'30 Rock' does not translate into German

Critical acclaim and piles of Emmys aside, "30 Rock" has never been a big hit in the United States. But compared to the show's recent debut in Germany, its performance on NBC is "Seinfeld" finale massive.

The show's premiere on German TV -- specifically the digital channel ZDFNeo -- on Sunday drew a 0.0 rating. As in, nada, zilch, null. That means, according to The Hollywood Reporter, that fewer than 5,000 people tuned in.

In a word, Woof. If there's any consolation to be had, it's in the fact that ZDFNeo also got a zero rating for a British comedy called "Taking the Flak," and only about 30,000 people tuned in for a showing of the Kiefer Sutherland-Michael Douglas flick "The Sentinel." The HR describes ZDFNeo as a "digital niche channel" that just relaunched with an eye toward younger viewers, but that is one small niche.

There is almost literally nowhere to go but up for "30 Rock" in Germany -- except off the air, I guess. But in the spirit of optimism, we offer a couple of suggestions to help the show improve its lot in Germany.

First, for any German viewer who might stumble on this: We're assuming that the first episode ZDFNeo showed was the pilot, which was not especially good. Rest assured, the show gets a lot better from there.

And for the "30 Rock" producers and ZDFNeo: More Hasselhoff. It is well-established that Germans love David Hasselhoff. We are uncertain of their feelings for Alec Baldwin, so may we suggest digitally placing the Hoff's head on Baldwin's body and having him "play" NBC executive Jack Donaghy? Or perhaps changing the theme song to this?

I would also suggest dubbing in some variations on the East German jokes proffered by Wikipedia, but frankly none of them translate very well. Which, come to think of it, might be the issue with a New York-centered showbiz satire that mines a lot of its humor from semi-obscure nuggets of American pop culture. Plus, I doubt there's an exact German translation for "werewolf bar mitzvah" or "I want to go to there."

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