The Ruins: The Best Laid Plans . . . Don't Always Get You Laid

Sadly, it looks like exchanging sex for votes is failing miserably in Phuket, Thailand. And it also looks like we're going to have to listen to at least 42 minutes of the Cohutta - Kellyanne - Wus - Johanna love trapezoid. I'm over it. If any one of the four is the focus of any other episode - except the episode where they injure themselves in a challenge or where one of them beats the other with a baseball bat - I quit. And I mean it.

Left nipple. Right nipple. Oh phew. They're both here.

Kenny is relieved that he and his henchman finally get a day off so they can see the beautiful sights of Thailand. Yeah, it must be so tough to live rent-free in an amazing home with all the food you can eat and (clearly) booze you can drink where your only obligation is to swing on a rope or walk on the hot sand once a week.

Cry me a river.

So here's the haps: There are seven Champion guys left and only three Challenger guys, so every Challenger guy is up for possible elimination every time. Veronica thinks the house will be more calm since Wombat and Katie are gone but it affects her game -- because she's sort of a non-athletic, lazy slob. (Those are my words, not hers.) And Cohutta seems to think that Kellyanne was invested in their relationship as much as he was. You know there were feelings there and it's not just something you can drop. Um, yes it is. Move on, hillbilly.

Not the only crab in the immediate vicinity.

Wus seems to think that Cohutta is still obsessed with Kellyanne even though she hurt him six ways to Sunday but I have seen no evidence of said obsession. I'm going to have to pay attention. And take notes.

Ugh. Wus and Johanna are having yet another conversation about their relationship and why it didn't work and how she doesn't trust him and I don't care. Why do these conversations continue to happen? And why does either one of them give a crap about what the other thinks of them? Here's a suggestion Wus: You might want to focus your time and energy on your current, way-too-hot-for-you girlfriend because one day she's going to wake up and realize it. Like as soon as she starts watching these episodes.

And I clearly need to spend my time and energy on sunscreen.

Wus is complaining to Kellyanne that Cohutta gets a little frisky when he's drunk.

Ooh. Cohutta is way out of line.

Wus says that Cohutta doesn't know his place in this world because he forgets that he was practically never Kellyanne's boyfriend. Again, I'll take Why In the World Would Wus Give A Crap for $1000, Alex. Who cares if Cohutta overestimated his history with Kellyanne? Look at her! Listen to him! I would play the Kellyanne card every time if I was him. I don't know if it's the editing or what, but I have yet to see Cohutta do anything questionable to/about/around Wus' prized possession.

So Wus' solution is to go up against Cohutta if he gets called into the Ruins. Wus is confident that Cohutta doesn't stand a chance. Kellyanne doesn't think that's necessarily true -- which I'm sure is exactly what Wus wants to hear. Wus apologizes for the situation but promises her that Cohutta is going home no matter what.

I am so tired of the idiot crap that comes out of your mouth.

Wus tells Kellyanne that he doesn't just want to be a renegade or an assassin any more but wants to change it to "bounty hunter" and go after people solely because of the bounty on their head which is the money in their personal bank account. Of course, if that were true, Wus could go after any Challenger guy since all of them have exactly the same amount in their accounts since none of them have gone up against or defeated a Champion. I'm just saying.

Is it normal to have biceps larger than your big, red noggin?

And the kids get a clue on their T-Mobile Sidekick: Hang on tight. Tomorrow's challenge is going to be a real party. Susie is hoping that it has something to do with partying since that's something they're really good at.

Because when I think of Susie, "party" is the first word that comes to mind.

Johanna, Ibis and Susie are scheming about the next Ruins. Johanna figured out the game by announcing that if there are four girls left, then one is going to have to sit out.

I totally cracked the code! 4 - 3 = 1. Genius.

So after Jo's big breakthrough, the three of them decide that they want to make sure Veronica goes up against Kellyanne. Talk about lucky, Ibis. Somehow she locked in with these other two because personally, I think Veronica would shred her if they ever went up against each other.

And it must be Halloween in Thailand too.

So in the immortal words of Aimee Mann, Hush! Keep it down now. Voices carry. And Veronica hears the whole plan. Of course, any moderately intelligent person in Veronica's shoes would have figured this out a long time ago but intelligence isn't high on the list of Veronica's special skills. Nor is dressing appropriately. How do I say this . . . Veronica should probably steer clear of pink.

Oh, Kermie.

Veronica still thinks that Evan is in her corner and decides to talk to him about it. Susie makes sure she has a chance to overhear the entire thing and runs outside to eavesdrop. Veronica tells Evan that Susie is going to ask to sit out the next Ruins which would force Veronica into possible elimination. I'm not sure that Veronica was expecting it -- although she should have -- but Evan says that he agrees. Susie has been up for every Ruins so far, so she has the right to sit out.

Dammit! I was afraid that itch would travel south. Damn feet crabs.

Veronica reminds Evan that he said he would never vote for Susie and he reminds her that he hasn't been forced to do that yet. Veronica says it'll come down to that tomorrow. Then the light bulb goes off and Veronica figures out that Evan has been setting this up all along. Except I don't think he has -- he's just not that bright. But he loves little catch phrases - she's an old school cat with old school ways, something about dust settling and checking to see if Veronica's bite is worse than her bark.

Shut up. Please. Nice v-neck.

And we're at the next challenge and TJ earns his paycheck by explaining the rules. Again. The Challengers have no choice for the guys so Brad, Cohutta and Dumbar are all up. There are only four girls so they decide Rumer should sit out since she went into the last Ruins, so Kellyanne, Kimberly and Casey are up. On the Champions side, Jo and Ibis nominate themselves. Veronica asks Susie if she would like to sit out, Susie says yes, and Veronica pretends like she volunteered herself.

Looks like someone forgot to pack their hair dye.

Kenny announces that Wus, Evan and "myself" are going in. Here's a tip: Using the world "myself" doesn't make you sound smart. Especially, when "me" is correct.

Ooh. Tricky concept.

The challenge is Block Party. Each team has a lane. There's a fifteen foot pole with a gong at the top at one end and cement blocks at the other. The goal is to build a stairway with the blocks, climb up and ring the gong. But there's a twist. Two guys and two girls from each team -- the defenders -- are going to attach themselves to the other team's pole. The other team has to pull each defender off the pole and drag them back through the archway at the other end of the lane. Once the defenders are pulled off and dragged, the team can build their stairway. Good times.

To make if fair, since there are only three guys left on the Challengers side, only Wus, Evan and Kenny are going to compete in the challenge. TJ tells us this first and Ibis repeats it in case we're as stupid as she looks.

Ready to compete? Necklace? Check. Flower tucked behind ear? Check. Earrings? Check. Four inches of makeup? Check.

Kellyanne and Casey are the girl defenders for the Challengers side because, as Casey says, they love poles. And why hasn't she been sent home yet? The guy defenders for the Challengers are Brad and Cohutta. And since telling us is never quite enough . . .

Thanks, MTV.

So that just leaves Rumer, Kimberly and Dumbar to pull the Champion defenders off their pole. Speaking of Champion pole defenders . . .

Thanks, MTV.

So that leaves Johanna, Susie and Kenny to pull the Challenger defenders off their pole. And the challenge starts. Even though Brad is a defender, the Challengers decide that he should let go so he can help Dumbar pull Wus and Evan off the Champion pole. Kenny is struggling to pull Cohutta off the pole and TJ tells him that he can't put Cohutta in a headlock. Kenny looks up at him and says "It's not a headlock."

You might want to check your definition of headlock.

There's a lot of pulling and dragging and Casey is off the pole, followed by Cohutta and Ibis. For some reason, Susie, Ibis and Johanna are having a hell of a time dragging Kellyanne through the archway.

Perhaps poking her butt and laying on her are not the best strategies.

Kellyanne thinks it's getting pretty exciting because her clothes are coming off and she's laying around naked in the burning hot sand.

I think the possibility of another popped boob implant is pretty exciting.

Speaking of exciting, Dumbar, Brad and Cohutta are finally dragging Wus through the archway but what was that rule that TJ mentioned not a minute ago?

Something about a headlock, maybe?

Finally, Wus is across the line but they have to go back and deal with Evan. In the meantime, the girls have managed to haul Kellyanne's ass through the archway so the Champions begin building their stairway. They do it and bang their gong while everyone is still wrestling with Evan.

Evan says stupid stuff and the Champions need to decide the Ruins match-ups. Darrell, Chin Pubes, Evan, Slim Jim and Kenny decide that Wus has to go in because they're running out of chances to get him out of the game. They also decide that Kellyanne should go in but ask Ibis what she thinks about the Champion girls. Ibis says it should be Veronica as they had already planned.

Because even though I look like a menacing threat, I'm quite weak.

The guys agree that everyone is on the same page and I'm sure nothing will go wrong. They head to deliberation and Wus begins running his mouth. He assumes that someone who hasn't gone in yet is going to go in. But he assumes wrong.

But I'm injured!

Evan tells him that there's no chance of that happening but Wus is a good sport. He puts his name up on the board next to Cohutta and says he's going for the easy win -- not because of the money (despite his earlier bounty hunter conversation) but because Cohutta is annoying. Evan spews some bullshit about letting Wus have his pick because Wus stepped up during the challenge. How kind and generous of you, Evan. How about you step up it up and prove yourself in a Ruins or two?

Nice physique. Evan has more slope than Whistler.

Now for the fun - let's talk about the girls. Evan points out that everyone wants Veronica to go against Kellyanne because Kellyanne is strong and Veronica can take her out. Johanna says that she promised Ibis that she wouldn't vote her in so she has to go with Veronica and, in return, Ibis won't vote for Johanna.

Wus argues that Veronica shouldn't go against Kellyanne because Kellyanne could take her out and they should make sure the strongest players stay around. Johanna says that Wus is just looking out for his girlfriend. Veronica agrees with Wus and thinks their weakest link -- Ibis -- should be the one to go in. Unfortunately, they can't make a decision before TJ rears his scruffy head and he goes around the room taking a vote.

Seriously, people. Please don't make me learn extra lines. I've got better things to do.

Johanna votes for Veronica against Kellyanne as do Kenny and Ibis. Veronica votes for herself against Kimberly as does Wus. At first, I thought it was weird that Veronica voted for herself but I realized that if she didn't, the "Veronica vs Kellyanne" votes would carry so it may have been a smart move. Of course, I don't think Veronica is capable of that kind of thought but I wanted to mention it.

Evan says that he promised Ibis he wouldn't vote for her (forgetting all about the Cooter Exchange he and Veronica agreed on a couple of weeks ago) so he votes for Veronica but lets her choose her opponent which results in a tie - three for Veronica vs Kellyanne and three for Veronica vs Kimberly. So because there's a deadlock, MTV makes up a new rule and TJ says the rest of the Champions will come in and each have a vote. Now, it gets interesting.

So the rest of the Champions show up and TJ goes around the room for the vote. No discussion, no deliberation, just a vote. Slim Jim is pissed because these idiots had it all mapped out and couldn't pull the trigger.

Are ears supposed to have that crazy bend?

Syrus is up first and -- as far as I can tell -- wasn't involved in any discussions so he votes for Ibis and Kimberly. He's also old so we forgive him. Chin Pubes decides to go with the flow and does the same. Susie tries to bring it all back and votes for Veronica and Kellyanne as everyone originally planned. Darrell, despite being in the room when the whole 'vote in Veronica against Kellyanne' conversation went down, votes for Ibis and Kimberly. Slim Jim -- who most definitely knew that the plan was for Veronica and Kellyanne and just finished calling everyone idiots for not pulling the trigger and making that happen -- votes for Ibis and Kimberly.

Because that was the plan, right?

Johanna, Evan, Kenny and Ibis vote for Veronica and Kellyanne while Wus votes for Ibis and Kimberly. That leaves the deciding vote to Veronica and lo and behold! Ibis is up against Kimberly by a vote of six to five.

I'm not sure but Veronica may be pleased with the result.

Wus tells Cohutta that they're going up against each other and tells the Challengers what went down in deliberations. Speaking of pleased, he couldn't be more excited that the master plan fell apart.

Back in the Champions' room, Slim Jim is trying to apologize to Ibis but she won't have it. Slim Jim can't understand why he's the bad guy since he just voted with everyone else. He's only a little right. Slim Jim, Chin Pubes and Darrell were the only ones who knew the vote was supposed to be for Veronica and Kellyanne but didn't vote that way. However, the general rule (see Veronica and Evan for the exception) is that if you make out with someone, you probably shouldn't vote them in especially if the very specific plan was not to do that. Slim promises to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the challenge.

Thank! You!

Ibis is also pretty pissed at Chin Pubes because they were on the same season of Road Rules and she thought he had her back. Chin Pubes said he voted for Ibis because Veronica was doing better. Ibis somehow thinks she's going to go in and kick major ass and fix everything when she gets back. Good luck with that.

Ready to compete? Pink headband? Check. Flower tucked behind ear? Check. Pearl earrings? Check. Four inches of makeup? Check.

Once again, Kellyanne and Johanna are talking about Wus. Johanna says that they broke up a long time ago and that Wus and Kellyanne need to stop talking about her. Interesting, but every time there's a conversation involving Kellyanne or Wus, Johanna isn't too far behind. Kellyanne takes the whole thing back to Wus and he continues to complain about what a terrible friend Johanna is. She's your ex-girlfriend! She's not supposed to be your friend! Get over it.

And MTV, please stop showing this.

He's so mad at Johanna that it makes him sick but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her a little bit. Um, what? Please stop talking. Now. And just so Wus and Jo aren't the only ex-couple getting a chance to talk about themselves, Kellyanne visits Cohutta and says she'll be sad whoever wins the challenge.

And we're at the Ruins. The game is Spool and the object is unwrap a rope as fast as possible. Each player is attached to a rope that is wound through a series of bamboo poles. They have to go over, around and under the poles unwinding their rope as they go and the first person to get completely unwound and ring their gong, wins.

Wus and Cohutta are up first. Wus has a few ideas and even though this Ruins isn't "conducive to his strengths" and even though that is a very incorrect usage of the word, it doesn't mean he won't be good at it. Cohutta thinks that they're on pretty level playing field and he's not scared.

Even though Kellyanne is going to be sad no matter what the outcome (ha!) she's on the side cheering for Wus. That would be her boyfriend. Not her teammate. Not only that, but she's clearly peeved that Rumer is cheering for Cohutta. Their teammate. Just saying.

Come on baby! Mama needs a new boob job.

They're under, they're over, they're around, there's rope here, there's rope there and Wus gets all tangled leaving Cohutta to waltz across the finish line, sending Wus' red butt home. A more fitting ending could not have been better planned, scripted and edited by MTV.

I think you're doing it wrong.

I don't know who's more excited about the win - the Challengers or the Champions. Wus tells us he lost and that's the first time he's ever uttered those words. But I'm sure it's not the last because we'll hear them again as soon as Kellyanne dumps his ass. Wus gives a nice little going away speech, declares his love for the rest of the team and says he would take anyone of them back if they asked. I'm pretty sure no one will.

Ibis and Kimberly are up. The competition is pretty dull -- the girls are climbing around and pulling rope and Kimberly looks like she's out ahead from the start. Ibis makes a mess of her rope and Kim bangs the gong. How nice for the Challengers to win.

Back in the house, Susie and Kimberly are harassing Johanna about her feelings for Wus. Jo is confused and -- have I mentioned that I don't care? -- sometimes hates Wus and sometimes wonders how she can hate him when she cared so much for him for so long. Kellyanne gets bent because Johanna didn't clap for Wus. Jo tells Kellyanne to leave her alone already . . . Holy crap! Why are these two even talking? I pray that this stuff stops now that Wus is out of the house. Oh, please let it stop.

Now that Wus is gone, some of these Champion men are going to have put their money where their big, Canadian mouth is and start proving themselves in the Ruins. And it also looks like Slim Jim is going to be playing the role of Wombat AND Katie in next week's episode so I have high hopes for a very good Wednesday.

Until next week,
TinyElvis.