Mike Bloomberg Wins! [Winners]

Brilliant executive, richest man in town, and beloved mayor-for-life Mike Bloomberg joins Ed Koch, Fiorello LaGuardia, and Robert Wagner (not the actor) in the third-termers massive failure lame duck mayor club!

Thanks to his brilliant campaign maneuvering, Bloomberg earned a landslide just-over-50% victory over Bill Thompson, a local man who is notable for not being Mike Bloomberg.

It was a slimy, scorched earth campaign. Bloomberg didn't campaign for a third term of Mike Bloomberg, he campaigned on the utter pointlessness of bothering to show up to vote for anyone else. Bloomberg won 50,342 more votes than Bill Thompson. Again, we remind you, because no one else bothers to: every night, 40,000 people sleep in New York city homeless shelters. (At the peak of the '80s homelessness crisis, that number was 29,000. It was around 30,000 when Bloomberg began his first term. Thousands more sleep on the streets.)

All the papers have done the math, pointing out that Bloomberg spent $151.27 on each vote. That's not really accurate. He spent that $100 million convincing people not to vote. And it worked.

To sum up our feelings this morning: fuck the New York Democratic Party, fuck Christine Quinn, fuck Barack Obama, fuck Valerie Jarrett, fuck Anthony Weiner, hard, and, in closing, fuck Howard Wolfson and his fucking Cosby sweaters and his fucking boring taste in fucking terrible indie music. (And fuck Jimmy Fallon.)