...

Meanwhile Sticky's running around apologizing to everyone, but nobody in the kitchen knows what's going on out on the floor, and DirtyBear says she seems to be really struggling, food is being brought up to the pass but it's not going out, "I don't think it's going very well for her." he says gravely.

She tries to scootch by the Judges' table again and when Scar irritably asks how much longer it's going to be for the next course Sticky lies and sweats and says "Uh, prolly about another minute. I'm gonna go back right now and check on it." When she gets to the kitchen she discovers the Judges' order hasn't even been fired yet! Sticky informs Bitter Jen that Scar is not happy about the wait, and Jen coldly spits right back with "I asked like ten times about the Judges' table to be fired." Looks like they get to wait some more.

Finally their dishes come up to the pass, and Sticky Wickett delivers them to the table... and runs off without explaining them again! Scar has to call her back to the table to ask what in the hell is on the plates...

...a depressed piece of fish...

...and it's gay brother all dressed up in drag!...

Daddy Tom says the halibut is cooked okay, but says technically it's not a consomme because it's not a clear stock like it should be. Rev. Moon agrees that it's not clear, but says "It's probably the best part of the dish." Ouch. Toby The Tewwible says it was disappointing. As for Bitter Jen's trout, Daddy calls it "an absolute disaster" and he notes that her brown butter sauce is "broken", which means it de-emulsified and now only tastes like grease. "Her mentor would not be happy with her right now." finishes Daddy. DOUBLE ouch!

As if this couldn't get any worse, now DirtyBear is having issues with the temperature in cooking Sticky's lamb dish, chops are coming back into the kitchen as being everything from 'baa'ing-too-loudly to hockey-pucks-on-a-bone and he's getting frazzled. It doesn't help that Sticky seems to have difficulty communicating what she thinks is medium-rare and medium-incinerated.

Sticky brings out the final two dishes, and before she even sets them down Scar's asking "Laurine, tell us about these two dishes, please." Ha! She wasn't going to let her get away this time!...

...and as usual, they've included a landing strip for Diarrhea Air Lines...

...this is not DirtyBear's prettiest pig production...

Moonie immediately says he doesn't like "Jell-O lamb", and Daddy observes it is quite rare. Tweeble-Twobble Toby says he'd expect a waiter to ask him how he wanted it cooked instead of assuming Ringworm-style. As for DirtyBear's pork dish, Scar definitely thinks it was better than the lamb disaster, and Daddy thinks the sausage was flavorful and the pork belly tasty. Tiny Toby says he still misses having a dessert, though. Well, I guess there's always Scar's linty-breath-mints.

We have a lovely side-moment tonight to hear Li'l Volt talk about how running a good team takes a good leader, and how he wants to demonstrate the fact that he can be that leader. "Yelling and screaming and arrogance and things like that... there's really no place for that in the kitchen." This hubris-packed speech is helpfully intercut by the lovely Magical Elves editors with the following...

...namely, Li'l Volt being a complete foul-mouthed asshat to everyone in the kitchen...

"I think people mistake confidence for arrogance." he says, completely missing the irony that in his case it's the exact opposite. He ends the segment by insisting he's "just a nice guy" who has "the biggest ego heart here." *snort*

It's no surprise that Scar asks to see the members of ReGurge first and immediately tells them they've won Restaurant Wars! Daddy Tom goes even further to say that theirs was the best restaurant they've had in six seasons! Tiny Toby says if he was reviewing ReVolt (after making fun of the stupid name and Fat Kid for being "woefully underdressed") he'd have given them three stars.

After giving the expected ego-stroking to Big and Li'l Volt and Fat Kid, Scar mentions that 80's Hooker's pear pithffbbbllft was "beautiful" and Daddy Tom says it seemed "a little more homey" than the rest of the menu and wants to know if she fought to keep it that way. 80's says she was "offered assistance" to update the presentation and then Li'l Volt jumps in to say he worked on it with her, and that he gave her the recipe for it. and yes, she made the dish, but...

...Gurrrl, no he DI-ent!...

Daddy Tom catches 80's Hooker's giant eye-roll and wants to know what that's all about. Without going into detail or directly calling Li'l Volt out on his shameless grandstanding she simply says "There's a fine line between being helped and being dominated." Li'l Volt just giggles nervously and looks down. Asshole. I hate it even more when he's announced as the actual winner of the challenge! Eh at least all he's getting in the way of a prize is a copy of Reverend Moon's book about fish.

My smug satisfaction is quickly drained away when Scar says BTW he also wins the $10,000.00 that the Blue Team gambled and lost! Fuuuuuuck! The only cool thing he does this entire episode is to ask if he can split it with the other chefs on the Red Team.

Back in the Stew Room, Sexist Pigshit's now using his 20/20 hindsight to declare he wishes he had worked front-of-the-house because he "runs big restaurants". Yeah, and that might have been a good thing to assert yesterday, fuckstain! The Red Team comes back and sends the Blue Team in to face Daddy Tom & Co, and interestingly enough, after they leave Big Volt tells Li'l Volt he can keep the $2,500.00 he offered! He tells us that while Li'l Volt deserved the win because of the execution of his dishes, Big Bry's "tired of his unprofessional behavior being rewarded." This, of course, makes Li'l Volt forget all about the fact that he just won Restaurant Wars and was told theirs was the best ever and now he's all pouty again because everybody isn't acknowledging his awesomeness and lying in worshipful prostration before him...

...yeah, it really sucks when everyone else is a tool...

As for Omission, I've already laid out in excruciating detail why they sucked so much, but the one thing that didn't come up is the fact that on Sticky Wickett's own lamb dish, she clearly served it to people bloody rare, and Daddy Tom reminds her of their earlier conversation where she claimed she was going to send stuff back if it wasn't perfect, and what happened to that plan? She admits she didn't follow through on it and allowed the anxiety get to her, and I think it's no surprise when they call the team back five minutes later and tell Sticky Wickett she's the one going home.

...color me not-shocked about these results, either...

And there we have another round of Restaurant Wars in the can! What did you think of this episode? Did DirtyBear and Bitter Jen go into this event being far too overconfident? Was Li'l Volt wrong for trying to run roughshod over 80's Hooker? Was her foul-mouthed response to him as inappropriate as he made it out to be? And can you believe that 80's Hooker has now outlasted more than half the original contestants?!? Let's share our lovesies and hatesies together!

love, J-Mo :)