A Christmas Carol Reminds Weekend Box Office Of Death

Merry Christmas, everyone! Ho ho ho! What did you get for Christmas? Anything good? Did it snow?

Ho ho ho! Ho ho… hang on a minute. It isn't Christmas. It isn't anywhere remotely near Christmas. It's barely November. We haven't even started to build up our reserve of goodwill towards all men yet. In fact, we still think most men are wankers.

So why is A Christmas Carol the number one movie at the weekend box office? Because it's not very good and everyone's trying to get it out of the way early so that it doesn't bugger up everyone's Christmas? Oh, right.

A Christmas Carol is the number one movie at US the weekend box office, even though Christmas is still quite a long way off. Not that we're purists or anything, but we might have preferred it if Disney was a little more time-sensitive with its releases. You know exactly what we're suggesting – that Disney immediately withdraws A Christmas Carol from cinemas and replaces it with a film called A Carol About A Slightly Overcast Monday Afternoon In Early November. Do it, Disney! You know we're onto something!

Still, it's not all bad. At least now Jim Carrey can add ‘Computer animated movies based on timeless novels' to his list of things he should probably never do again, along with ‘films about how scary numbers are' and ‘beards'. Here's the US weekend box office top five…

1 – A Christmas Carol (Robert Zemeckis‘ annual attempt to make a realistic-looking motion capture film. At the rate he's progressing, he'll finally come up with a film that doesn't make us want to spend an entire week sitting in a corner with a torch, terrified and awake and clawing at our skin with our fingernails by about 2076) $31,000,000

2 - Michael Jackson's This Is It (A mighty from last week. Maybe that ‘In Cinemas For Two Weeks Only!' marketing plan was a little optimistic after all. Let's hope the DVD sales are better, otherwise Sony had better start printing up stickers reading ‘Not Given Away Free To Anyone Who Spends More Than A Tenner At HMV For Two Weeks Only!') $14,000,000

3 - The Men Who Stare At Goats (Have you ever stared at a goat? It's rubbish. This film's rubbish. Shut up) $13,300,000

4 - The Fourth Kind (It's the film that literally everyone is calling ‘The Paranormal Activity that's about aliens and nobody really gives a shit about'…) $12,500,000

5 - Paranormal Activity (… And so if people care less about The Fourth Kind than they do Paranormal Activity, and yet The Fourth Kind is higher than Paranormal Activity at the weekend box office, then that means that people care less about Paranormal Activity than they do about Paranormal Activity. Argue with THAT logic) $8,600,000

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