Rihanna: I Was Blinded By Love (And Presumably Eye-Punching)

The first half of Rihanna's tell-all Chris Brown interview has finally aired, and what a shock it was.

The things Rihanna said! Apparently being beaten to within an inch of your life by the man you love isn't very nice. Who knew? But that's not all – Rihanna says that she's embarrassed about falling in love with Chris Brown. No kidding! Look at him – the bowtie, the odd-shaped head, the ill-advised facial hair, the teeth that look like someone has fired shards of crockery at a watermelon through a ship's cannon. We'd be embarrassed too!

Oh, Rihanna was talking about the violence thing. We suppose we can see that too.

Finally. This is what the entire week has been building up to – a distressing journey into the anguished heart of a young woman whose life has been torn apart by domestic violence. We don't know about you, but a weekend's not really a weekend unless it starts with something this legitimately harrowing.

We've been teased and tempted by this Rihanna interview all week – first came an infuriatingly brief clip, and then Rihanna told a magazine how the incident had shaped her musically – but yesterday we got what we'd all been waiting for. That's right, Rihanna upsettingly sharing the very worst moment of her entire life with a blonde sycophant, part one.

Rihanna's interview with Diane Sawyer mostly revolved around the moment when, after the attack, Rihanna briefly decided to stay with Chris Brown. Here's what she said:

'That's embarrassing that that's the type of person I fell in love with. So far in love, so unconditional that I went back… When I realised that my selfish decision for love could result into some young girl getting killed, I could not be easy with that part. Even if Chris never hit me again, who's to say their boyfriend won't?'

The full interview is set to be broadcast tonight, and it looks set to be a must-see for anyone who enjoys voluntarily subjecting themselves to unrelenting torrents of soul-destroying misery on purpose. Although the interview does clash with the new Jay Leno show, so that might split the ‘unrelenting torrents of soul-destroying misery' demographic a little.

Anyway, in a move that's exactly as classy as everyone has grown to expect, Chris Brown has also decided to record a television interview that'll be broadcast tonight on MTV. Why? Here are the options…

1) Chris Brown realises that he's going to come out of Rihanna's interview looking like the villiain, and wants to do some damage limitation.

2) Chris Brown hates it when anyone else gets more attention than him, even if it's only because he tried to choke them unconscious a few months ago.

3) Chris Brown plans to hold the entire world to ransom, threatening to bite everyone on the ear and bang their head against his car window unless his evil demands are met.

4) Chris Brown wants to set the record for the longest sustained 'Beleeeeeeeeeey dat!' in history.

Which will it be? If only we could bring ourselves to care.

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