Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Literally No Takers Whatsoever

The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what's hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?

Nothing, that's what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like 'It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!' and 'Sink the pink, don't down the brown!' to herself – doesn't half give us the ruddy horn.

But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.

The world of sex tapes is a funny one, isn't it? Over the last few years, people have virtually broken their necks to see Gene Simmons stick it in a disinterested model and that twit from Creed lark about in the nude with Kid Rock and Screech from Saved By The Bell smearing poo across a woman's face – three things guaranteed to leave you shivering, nauseous and feeling more alone than you have ever felt in your entire life.

And then there's the now infamous Carrie Prejean sex tape. You'll remember yesterday that Carrie Prejean – she of loudly outspoken anti-gay activism fame – was forced to drop her lawsuit against the organisers of the Miss California pageant when it emerged that she'd allegedly made a naughty video of her playing with herself. Now, let's take the various components of the Carrie Prejean sex tape separately. We have:

1 - A girl…

2 - …Who is partly famous for her physical attractiveness…

3 - …That many people would love to see star in a humiliating video that compromises her Christian values and exposes her as a hypocrite…

4 - …With her hand rammed so far up her clodge that you can almost see her fingers poking out the top of her throat when she opens her mouth.

Who wouldn't want to see that? That's right – nobody. It sounds perfect. The whole world should be lining up to watch the Carrie Prejean sex tape, either because it wants to mock the flimsiness of her moral foundations or because it wants to masturbate quite a lot. But no. According to reports, nobody even wants to go near the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Celebuzz reports:

It appears that the tape has been circling around for several months, and was being offered as an exclusive to various websites for the relatively low price of $10,000. However, sites like TMZ and TheDirty.Com didn't even want anything to do with it! Dirty founder Nik Richie told E! News, 'It was very graphic and our lawyers wouldn't let us put it on the site.'

Too racy? Wow, the Carrie Prejean sex tape must be incredibly racy, given that other sex tapes featuring full penetration have surfaced without a hitch in the past. Maybe that's not the only reason, though. Maybe the sites are scared of the legal consequences of posting it. Or maybe they don't want to give Carrie Prejean any more attention than she's currently got. Or maybe Carrie Prejean develops an off-puttingly male voice when she becomes aroused. Yes, that's probably it.

So the chances of you getting to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape are fading by the day. But if you enjoy watching irritating bigots sexually demean themselves, help is at hand – we heard that Jim Davidson will show you his penis if you offer to buy him a nice bowl of soup.

We made that last bit up. Nobody would pay good soup to see that.

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