Dancing With The Stars Loses Irvin and Dacascos. Oh Well.

Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

We’ll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we’ll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are… no, wait, it’s gone. We’ll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one’s an American footballer and the other’s the Iron Chef guy.

Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy – whose names we have already forgotten – were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That’s basically the gist, more or less.

OK, hands up – when we announced the participants in this season of Dancing With The Stars, who honestly thought that Kelly Osbourne or Aaron Carter would make the final five? That’s right – none of you. And who could blame you? After all, logic dictates that Kelly Osbourne should have clumsily tripped over and snapped one of her femurs off in the middle of an Argentine Tango by now. And, honestly, the thought of people actually paying to endorse Aaron Carter in any pursuit whatsoever genuinely makes us hate the world a little bit.

But there they are. This year’s batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants has been whittled down to five, and both Kelly Osbourne and Aaron Carter are there. From this, we can only draw one conclusion – that everyone else on this season of Dancing With The Stars has been completely bloody awful. That’s right, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, we’re looking at you.

Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos became the latest contestants to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night – Dacascos left because he lost a tense dance-off with Carter, and Irvin left because he’s so overwhelmingly atrocious at dancing that even the sight of him in his stupid spangly vest tops made most normal people instantly develop an irrational fear of dance. Anyway, AP reports:

Irwin finished his run on the hit ABC show with his highest score of the season. “Last night was a great night, and to see the audience here standing up, it’s their way of saying they appreciate the hard work,” Irwin said after learning his fate… Dacascos said being on the show was “one of the greatest experiences of my life.”

So with Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos no longer in action, that just leaves Kelly Osbourne, Aaron Carter, Mya, Donny Osmond and Joanna Krupa in the running to win Dancing With The Stars. Only one can win. Only one will be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion.

Actually, that’s a lot of rubbish. The winner might be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion, but only for about five minutes. After that the show will cobble together another bunch of contestants – who will be very slightly less famous than this lot – for next spring and everyone from this season will be completely forgotten about. Even so, it can’t be Aaron Carter, can it? Can it?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter