90210: It's [You &] Me Against The Music...Are You Ready?

This week on 90210, Mones resents having to watch this show instead of the series premiere of V. In other news, her cable reception was acting up and many scenes have no audio, are blacked out, fuzzy, or all three. FUN!

This probably would have been more interesting.

We open on a cheap imitation, English language Fellini film. No wait, it's a Jazz-Hands Joint. Annie's crying. It's black and white. It's all really tragic.

Way existential.

The scene pauses and we're in the AV room at West Bev. Jazz-Hands fawns over his lady love/muse. He sees something in her eyes. Eye boogers? No, something full of pain, something real. Crusty eye boogers? She jokes that's it's her contacts bothering her. He warns her that she shouldn't joke about her "talent", unless she thinks his movie and he himself are a joke...he will not be ignored, Annie! They continue to blow smoke up each other's asses and then kiss. Blach! They need to knock that shit off.

Motherfucking Rumer Willis and the rest of the Blaze staff interrupt the physical expression of teenage love. Navid apologizes and tells them they can finish up what their doing. Jazz-Hands doesn't want to get in the way of "Woodward & Bernstein". Is Rumer Woodward and Navid Bernstein?

Actually, I think Rumer is more Rachel Maddow. (Spoiler)

Navid gets down to business. He wants to run a story on prescription drug abuse among teenagers. Yawn. Isn't there a football game shooting going on somewhere in LA? Rumer's all for it but she thinks that Navid shouldn't have let his best source walk out the door. What's this you say? Apparently, her soccer player turned cracked-out friend gets her drugs from Jazz-Hands.

New power click, Liam, Simi and Straw-Hat, who must have gotten some notes on her diction, shove their burgeoning friendship in people's faces as they talk surfing, trash talk and joke with each other. Liam and Straw-Hat share a moment when Straw-Hat pours salt in Liam's drink. It's all fun and games until someone gets heart disease.

"Ooh, ooh, eeh, eeh."

Navid, as he is wont to do, spoils the fun by coming up to them. He must be near-sighted cause he doesn't notice Liam sitting there until he's at the table. Awkwardness ensues. Liam leaves. Straw-Hat mentions that it was less awkward than their last encounter. Shut up, Straw-Hat. You just got here, OK?

Navid cries some more about having his heart broken. You know what's broken? That record of yours. Liam thinks it's best to be single. Girls in the world ain't nothing but trouble. Straw-Hat resembles resents that remark. No need to worry, Straw-Hat. Liam doesn't think you're a girl anyways.

Probably feel pretty stupid for trying to beat him at surfing last week, aren't you?

Toothy's. Dixon arrives just in time; Toothy made chicken a la crazy bitch. She also rented a movie so they can't eat then watch, watch while eating, anything that makes it seem like they're a couple and not broken up, I guess. Dixon just kinda stands there with his mouth agape...like in every other scene. Dixon wants to talk. Toothy wants to talk without moving her mouth. Why the hell does she do that? More importantly, why is she on TV and I'm not?

Anyways, Dixon's wants to talk about the pregnancy and she suspiciously doesn't. He thinks they need to talk before time runs out. Time? Like say three months? Toothy's offended that he wants her to get an abortion. He wants to keep it real. (Yeah, now he does.) He's only a junior in high school and she's a grown ass woman. He mentions something about her having a career. Really, Dixon, now's not the time to joke around. She's keeping the baby. Her roommate will love that. Where is her roommate?

Seriously, holmes. Maxillofacial pathology. Look it up.

West Bev. Navid films a plate of sushi for what I'm guessing is a piece on school lunches. He gets distracted by the sound of guitar strumming in the distance. He walks towards it and it's...Borianna serenading him. My laughter drowns out some of the lyrics, but basically she's begging him to forgive her and take her back. Navid doesn't laugh at her but stares at her earnestly, which is even more comical. He calls her out on her bullshit and tells her to suck it. The countdown to relapse begins...

"Joe liiiiiiiies...when he cries..."

Matthews' Apartment. Jen walks in rambling on and on about her stupid, ugly shoes and fails to notice Matthews' date, the bartender from last episode. A couple snide comments, an evil look and Jen leaves.

Casa Wilson. Dixon arrives home and lies to Becky and Harry about surf practice running late. Harry doesn't think that has anything to do with the price of rice in China since the coach told him Dixon got kicked off. Dixon's cell starts blowing up with texts from Toothy. Harry and Becky want an answer. More texts, more yelling. He finally blurts out that he got a girl pregnant.

Credits. You interested yet? Yeah, me neither.

Back from commercials, Dixon, Becky and Harry all sit at the kitchen table in silence. When Dixon tries to speak, Becky shuts him down. She's shocked that he's been sneaking around as some cougar-in-training's cub. She also doesn't think he understands the severity of the situation. Becky, he's a mouth breather. I doubt he understands much. This becomes especially apparent when he says that his life won't change because of it and that he used a condom almost every time. Becky looks like she's going to crawl across table and choke him. He gets a text from Toothy about having cramps.

Toothy's. Becky and Dixon pay Toothy a visit. And whatta ya know, she's feeling all better. Becky tells her to rest and asks for the name of Toothy's doctor. Toothy doesn't think it's necessary to call the doctor...and the wheels in Becky's head start turning.

I'm sorry but do people actually dress like this? I mean, other than anime characters or Japanese school girls.

She asks how far along Toothy is. A month. And she's been to the doctor? Totally, everything's fine. And she's planning to keep the baby? Here's where Toothy gets all defensive. She tells Becky that it's none of her business and basically kicks her out. This is where I would point out that Dixon is a minor and Toothy fucking him is her business; business that the local authorities may find interesting. Something in the way Becky tells Toothy to take care of herself tells me that she's not going to just take it.

It's been broughten. Yes it has.

Matthews' Class. Matthews tells Liam he got an honorable mention in the essay writing contest he entered a couple episodes back. Liam tears up, gives Matthews a big hug and thanks him for being the world's greatest teacher. Or he just plays it off like he's too cool to care. Don't know. Stupid cable.

Outside, Straw-Hat plays hacky-sack. Simi walks up and makes fun of her skills and she responds by saying something about hackying his nut sack. Can you say nut sack on primetime TV now? Anyways, her mom hooked them up for some totally killer Hollywood party. Simi's stoked since I guess his dad doesn't hook him up. Unfortch, it's not Liam's thing. So Straw-Hat's gonna have to find another way to charm him. Perhaps playing hacky-sack with his nut sack?

Who's this loser on the right? Quit trying to introduce new characters to make up for the shitty ones you've given us, show!

Annie kisses Jazz-Hands goodbye. Why my cable didn't decide to black that out I'll never know. As Jazz drives off, Navid strolls up to Annie. He blurts out that Jazz-Hands is a drug dealer. He knows someone who knows someone who gets her drugs from him. Annie feigns anger and disbelief until she gets in her car and makes a face like she's adding 13,325,491 and 4,808,356.

Or maybe she just remembered she forgot to turn off the iron...

Lush Lounge. Jen stops by to check out the competition or as she puts it check out the scene. She tells Ramona (Matthew's date) that she hardly recognized her since she looks much older up close. Yowch. Jen wonders if she's an aspiring actress or model. She's neither. Jen thinks Matthews is such a softy taking on a charity case like Ramona.

You know, I'm all for bitchy cunt faces, but Jen isn't interesting enough for that. CW, please get her off my TV.

UGH.

Borianna's. Silver and Naomi stop by to check on her. Borianna lies comatose in bed. She thinks she's a terrible person and ruined the best thing that happened to her. She tells the girls about the serenade. They, surprisingly, don't laugh in her face but do suggest she go to a meeting. Borianna just wants the pain to stop. Hmm, I wonder how she could ease her pain, kill it, if you will. Something like a pain...killer. Where could she find such a thing?

Casa Wilson. After a good night's sleep and shower, Becky remembers meeting Toothy at the nail place and showing her a picture of Dixon. She correctly assumes they were already dating at that point. She thinks Toothy is weird and is lying about the pregnancy, call it women's intuition. (Episode title alert!) I call it being perceptive and not an idiot. Same thing? Discuss. Harry condescendingly tells her to stop even though he agrees that it doesn't make sense. She was right about Kelly, jackass. Maybe you should start listening to your wife.

West Bev. Silver and Naomi talk to Navid about Borianna. They think she's going to start using again and want him to get her to go to a meeting. No es Navid's problema. They pull the "you still care for her" card. The card that the girl in every relationship can't resist.

Beach Club. Matthews finds Jen and wants to know what she said to Ramona. Ramona? Oh right, the old looking charity case. Matthews wonders what the hell is wrong with Jen. Too easy. Jen has nothing against Ramona, she looks like she has a nice personality. Shout out? Matthews accuses her of being jealous. Nu-uh. Yeah-huh. If Jen sees other people, so will Matthews.

These are wretched, wretched characters. Also, these people have no chemistry and neither one is attractive. Uninteresting comes to mind again, as well.

Pink's Overrated Hot Dogs. In line, Jazz-Hands spews out a bunch of film terms he learned from reading Independent Filmmaking for Dummies. The point is, he's going up to the Hollywood sign to shoot some extra stuff. Annie's too distracted by what Navid told her and even more so by the big wad of cash Jazz pulls out. She asks where it came from. She responds to his smart-ass answers by bluntly asking if he's a drug-dealer. She also tells him that Navid told her. There goes the paint job on the Lamborghini.

As expected, Jazz-Hands freaks. He thought she was different. He thought it was him and her against the music world. Especially since he never doubted her integrity when everyone else was calling her a slut. So he dumps her, bangs his hand on the hood of his car and drives off. The real tragedy is that he throws the hot dogs on the ground. They may be overrated, but a hot dog is a hot dog.

Poor hot dogs. Never stood a chance.

Liam's. Straw-Hat and Simi burst in to that garage type place he keeps that thing covered by a white sheet in. You know what I'm talking about. He's working on a big, long piece of wood. Actual wood, you pervs. This secret project better have a huge payout and not be some stupid Seth Cohen type boat thing.

Maybe it's The Ark 2.0?

Anyway, Straw-Hat and Simi are there to take him to the party. Liam comments on the fact that Straw-Hat is wearing a dress and perfume. Please. She's wearing a tube dress looking thing and didn't even fix her raggedy hair.

WHY?!

Hollywood Party. Jen saunters up to her good friend Pharrell Williams who as of Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 8:34pm is dead to me. She introduces Matthews (as her boyfriend) and then Pharrell introduces him to the rest of the Neptune(s) and some chick named Rhea. They leave to "set up". Since Jen introduced Matthews to her "friends", he introduces her to his, Liam. Predictably, Jen lies, or rather she says they met once at a party but nothing more, and Liam leaves. I bet someone's regretting deleting a certain recording.

Borianna's. Borianna, still comatose, gets a visit from Navid. She apologizes...again. He tells her of Silver and Naomi's concerns and tells her she should go to a meeting. Will he go with her? Hell to nah! She crumbles like a piece of blue cheese. Pathetic much, Borianna?

Hollywood Party. Liam stops in the middle of telling Simi and Straw-Hat a (boring) story when he spots Naomi and...that blonde guy. What's his name? Justin? Jason? Jamie! He goes over to the bar to get some drinks. Straw-Hat asks Simi what the dealio is with them. Had she not started at West Bev the day she joined the surf team, she would know the convoluted details of their tiresome union. Simi suggests she help him forget. You know you totally like him Straw-Hat! Then he busts out a piece of paper to play MASH. She's gonna marry Liam, drive a BMW and but she's gonna live in a shack and be a garbage woman.



At the bar, Jen rolls up to get on Liam's last remaining nerves. They're going to run into each other time and again so she thinks they should be civil to each other. Liam sees through her and thinks she's scared of him. Why else would she be talking to him?

So the pattern is do or say something to Jen, she fucks with you tenfold. I figured it out, why can't Liam?

Coffee Shop. Becky sees Toothy at a table. Coincidence? I think not. Especially since Becky comes out a fightin' bitch. She tells Toothy that she later remembered meeting her at the nail salon. What a small world they live in that she would randomly run into her like that.

What's with the stupid necklaces?! Did the costume designer bring her 3 year old to Bring Your Daughter To Work Day?

Toothy confesses remembering her and following her to find out what Dixon was hiding. She claims to have been devastated and takes a sip of coffee. Becky advises her not to drink coffee. There's so many things, like coffee, that are off limits now, maybe she should get a list from her doctor. Who's her doctor again? Toothy would rather Becky not get involved. Becky pauses, but cheerfully agrees. Oh, she's good.

Then Becky goes in for the kill and asks about the sonogram. It's funny how Toothy was able to hear to heartbeat when that's not audible until week 6. In other words, the jig is up.

"You just got served, bitch!"

Hollywood Sign. Jazz-Hands finds a raccoon-eyed Annie. She's there to apologize and tell him she believes in him. They hug and he creepily warns tells her to never doubt him again.

Hollywood Party. Silver and Naomi show their concern by partying without their severely depressed friend who just so happens to text Silver. Borianna's on her way to the party and Silver's on her way to check out the music.

Inside, Pharrell and Co. performed a song that contains the lyric "WTF, dude?", AKA the stupidest song ever written. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING?! They wrote this! This show turns everything to shit.

Oh great, now we get shots of everyone "rockin out" to the music. Luckily, Navid shows up to again spoil the "fun". Simi apologizes...again. Navid hears him, but doesn't necessarily accept his apology. He appreciates Simi being straight with him, though, so there's that.

He meets up with Liam who encourages him to talk to some girls. If he wasn't convincing enough, Samantha Fucking Ronson tells him to go for it.

I hate this show. I hate everything it stands for.

Simi meets up with Silver. He's glad she showed up. Dealing with cancer patients can be tough. She's kinda over the whole cancer patient thing, at least for the night. He obliges and starts talking about his hair product. Flirty hair touching ensues.

Urban chimp mating ritual.

Luckily Borianna shows up to see it...as well as the harem that has surrounded Navid.

YAAAAAAAAAWN...10 more minutes...I can do this!

Took Jen awhile but she finally thought herself up a way to get back at Liam. She tells Matthews that Liam had propositioned her the time they met at a previous party and that he propositioned her again tonight. Matthews gets upset that Liam would do that after he tried to reach out to him. Teaching: a thankless job. Who knew?

Casa Wilson. From here on out it's all a little fuzzy as that's what my DVR recorded. So from what I can decipher from the jumbled closed-captioning and the random audio, Toothy called Dixon to tell him she lost the baby. He's relieved, guilty, something the closed-captioning calls "ntwsr"...Harry starts to tell him the truth but Becky butts in. She tells Dixon that everything will be OK, but doesn't tell him about her encounter with Toothy.

Boo!

Back at the party, Liam bumps into Matthews who yells at him for hitting on Jen. In a surprise move, he doesn't charge after Jen and just goes home.

Back at Casa Wilson, Harry wonders why Becky lied to him. Yeah, I'd like to know why myself. She just couldn't bear the look on his face when he found out she was lying. It would break his heart. She tells Harry to trust her, for once in his goddamn life.

OK...what? That's the stupidest shit I ever heard, even for this show. Becky, I was totally on your side at that coffee shop. Now I hope Harry cheats on your stupid ass.

Hope you and Pharrell have fun...IN HELL!

Liam's. Straw-Hat brings over Liam's goodie bag. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. She saw how upset he was when he left and wonders if he's OK. He's all right. Does he want her to go? Nope. They're quite the conversationalists.

Is Liam on the Homecoming float committee or something?

She goes over to the thing in the white sheet. He stops her snooping by asking her what was up with the dress. Every once in awhile she likes to remind people that she's not a dude. He knows she's not a dude.

That's good to know.

They stop long enough for Liam to tell her that he doesn't want anything serious. She calls him a girl.

Did we really need 2 whole episodes to get to this point?

Hollywood Sign. In the middle of kissing Annie and setting up a shot, Jazz-Hands gets a text and runs out to his car. He grabs some pills from the trunk of his car and hands them over to Borianna...but we already knew that 40 minutes ago.


Pale and tragic has been done...and way more fiercely I might add.

Fin.