Brad Pitt Grows A Manky Beard, Which Is Definitely News

This news is so important that you might need to spend the rest of the day pondering its gigantic consequences.

You see, Brad Pitt has grown a beard. Shocking, we know. But brace yourself, because that’s not quite it. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a slightly ratty beard. It’s so ratty that he’s actually braided it.

Remember this day. In years to come younger generations will ask you where you where when you realised that Brad Pitt had deliberately grown a bit of a manky beard. And now you can look them in the eye and say “I was reading the internet in my pants, son. I was reading the internet in my pants.”

Have you heard? Beards are in again! We know this because David Beckham has grown a beard, and everything he does is always in. That’s why being a bit thick, having a funny voice, marrying a bony idiot and giving your children such ridiculous names that they’ll grow up to hate you forever are also in this season.

But hooray! The beard is back! Chronic facial itching is back! Carrying scraps of food around on your face for days is back! Looking like a homeless old pensioner who no girl would ever even dream of kissing is back! Realising that being clean shaven is back and spending 90 minutes cluelessly hacking away at clumps of your beard with a patently ill-equipped razor until you’re left puffy-face, stubbly and covered in blood is back! And just to push this hot new trend along even further is Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt’s grown a beard! People reports:

Pitt, 45, was spotted in in Japan still wearing the metallic beads that adorned his billy-goat beard on Halloween night… leaving observers a little confused as to whether the beads were part of Pitt’s holiday outfit, a permanent fashion statement, or a remnant from a previous costume idea - perhaps a bit of Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean?

Now we don’t have the image rights to show you what Brad Pitt’s new beard looks like, so we’ll have to tell you instead. Brad Pitt’s new beard looks like…

* Gary Glitter’s old beard.

* The spirit of people who go to Glastonbury every year but refuse to see any of the bands.

* The remnants of a catastrophic goat fire.

* What you see when you hold a mirror between your legs and look down at the bit between your balls and your bumhole.

* The world’s most upsetting vagina.

* The deliberate actions of a man in the middle of a full-blown mid-life crisis.

* Clagnuts.

We don’t know about you, but now he’s brought back the nasty beard, we’re looking forward to seeing which trend Brad Pitt throws himself behind next. Let’s all cross our fingers and pray that it’s the trend of fulfilling your early promise as an actor.

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