Sorry Everyone On Earth, The Jonas Brothers Aren't Splitting Up

Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren't you? And now we've come along and trampled all over it.

Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you're inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.

Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they've gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they're not splitting up. Sorry.

So listen. The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up. But that's not the end of the world, is it? Because, come on, The Jonas Brothers didn't split up yesterday and you managed to get through that alright, didn't you? Or the day before. In fact, if you think about it, The Jonas Brothers haven't split up on any day since you were born. So today's news that The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up isn't such terrible news on the grand scale of things. It just feels like it's terrible news. It's like spending the 1980s in pre-Perestroika Russia. It was shitty, but at least you had the comfort of not knowing what the alternatives were.

So if The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up, then why are we making such a big fuss about them? Well, as usual, it's all the fault of that idiot Nick Jonas. It's been announced that Kevin Jonas has broken away to form his own band, entitled Nick Jonas & The Administration. Think of the new band as the Raconteurs to his White Stripes, albeit a version of The Raconteurs that only sings awful songs called things like Oh Girl You Make Me So Super Happy and Sunshine Makes My Heart Go Bippy Bop.

But it's not just Nick Jonas who's putting strain on the future of The Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas has also decided to take a brief hiatus from the group to see what this whole ‘having sex' thing is like. And that just leaves poor old Joe Jonas. He needs The Jonas Brothers to continue. He needs it. He's got two growing eyebrows to feed, for God's sake. And maybe that's why Nick and Kevin have decided to tell the world that, no matter what happens, the Jonas Brothers will always be. In a letter to fans, the band wrote:

We plan to make music together for as long as we can. We've said from the beginning of our career as the Jonas Brothers that anything we do outside of the group is a side project because you can't break up brothers… A three-chord strand is not easily broken, and one thing's for sure... this three chord strand is stronger now than it's ever been. You are truly the best fans in the world, and we love you with all our hearts.'

Stupid three-chord strands. If we see a three-chord strand today, we're going to kick it in the balls.

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