Dancing With The Stars Ejects Aaron Carter, Thank God

Admit it – for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars.

It's OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron's Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again?

Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We're in the clear.

We're one week closer to discovering the winner of Dancing With The Stars. Actually, we take that back. We're one week closer to discovering that Mya has won Dancing With The Stars. Because, goodness, it'll be a sad day if any of the others beat her. Especially if it's Kelly Osbourne. If we were Mya, and Kelly Osbourne was deemed to be a better dancer than us before an audience of millions, we'd go away and shatter our shins with a clawhammer. Just saying.

But we've got that to look forward to. At least we know for sure that Aaron Carter definitely won't beat Mya at Dancing With The Stars, because he was booted off the show last night. Poor Aaron, he's provided us with so much entertainment over the years – by taking all the drugs, embarking on the world's most disastrous engagement, having it off with Lindsay Lohan and generally being so obnoxious that even Hulk Hogan's family, the most obnoxious family in all of mankind, picked up on it – but he'll just have to live with the fact that he isn't as good at dancing as Kelly Osbourne. AP reports:

Carter cried early in the competition after harsh remarks from the judges… Head judge Len Goodman praised the young singer for his dedication. 'You're an inspiration to all young people that anything is possible,' Goodman said. 'If you were my son, I would be so proud of you.'

And you know what? We'd be proud of Aaron Carter if he was our son, too. True, we'd have immediately crushed our testicles between two breezeblocks the instant he was born to prevent us ever repeating the atrocity, but if he ended up coming fifth in a televised dancing contest then we might be slightly proud of him. Fleetingly.

But at least Dancing With The Stars protected Aaron Carter from the magnitude of his failure this week. He may have come last, but at least they booked Susan Boyle and Michael Buble as musical guests to ensure that he wasn't the very worst thing on the show. Although, based on this formula, to make Kelly Osbourne look good on the week she's eliminated they'll need to feature vocal performances by Josef Fritzl and Mumm-Ra The Everliving. Or something.

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