Natalie Portman: Why I Became An Enfeebled, Letil-Eating Vegan Wuss

Natalie Portman is a vegan, which is both good and bad. The good news is that you could easily lure her into bed with a plate of Chile Non Carne and a couple of Linda McCartney sausage rolls.

The bad news is that she'll never shut up about it. Natalie Portman is such a vegan, in fact, that she's written a blog on The Huffington Post about why she became a vegan. And generally it's a reasoned, well thought-out essay about a personal choice that she made long ago.

Apart from the bit where she compares all meat-eaters to rapists. Obviously.

Vegetarians and vegans have every right in the world to be angry. For starters, they eat Quorn, and you'd be angry too if every meal you ever ate tasted exactly like a week-old Pot Noodle. Secondly, the leader of the vegetarians is Paul McCartney, which has led most people to believe that if they stop eating meat they'll wind up looking like a confused old lady in a silly wig. Thirdly, they all stink of beans.

So, yes, vegetarians and vegans have every right in the world to be angry. It's just a shame that their severe protein deficiencies never allow them the energy to express their anger.

Until now. And it's all thanks to Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman is a vegan, which doesn't just mean that she follows the vegetarian model of not eating anything with a face – she also won't eat any animal products at all. So that means no eggs, no milk, no honey, no gelatin and no gigantic greasy pile of flambeed pig genitals. She's missing out, in short.

And, of course, like any other vegan Natalie Portman became a vegan for a reason. Some turn vegan because they don't support modern farming methods, or because they believe that the livestock industry is ruining the environment, or because they believe that it's generally a healthier way of living. Not Natalie Portman, though – she became a vegan because she read Jonathan Safran Foer's Eating Animals and realised that if you've ever eaten meat or an egg or some honey then you're basically as bad as awful rapist. Or something. Here's what she wrote for The Huffington Post:

[Foer] reminds us that being a man, and a human, takes more thought than just 'This is tasty, and that's why I do it.' He posits that consideration… which has more to do with being polite to your tablemates than sticking to your own ideals, would be absurd if applied to any other belief (e.g., I don't believe in rape, but if it's what it takes to please my dinner hosts, then so be it).

Gosh, and we thought we were tactless. Of all the choices she had available to her ('I don't believe in wearing funny hats,' 'I don't believe in shouting everything in an overbearing Welsh accent,' 'I don't believe in high-fives') she just had to go with rape. Nice one, Natalie.

Still, we're sure her intention – as thoughtless as it was – was well-meaning. And, despite all the knee-jerk cries from around the internet saying that you're either some sort of dreadful rape apologist or that you want to impose mandatory chemical castration for anyone who's ever been within 20 feet of a Cornish pasty, we'll still endorse you, Natalie. Specifically, we'll still go and see all your new movies and then deliberately fall asleep five minutes in when it becomes clear that you aren't going to take your top off.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

//