Jennifer Lopez Sex Tape: Kept Away From You Perverts

Let's play Good News/ Bad News. Bad news: there's a Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Good news: it doesn't star Ben Affleck.

Bad news: it does star Jennifer Lopez. Good news: you won't be seeing it any time soon. And it might not be a sex tape. And it might not even star Jennifer Lopez. But Jennifer Lopez has decided to get it blocked anyway, just on the off-chance that it really does contain depictions of her vast posterior jiggling up and down on top of a bloke somewhere.

Just to reiterate, though, it definitely doesn't star Ben Affleck. So you might lose your dinner by watching it, but at least you'd keep your eyesight.

Getting romantically linked to Jennifer Lopez really doesn't seem like it's worth the bother. For starters, if you marry her you're statistically quite likely to get divorced from her again within about six months, plus there's a strong chance that she'll make you star in a film with her, and the film will be awful and you'll have to grow a beard and start directing just to escape the all-encompassing shame that comes from knowing that Jennifer Lopez made you star in one of her crappy films. Yes, Ben Affleck, that was directed at you.

Worst of all, though, Jennifer Lopez won't even let you release your private sex videos of her once she's dumped you, the massive cow. Just ask her ex-husband Ojani Noa.

You might remember Ojani Noa as the man who married Jennifer Lopez, then divorced her and tried to write a tell-all book about what she was like at sex, or something. Unfortunately, thanks to a nondisclosure clause in their divorce settlement, Ojani Noa is forbidden from discussing anything that happened during his marriage, and Jennifer Lopez successfully sued him. But Ojani isn't a man who likes to rest on his laurels, which is why he's spent the last few weeks pitching a film around called How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story.

The film is apparently a mockumentary about Noa's short-lived marriage to Jennifer Lopez, and how she allegedly cheated on him. But it seems as though Jennifer Lopez is worried that it'll be one of those brilliant mockumentaries where you get to see explicit home movies of the subject having real sex, which is why she's already got the movie blocked. E! Online reports: