Rihanna Describes What A Turd Chris Brown Is

Rihanna's ready to move on with her life and release that cheery ditty about shooting herself in the chest.

But she can't. There's unfinished business left. Before people can accept her as a singer again, they want Rihanna to answer a few questions about Chris Brown. Sadly, though, those question aren't ‘What's up with his teeth?' or ‘Doesn't he realise that he looks like a dickhead in that bowtie?' – they're more about domestic violence.

And Rihanna says it could happen to anyone. Well, anyone who ever goes near Chris Brown because he's such a monumental titstick, at least. We think that was her point.

It's now been nine months since Chris Brown punched, bit and choked Rihanna in a fit of violent anger on the way to the Grammys, and so far Rihanna has managed to keep a dignified silence about it all. She may have hinted at her ordeal in her depressing new single, but she hasn't used the incident to carve out a sideline in confused televised appearances like Chris Brown has. And she definitely hasn't started posted lovelorn YouTube montages of them both together on Twitter like Chris Brown has. So it's fair to say that she's got the upper hand.

But Rihanna's side of the story had to come out at some point. But, rather than choose to make a What's Love Got To Do With It-style biopic about what a gigantic twathandle Chris Brown is – which, admit it, is what you would have done – she's chosen to do a little interview with Diane Sawyer instead. And it's fair to say that the interview is epic in its scale and breadth and unfathomable emotional complexity. Here it is, in its entirety:

'This happened to me. ... It can happen to anyone… He was definitely my first big love.'

Oh, alright – that's the only part of the interview that anyone's been allowed to see. The rest is set to be broadcast on Thursday and Friday. And until then, Rihanna's 16-word excerpt will remain infuriatingly context-free. We're hoping that by saying 'It can happen to anyone,' Rihanna was just generally drawing attention to the widespread problem of violence against women rather than specifically referring to the details of her own incident.

Because, you know, the chances of us accidentally catching a glimpse of one of Chris Brown's text messages in a rented Lamborghini on the way to the world's biggest music awards show where we were due to perform a duet together – causing him to subsequently lose his temper and choke us unconscious – is probably quite low if we're being honest.

But we get the drift. And we really have to salute her bravery for doing the interview in the first place. After all, no matter the circumstances or emotional wounds, no woman should ever feel afraid to come forward and openly reveal what a towering goonstack Chris Brown actually is. Well done, Rihanna.

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