Top Chef Reunion Dinner: Just Like High School, Only With Worse Hairstyling

Welcome everyone! Do you like reunions? I don't mean the heart-wrenching, soul-twisting, tear-jerking kind that you find in the movies where some long-separated pair of lovers is brought back together after years of hardships and suffering and they have just enough time to have sex once before one of them is killed either in a senseless flossing accident or by choking to death on Pez. No, I'm talking about real life reunions where everyone sits around lying about how great their jobs are and pretending they're still in love with their spouses and attempting to hide their fat by not exhaling. Oh, you don't like those kind, either? Well, that's too bad, because we've got an hour of that shit to slog through tonight. However, we do get a few juicy tidbits thrown our way, one in the form of Carla "Beaker" Hall...

...who's giving Casey five seconds to 'pologize before she opens up a can of hootie-hoo on her ass...

Oh yes, tonight is the first ever Top Chef Reunion Dinner and all of our favorites are here to show that they have spent the last few years learning absolutely nothing about how to act when appearing on reailty TV show. And because the denizens of Bravo just won't let various douchetastic versions of the fauxhawk die, I'm calling on Beaker's spirit guides Ronda and Juanita to help me pull a little Paranormal Activity on them after the jump...

We begin tonight's show by meeting our host Fabio...

...thankfully not this one...

Although, wasn't it hysterical that time that Jesus sent a bird to whop him in the face and remind him to be a little less of a dickbag? At least, that's what's going through the blonde's mind. No, instead we are treated to the other Fabio (which is a phrase I never ever ever thought would exist in my lifetime) who claims that Bravo just up and asked him to host "a deenair partee" at Social Nightclub in Hollywood...

..."Doan hade mee becozz Ai estole fan favoreet fromm Beekair!"...

That's right, I said it, he totally did! There's no way he really beat out Carla for fan favorite, right? I mean, you hear a helluva lot more "Hootie hoo!" going on out there than you do "Monkey ass een a clowna shale!" In any event, he garbles that tonight we're going to see himself plus eleven of the "moss beelovvd chef fromm season pasta". Really?!? Funny how the editors immediately make a huge liar of him...

...perhaps "beelovvd" is Italian for "universally despised"?...

Marcel aside, FahBeeOh promises that they're going to reminisce, clear the air about some things, and have a fabiolous time... "Bud trossme, whayn dees groop ged toogayzur, yoo nayvur know whazz goin too hoppen!" Got that? Nope? Get used to it, his accent still sucks. And with that, let's cue the roll call...

...they're like those before and after shots where the only difference is that the "after" got better lighting...

Ok, no, that's not quite true. Tiffany looks like she finally got laid, Harold's feeling himself up, Marcel manages to look even more dickish, Ilan thankfully gave up the fauxhawk, Casey's trying to show us her tits instead of her veneers, Hung's playing with his balls, Dale was somehow able to look even gayer than me (no small feat), Lisa looks like an oily Chaz Bono, Richard unfortunately didn't learn Ilan's fauxhawk lesson, Stefan looks constipated and Carla found some hair-relaxer.

As the chefs begin to converge on Social (site of TC Season 2's ill-fated leftovers dinner party for Jennifer Coolidge in which Big Josie got sent home for sending out a spoonful of Pepto-Bismol, which was ironically appropriate considering some of the crap that was served at that meal) and they're all excited! Richard Blazehawk's saying how excited he is to meet everyone (he's clearly spent zero time in the company of Turkey-Haired Marcel) and Harold's somewhat ruefully telling us that when he first signed up to be on Top Chef he had no idea what he was getting into. Such as totally-not-set-up-for-drama-reunion-episodes. Dale Baldhawk reminds us he did Top Chef "just to do something crazy" because he was about to retire from cooking altogether...

..."And because I just felt like America hadn't had enough of my 'Oooooooh, gurrrrrl?' faces yet!"...

If I didn't know better, I'd have taken one look at those oversculpted eyebrows of his and thought he was doing drag on the weekends. Anyhow, our O.B. (Original Bitch) Tiffany is here to tell us that she's been travelling to Eurasia, doing consulting work and still hopes to reach her goal of opening her own restaurant. Good luck in this economy, darling. About the only way you'll get there now is to open a place that has a clown for a mascot and a dollar menu. She's the first to meet FahBeeOh and he's so bad at pretending like he's glad to meet her. At least Andy Cohen has the chops to be able to sit next to a breathing pile of silicone and horsehair like Kim Zolciak and make like he believes her when she says she's not a whore.

Looks like the "Kelly Clarkson" of Top Chef (Harold Dieterle) is up next to join the group, followed by it's "Taylor Hicks" which would be Ilan. He claims that he's really glad to see everyone, and being at Social again is very special for him because he won that terrible leftover dinner challenge that made Jennifer Coolidge yark up into her own purse. Oh, and you know how I said he's learned his lesson about the fauxhawk?...

...I take it back...

Um, I dunno why, but he looks very Hair Club For Men all of a sudden, and that's clearly not an improvement on the fauxhawk, but it could have been far worse. He could have come in looking like Marcel and his Thanksgiving Jennie-O 'do. Speak of the devil, guess who's just arriving outside?...

...Feel free to make that "t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t" sound from The Six Million Dollar Man in your head. I'm sure he is. ...

Actually that would have been way before his time, so I'd guess it's the theme from X-Men and somebody thinks they're Wolverine. Turkeyrine? Hmmm. Anyhow, Turkeyhair says that since Season 2 he's been focusing in on "honing his craft" and "refining his cuisine" and developing his "style". He left out the part about "annoying the viewers", but I don't blame him for that, he's just not that into us.

Well, he left Las Vegas (unfortunately not in a Nicolas Cage sense) and moved to L.A. in order to open The Bazaar by Jose Andres... who apparently has a thing for working with dickbags with superdouche hair, because Jose's also the owner of none other than Zaytinya, the restaurant that Sexist Pigshit from the current season works at! Of course TurkeyHair makes it sound like he owns The Bazaar. FahBeeOh says he was there about a month ago and had a great time sifting through their 4,927 varieties of foam. Ok, no he didn't, but if TurkeyHair's up in there, you know there's gonna be a goodly amount of airs, gelees and foams.

So this is interesting: TurkeyHair says that as he looks back on his season and all the drama that he was in the middle of (and we flashback to Big Fat Frank getting up in Turkey's face and saying...

..."If youse ever touch my toofbrush again, I'ma gonna beetchu so bad youse gonna look like dis big sweltering zit on da tip of my nose afta I pops it."...

...or something similar) and he says he learned a lot about himself. "If I had to come up with a reason why there was so much animosity, it was because of the mere fact that I'm pretty young and was definitely a force to be reckoned with..." Um, okay, so really he hasn't learned anything, because basically he's saying that the reason everybody hated him wasn't because he was a complete and total tool, it's everyone else's problem because they were all threatened by his awesomeness. It's too bad they haven't seen his jumping-in-the-air-and-landing-gracelessly skillz, they'd be even more intimidated.

We also are treated to the flashback where TurkeyHair told Illyawn that he had lost what little respect he had for him (for whatever reason) and Illyawn spitting back a confused and silly-sounding diatribe about TurkeyHair needing to learn how to use salt and paprika and that he should shut the fuck up, keep making foams and go cry in the corner. Wow, he forgot to add "times infinity!" to the end of that so it would have more impact.

Back in the here and now, FahBeeOh asks "Zo, howse yoo gaizes beeing toogezzer? Ave yoo been toogezzer seenz da show?" and the two of them sputter uncomfortably, and TurkeyHair mumbles something about them having seen each other at the A-List Awards, and FBO asks "Zo noww yoo baste fraynz?"...

..."We're not at all awkward!"...

FahBeeOh's pushing for drama, asking them about their "love/hate" relationship during their season, but neither one wants to bite, proclaiming all that stuff is water under the fauxhawk. However, TurkeyHair privately says that while he and Illyawn are "culinary brothers of other mothers" (ugh, fucking gag) he and Illyawn are not BFFs. Let's move on then.

Here comes Dale BaldHawk and Casey the Beaker Hater (also known as Bunny Foo Foo) and she's trying to pretend that she's happy to see these people because "it IS like a family reunion!" Yeah, of Clan Lohan, maybe. Bunny Foo Foo's here to do one thing only, and that's to spin some damage control, but we'll get to those juicy deets in a few minutes. Right now BaldHawk's telling FBO about his new restaurant he opened and also his weekly supper club, and how he's now roommates with his bestie castmate and favorite hag Sara N (or Saran as dubbed by Flipit) and we're given a fun flashback of the two of them being wacky...

...and doing the Dance of the Duelling Cockblockers...

I can only begin to imagine the kind of dysfunction that's going on in that house, beginning with the fact that neither of them is probably getting laid at all. BaldHawk admits that after Saran was booted from the show he kinda latched on to Bunny Foo Foo as his new sister, but Bunny corrects him "Hung was my sister!" and TurkeyHair and Illyawn laugh as if no one's ever thought they were a big pair of flamers. Speaking of Dung, here he comes now, and when he strolls into sight Bunny beats her little joke to death some more by calling out "Ah ha, my SISTER!" Did everybody catch that yet, that she's saying Dung is gay??!? Well, he said bisexual at one point, but most of us queers try that one on for size before admitting we like dick way more.

In any case, Dung says he's still trying to get his restaurant started and doing a lot of charity work and "private parties". FahBeeOh tells him "Yoo wair won of dee fostess conntaystan een oll de seesonn, an yoo are zo foste dat yoo are ollmoz stob her!" OH yeah, I forgot about that time Dung almost stabbed Bunny Foo Foo while running around the kitchen! Cue the flashback of Bunny whipping her head around and asking pissily, "Is that a knife? Jesus Christ!"...

...no, that's a knife!...

Dung tells her he didn't even realize that he had come so close to her with his blade until he saw the episode. To us, Dung also says watching himself on TV made him learn a lot, and instead of blaming everyone else's negative reactions to him on his fabulousness (a-la-TurkeyHair) he says he's a little calmer now and a little less likely to be defensive when he's receiving criticism. Grow from love, Dung. Grow from love.

Time to catch up with Richard BlazeHawk, who comes around the corner to plug the fact that his wife had a kid, and that he's started a "restaurant group" in Atlanta (we don't call it anything as gauche as a "chain" anymore I guess) called Flip Burger Boutique, which sounds pretentious as all hell, and he proves me right when he boasts of their "really inventive burgers and liquid nitrogen milkshakes"...

...wow, pickles on the top and the tomato on the bottom??!?! Innovative!...

Naturally, he doesn't mention his connection to fucking Fat Kid on the current season. At this point FahBeeOh takes the opportunity to lie and say "Ai loff yoo haiur!" and BlazeHawk claims he's going for a "sort-of like 80's London rocker" look. That's the weirdest way I've ever heard someone refer to A Flock Of Seagulls yet! Anyhow, FBO flat-out asks "Deed yoo copee dee haiurcot fromm Jen fromm yoo seesonn?"...

...Oh znap!...

Ha ha ha, it's kinda funny, except...

...people who live in glass hairstyles...

Yeah, not much room to talk there, Fabby, plus BlazeHawk never ran around with a big gay pink noose around his neck, so take your copeecott Enrique Iglesias mole and shut it, K? Besides, it's time for the real unpleasantness to start, in the form of a certain lumbering lesbiana. Yes, in keeping with that whole "most beloved chefs" theme, here's everybody's clear favorite...

...a bar security guard come to clear the room...

Hee hee, just kidding, that's Lisa Fernandes, and she's copied my hairstyle! I'm shaving my head tomorrow in protest. Still, the girl learned her lesson, which is "The grease and dirt are less noticeable when you have a buzz cut." She's insisting to us that Top Chef was "an awesome experience" for her, and that she surprisingly still has the same girlfriend. That convinces me that there are no TVs in Casa Fernandes. The only other thing she has to say is that she's a sous chef at Dos Caminos on Park Avenue, and that the daily death threats are finally starting to taper off (I'm kidding, they're not). There's no talk of having "learned anything" about herself after seeing what an unparalelled and unrepentant (not to mention unwashed) bitch she was during her entire season, and I'm not happy that she's back on my TV again. I have had enough of this...

...and the attendant miasma of B.O. strong enough to warp my TV...

...to last me the rest of my recapping days. Never mind her, though, it's time for one of our favorites to come and give us some cooking with love... IT'S BEAKER!!! FahBeeOh immediately says how glad he is to finally see someone from his season, and they immediately zoom in on Bunny Foo Foo smiling all buck-toothed and fake-like. She tells us this is the first time she's seen Beaker since the finale of Season Five in which she made a lot of helpful suggestions as to how Beaker could completely bone the shit out of the final challenge and screw herself out of becoming the next Top Chef (opening the door for Mr. Potato-Head himself, Hoser). The words "sous vide" float in the air like a terrible grief-laden memory for all of us...

...mostly thanks to this hateful bitch...

Bunny says she's super-embarrassed (she should be) and has been dreading having to come back and face Beaker again. Except Beaker is super-cool and goes right over to her and gives her a hug and a big "Ohhhh, honey-bunny!" to boot. Then she kicks her real hard in the cooze, shoves her to the ground, stomps on both of her hands and pees on her. In my head. Nope, Beaker's totally rising into the status of Queen Of The Universe for how she's handling this bitch. More on this later, because it's time for a bald Europeean Stefan to make his appearance so FahBeeOh can gush "Nowa Ai feel compleetah!" as they share a "Ciao!" and make out a little...

...and Team EuroMos is back in da house!...

Stefan compliments FBO on smelling so sexy, and FahBeeOh admits he went against Fleasa's religion and took a shower today. Stefan tells us that things have calmed down for both he and his Euro BF(F) and they will be besties 4-evah! Nobody seems to miss Hoser at all. Besides, they've already met their bald-guy quota.

SO that's everybody, and people are breaking off into little knots to chit-chat. We overhear TurkeyHair asking Illyawn about the rumor that he was going to open up a taco-truck (OMG, Flipit totally predicted that when he first recapped Season Two!) and Illyawn makes me snort when he claims he was just going to "do it for fun" and that it would be "super profitable" but he's agreeing with TurkeyHair that a real restaurant would be a better route for him. Funny how TurkeyHair seems to have a gig and Illyawn doesn't, and I'm curious about that since Illyawn snagged the $100K for winning the show. OH, maybe it's because his restaurant (which he stylishly named "The Gorbals") was only open for about four days before it was shut down by the Health Department. That sucks, but I'm totally sure his taco-truck would have been much cleaner...

...and look! I already came up with a zippy name for it! You're welcome, Illyawn. ...

Also kinda vomit-inducing is FahBeeOh snuggling up with *retch* Fleasa and telling her what a "beeyoodeefool zmile" she has, but that he always saw her with "a leedel beed ovv ezcowl onda show!" We are treated to a FleasaFlash of her various ass-faces, sly attempts to pull a back-handed-under-bus-throw on another cheftestant, being proud of her bitchy behavior, and Anthony Bourdain becoming my all-time hero when he astutely points out "If you notice her body language, by nature she is not inclined to accept criticism from this table...."

...or an emergency V05 Hot Oil Treatment, either...

She tells us that she "got portrayed" as the villian on the show, and insists that people recognize her every day on the street and are like "Oh my God, you're awesome!" and maintains that whatever we saw of her on TV was just "a character". So even though she went to the press in her post-season and had this to say:

"Oh no, I don't read the blogs--you couldn't pay me to read the blogs. I don't want to know what people who can't even afford to eat in my restaurant, let alone know how to cook have to say about me, and the few comments I did read on Eater.com a few weeks back because my job asked me to read 'em. the best they could come up with was that I was ugly."

...that was just her being the bitchass "character" that the producers so evilly edited her into becoming. Except she was no longer on the show at that point. Ah well, we knew someone was going to blame editing instead of their own shitty personality, so why not her?...

..."Y'know Leona Helmsley was a victim of bad editing, too!"...

Speaking of shitty personalities, FahBeeOh has gathered Dung, Tiffany and TurkeyHair together and is trying to stir some shit up by asking if people ever stop them on the street and give them a hard time for being so "opeenyonatayd"? Tiffany tells us seeing herself on screen was invaluable (cue the clip medley of her being nasty to everybody, and then her being one of the first ever to use the phrase "I'm not here to make friends!") and she admits now that a lot of that behavior came from insecurity, and unlike Fleasa, she accepts responsibility that she really acted that way. Wow, Tiff, you're a stand-up lady, and just for admitting that I'm moving you to J-Mo's List Of Redeemed Reality Peopleâ'¢. Not that that will get you a free lunch or anything, but what can I do? I'm just a poor recapper who can't afford to eat in a restaurant where Fleasa's been contaminating cooking the food.

FBO (who's clearly in Andy Cohen's tight hip pocket now) admits there is "somm cot an payeest" here and there, but echoes my own sentiment that "dey canno poot wourd een yoo mout." and Tiff agrees that everyone is responsible for their actions and the things they say. Turning to TurkeyHair, FahBeeOh asks about some incident he read about where someone hit Turkeyrine in the head with a bottle? A quick search brings up just such a story of some girl whopping him over his left eye in a club somewhere, but instead of taking the bait, TurkeyHair gets all annoyed and indignant... "Really? Like, you're supposed to be, like, hosting me, like, and you're fucking trying to bring up all this, like, drama?"...

...you hold him down, Fab, I'll go find another bottle...

And no, he's not done, either! "What if I told you I'm not gonna fucking talk about it? You wanna talk about when they shaved my head? You wanna talk about when they pinned me down?" Umm, you wanna talk about why you deserve those kinds of things, you hairy little fuckstain? Ah, but here's TurkeyHair's big insult (that I'm certain he practiced in front of the mirror at home while overgelling his hair) that's meant to shut FahBeeOh down: "I'd talk to you about your season... but I never watched it!"...

..."Doo ainyboddee havv eelectreek ressor handee?"...

No, instead FahBeeOh quietly responds "Dat eez why yoo godda repootation dat yoo godd." FBO's BFF Stefan jumps in saying that he always said TurkeyHair was a great chef and Turkey points at him accusingly, "You also said I was a twat!" Stefan clarifies that what he actually said was "He's a bit of a twat... but who's not?" and the two of them pretend that they're starting a "beef". Somehow I'm not as impressed by Stefan vs. TurkeyHair as I was of Biggie vs. Tupac. Privately Stefan interviews that he thinks TurkeyHair has grown up a little bit. Publicly I would interview the only thing that's grown about TurkeyHair is his Dippity-Doo budget.

During a lull in the conversation (i.e. anytime Fleasa opens her mouth) FahBeeOh gets everyone's attention and says he's got a surprise and pulls out the old knife block! Harold gets a "fuuuuuuuckme" look on his face and tells us he thinks the block should be napalmed. BlazeHawk, on the other hand, just popped a giant boner because he really misses the competition. Don't waste a hardon, Blazey, there's no competing here, all the knives are for is to give each Season a different course in the meal they're going to cook together. Zzzzzzzz...

...I have a mixture of Stefan's and Beaker's expressions on my face right now...

If I were them I'd be like, "Just one time could we get together and not have to cook?" Eh, at any rate, the order's going to go Seasons 3, 1, 2, 4, 5, and FBO hands them $500.00 each to go to Whole Paycheck Market. Okay, being handed $2,500.00 for ingredients for one dinner for 12 people? Makes it better. Although Beaker's a little dubious because she and Stefan have landed the fifth course...

..."Oooooooh, gurrrrrl?!"...

Yup, I know it, girlfriend... y'all got stuck with dessert again! Just stay away from souffles (and Bunny Foo Foo) and you'll be fine. Stefan's not exactly eurojumping for eurojoy, either... he thinks dessert is too easy. Yeah, that's why he got buttfucked in the finale last season for presenting everyone with an 80's Retro dessert selection that included Jell-O Pudding Pops, Dunkin' Munchkins and a raspberry. Of course, the editors make sure to show FahBeeOh bitterly critiquing Stefan's dish at the final dinner...

..."Eet look and taze lika turrd onna steek... anda now I gonna pyookuh."...

Of course now he's all up kissing Beaker's and Stefan's asses and telling them how "strong" they are in doing dessert...

...Stefan gets a little extra tongue-in-the-ear action...

Who cares? This isn't a competition or anything! Make deep-fried Meow Mix balls sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar! Or a four foot cube of Rice-Krispie treat! Or Ho-Ho's and rum cake (minus the cake!) Do they even sell Hostess or Little Debbies at Whole Paycheck? Let's go find out!

Once they're inside the store, BaldHawk thinks it's super-fun to look down at the meat counter and see Tiffany shopping for bull penis, or glance over at the automotive section and see BlazeHawk grabbing chemicals to set everyone's anuses on fire, or check the produce section to see Stefan sexually harassing Beaker...

...looks like that tongue-in-the-ear action got him a little more horned up than we thought...

He tells her the small one is FahBeeOh, and the big one is him. Without missing a beat Beaker retorts "You wish." and moves on down the aisle. BlazeHawk and Fleasa are at the meat counter reminiscing on that time they gave themselves carpal tunnel syndrome having to break down big slabs of tomahawk chops. BaldHawk's getting the squitters all over again because being at the store reminds him of his least favorite challenge, the Aisle Trial. He's right to be ashamed, he made a really spicy ramen noodle dish with a random egg on top that made Scar cough!

Meanwhile, over at the seafood counter, TurkeyHair's demonstrating just how much he's matured in the last couple of years by line-cutting in front of old ladies...

...whop him in the balls with your purse, Grandma! America would thank you!...

Illyawn's suggesting that the two of them get a bottle of Château Margaux Hemingway Kidder to "wash down" their course, and for "shits'n'giggles". Mmmmm, klassy! Illyawn's needlessly telling us that he and TurkeyHair have "shared some words that were probably harsh on both ends." He claims he'd take it back if he could, but blames the competition for making him act like an asshole, "It's all part of the game!" Yes, the game of "Who Wants To Be The Biggest Shit-Encrusted And Swollen Hemorrhoid On TV?" Fortunately for Illyawn, TurkeyHair wins every time. Also not surprising is the fact that the two of them still managed to overspend their $500.00 budget! Well, I'm sure the Château LaToya Jackson wine wasn't cheap.

Back over at AntiSocial, everyone dons their chef coats like cut-rate superheroes and flies off to different parts of the kitchen to start putting their meal together. Wow, watching them cook is incredibly... boring. With no competition or time limits or crazy restrictions to spice things up, there just isn't much to say about watching Fleasa chopping up onions (and instantly wilting them with the sheer power of her halitosis) or Harold gutting a fish (except I wish he'd slip and gut TurkeyHair and stuff him with bread crumbs) or Dung dismembering ducks and flash frying them.

Of course, BaldHawk, Dung and Bunny Foo Foo are making seafood their first course, Bunny's making oysters, Dung's doing sardines, and BaldHawk's making crab pierogies, which sounds really good... except he's already fucked things up by oversalting his crab filling. Way to go, Baldy. I hate bad pierogies. In fact, truthfully, it's one of the few things I've learned from my mother how to make... except our family recipe stretches back to Prussia and we grew up calling them pierogin. Plus, ours are not baked, they are boiled first, and then fried, and they are a helluva lot of work, but they're sooooo good. I'ma be right back, I hear a pair of caramel-apple empanadas calling my name.

FahBeeOh comes into the kitchen trying to pretend like he's Daddy Tom and attempts to bother the other chefs while they work. He's asking Bunny Foo Foo and BaldHawk what the craziest dish they remember being made was, and without a doubt they say it was...

...Dung's Froot Loop Homeroom Picture (& Smurf Carnage)...

Dung says he kinda lost his mind that day and the entire creation of that thing was totally random, but it's also one of the things he gets the most comments on. That, and the way he nearly stabbed Bunny. Moving on to Season One's Harold and Tiffany, Fabs wants to know what their favorite challenge was. Tiff says it was the street food challenge, but Harold's shuddering, because he really sucked at that one and almost got sent home. In fact, his partner Lisa wound up taking the blame and DID get sent home. So, not Harold's favorite challenge. I'd say his favorite was the final.

Checking in with Season Two's bitchboys, Illyawn and TurkeyHair say they're making some kind of salt-crusted Thai snapper that they're planning on serving Italian style, which of course FahBeeOh says he'll be judging them on. Like that fucking matters. Give it a rest, Fabs, you're not Daddy Tom. Anyhow, they both say that their favorite challenge was, naturally, the vending machine challenge...

...and the Poopy-Cheeto-Erectionâ'¢!...

Yes, Moonface Moron Mikey's awesome creation that he told Suzanne Goin to just shut up and put it in her mouth. Best. Amused. Douche. Ever. And for once I'm not talking about TurkeyHair...

...whose hair-inspiration I've finally nailed down...

Anybody wanna see what BlazeHawk and Fleasa are up to? Besides being visual Syrup-of-Ipecac? Well, they're making a beef dish with some kind of corn crap on it, and of course since it's Blazey, it has to be some kind of punny play on words. Yes, I'm giving a great big gay eye-roll right about now, too. FahBeeOh asks them about what was their "mose toff challenche" and Fleasa pipes right up that it was Wedding Wars because they were up all night, nobody slept or had a chance to shower (which was less noticeable in her case) and then they had to wake right up the next morning and do a whole 'nother challenge...

...and somebody seems to think they should get a gold fucking medal for it...

I'm kidding, no, seriously, that would be tough to pull a 48 hour shift. Standing next to Fleasa. Eyes watering. Not being able to breathe. Poor BlazeHawk actually does deserve some kind of Iron Man medal for that. Although, honestly, if these people want to talk about marathon discomfort, they should compete in a national drag queen pageant... you have to try and get dressed in 12 cubic feet of space, your dick is hiked up and smooshed and duct-taped between your own butt-cheeks, you're wearing and walking and dancing in painful shoes and hot wigs and the competitions go on for days.

Oh well, heading on over to his own castmates, FahBeeOh tells Stefan "Ai lohst yoo on deessairt, yoo ebruke mai haart weed deessairt lass taiyeem!" Stefan replies, "I make you this time the same shit, how 'bout that buddy?" LOL, good one Stefan, you know everybody knows you should have won last season instead of PantyHoser. Anyhow, FBO's accent suddenly takes a turn for the stronger when he addresses Beaker, "How eentainsuh wooz too kookuh een de Toop Chaiyf Keychain?" and she says she'd describe the challenges as "ready, set, stress!" Of course her favorite challenge was the Le Bernardin meal with Eric Ripert, because she said that she felt closely connected to that type of food...

..."...and it was even nicer because Ronda and Juanita shut their fucking yaps for a change..."...

I love how they try to drum up some drama by playing fast-paced music as we watch the chefs leisurely finish making their dishes with zero urgency. Stefan's suddenly asking Tiffani if she needs any help to finish her dish, and she bats her eyelashes at him. Beaker tells us "Stefan is like Uncle Joe... the glue of the family... keeping all the little parts and people together." And, if he's at all like my "Uncle Joe", sometimes touching them inappropriately as well.

That's not far off the mark, and TIffani knows it, "What's the deal? How do you just break up with Jamie so quickly and move to me?" Cue the flashback of Stefan's creepy obsession with Turtleneck Jamie. Tiff calls him out on it, too... "You're a little bit of a lesbian opportunivore." Stefan just grins like a doofus and agrees, and then says the most inappropriate thing ever: "Be careful there, Lisa!"...

...Okay, a.) Ick. and
b.) Sorry Stefan, you will never see this face descending towards your crotch. and
c.) This picture is next to "bonerkiller" in the dictionary. and
d.) Ew. ...

Now everyone's converging on the dining room carrying their fussily plated dishes (but wouldn't it have been fun to see them using crystal-blue Chinet with divisions?) and Harold claims he's really looking forward to sitting and eating with everyone and just being able to "drink some wine and be very civilized." I say double the wine intake and let's see how "civilized" it stays. At least, that's how I like to stir things up at my own family reunions.

FahBeeOh gives a little toast that nobody can understand because I think he's had a couple of shots of Jack already and his accent is drunker the thicker he gets. Don't believe me? Try this one in BabelFish: "Gaiz, ledmee churss too yoo, de food loook absulooly gorzhuss buduvgorze Ai wazzen espectee nusseeng lez fromm ollov yoo, yoo gaizarr de tope ov de tope anyuroll weiner een mai bookuh, eetzann onnor formee bee heer andai mees toodaiy nobeeann weet yoo eenda keychain!"...

...that's five versions of "WTF?"-face and one version of EuroCluelessâ'¢...

Before they can get started, we're tossed a "nayvur seen beeforr cleep" from the Season Five Finale in which the sous-chefs (TurkeyHair, Bunny Foo Foo and BlazeHawk) were sent to Judges' Table to be critiqued as well! It starts off rather confusingly with Gail asking Blazey about Hoser's "drive"...? Hopefully she's not talking about his sex drive, because Possible Stalker Leah's the only one who ever wanted a taste of that, and look what it did to her...

...the face of self-imposed celibacy...

Anyhow, BlazeHawk starts to answer, but TurkeyHair starts trying to talk over him and won't shut his yap, and finally Tewwible Tiny Toby starts trying to ask a follow-up question, but Turkey's still blabbering away, until Toby finally stops him with "Marcel. Shut up a second. I want to ask you a question..." Of course, because Turkey's such a rebel (and because he has nothing to lose since he already lost his season to fucking Illyawn, and because tiny little douchebags can never get along with one another) he starts getting uppity with Toby, "Did you just tell me to shut up?" Toby says he didn't mean to be rude, but he was just trying to--- and TurkeyHair cuts back in with "Okay, well I haven't said a fucking word up until now, and the one time I do say a word, you tell me to fucking shut up? Alright, I see how it is. Well you are already rude, so go ahead and say whatever you wanna say. I'm listening."...

...Is anyone on this panel sorry now that they didn't pick him to win in Hawaii? Daddy Tom?...

Tiny Tewwible Toby does his best to ignore TurkeyHair's sarcasm, but when he asks his question the little fuckwit goes off again and starts berating him for not listening (when he was talking over everyone else and nobody could understand a word any of them were saying) until finally Gail steps, in, asks him to calm down, and reminds him that they are not being judged. What's Turkey's reaction to her levelheadedness? To whine "Whatever!" and stomp off. Because that's how grown-up he's become since Season Two.

Ah well, enough about him, they're starting to eat. Honestly, I could give less of a fuck about the food this episode since all I have in the house is some stale caramel-corn, but for those of you interested, here's what Season Three's Bunny, BaldHawk and Dung put together...

...why does nobody in this bunch know how to make a Whopper with cheese?...

After tasting BaldHawk's crab pierogi, FahBeeOh asks what everyone thinks and gets crickets in return. Baldy himself thinks it's all right, but then Tiffani shows she hasn't completely lost her bitch-edge when she calls out "Traaaainwreeeeeck!" LOL, Tiff!...

...and BaldHawk tries to laugh with her, but you will notice he's not smizing...

They continue eating and FahBeeOh must have just gotten another twitter from Andy Cohen telling him to fucking say something, so he ventures the opinion that isn't it just great that nobody's getting eliminated, and nobody's going to criticize their food? Except for that thing that just happened where everybody criticized BaldHawk's terrible krab rangoon. FBO wants to know if any of them felt they were ever unfairly criticized on their season...

...I know someone!...

We're coming to that! In the meantime, Tiffani's busy reliving the nightmare Gay Wedding Challenge from Season One where Daddy Tom busted them for having used boxed Betty Crocker cake mix for the wedding cake. She says if they hadn't done that, there wouldn't have been a cake at all, and there would have been two crying queens in nice suits ruining their bronzer over it. Nobody wants to see that. Except the voters in Maine, apparently. Anyhow, here's the dish that Tiff and Harold put together...

...I love me some Tommy Yum-Yum!...

Harold and Tiff also bought a really expensive wine to go with their dish, which leads into a montage of everyone saying how much chefs drink, and we flash back to the time Possible Stalker Leah and Turtle got shitfaced and then went to Judges Table drunk off their asses, prompting Scar to say to her "Two words, Leah..... National. Television."...

...Oh puh-leeeze, like this was more embarrassing than her on-camera Hoser Handjob?...

Moving right along to the third course from Season Two...

...also known as TurkeYawn Snap'N'Rats...

Unlike poor BaldHawk's dish, everyone loves it. This means that FahBeeOh's going to try to start some shit with TurkeyHair. "Fromm whud Ai see, yoo speekopp yoo mind loddov taiyeem! Yoono yoo goddintoode theengs weet Baydee, weet Eelonn, eet loogs lige yoowanna fide ayvreyboddy!" TurkeyHair pretends to look shocked that that's how he comes off and says "Really?" Either he's a master of irony, or he's so self-involved he just doesn't get it. Fabs insists that it looks that way, and all he gets in return is a curt, "You obviously don't know me. If you think I wanna fight everybody, you obviously have no idea, like, what my personality is and who I am." Oooooh, no he DI-ent! Fobbsy looks peesduh!

At this point, for some weird reason, Bunny Foo Foo springs to TurkeyHair's defense, saying he caught a lot of shit, but insists that "He's one of the coolest guys I've ever met!" Thanks, Bunny! Your sterling reputation is only digging him deeper. FahBeeOh pretends he's not trying to provoke TurkeyHair into another outburst by insisting that this is Marcie-poo's chance to set the record straight if he feels misrepresented...

...except he's totally not...

They all agree that they all wind up misrepresented to a degree because we don't see everything that happens when 48 hours of footage is edited down to 42 minutes. Then FahBeeOh brings up the infamous Beaker-Bunnygate from last season's finale, and says what came across is that the two of them had big problems cooking together. Beaker says they never saw it that way, and Bunny Foo Foo totally downplays her role in it, saying "Some things didn't work out, some things did." Yeah, not true. Beaker keeps it classy and says it never even occurred to her when she was at Judges' Table to say that it was Bunny's fault everything got fucked up. Even though it kinda-sorta sorta-kinda was.

Privately, Beaker says she had been looking forward to clearing everything up between them and wanted to let Bunny know there were no hard feelings and that she takes full responsibility for making the decisions she did... because that's how Beaker hootie-rolls! She even goes so far as to tell the table "In hindsight, maybe I should have done something that I do all the time... but at the time it was a good decision. It wasn't Casey's fault!" Turning to Bunny, she admits, "Had it worked out, you wouldn't have been the hero, I would have been!"...

...ohhh, I'm pretty sure Bunny Foo Foo would have found a way to get her name in the credits somehow...

Instead of showing TurkeyHair's tantrum at that Judges' Table, I would have killed to have seen them asking her exactly what her role was in Beaker's dishes. So how does Bunny Foo Foo roll in the face of all of this acceptance of responsibility? By playing the victim and whining: "I caught a lot of shit for it, and I'm going 'Well, how did this whole thing get turned around on me ??!?"

I'll tell you how. Because the bitch came out swinging shortly thereafter. Here's a quote from a facebook message she sent to a reporter for SideDish:

"Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin' cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes. She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn't talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate... It didn't show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn't show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough... And it didn't show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn't rise!

I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course."

As if that wasn't bitchy enough, she then turned around and tried to allege shenanigans in the posting of her flame-mentary about Beaker, which prompted the SideDish writer to stand by what was posted.

...the face of blamelessness...

...the face of America's response...

Anyhow, Bunny's still maintaining her innocence and that she was only trying to shove Beaker under a speeding Trailways help, and TurkeyHair commisserates that FahBeeOh's just trying to start shit by bringing up all this drama. Harold jumps in to say he doesn't want to talk about this crap any more, and FBO replies "Ai undairstan, gaiz, bud yoono dee dreel!" but everybody keeps bitching that them being shown bitching is degrading their image and the image of the show. Ooooh, and that's when the Fobbster stands up and tells everybody that he's gonna say something off-camera and tells the crew to stop filming!

HA! You know Andy Cohen was already fucking pissed that he missed whateverthefuck went on during NeNe and Kim's little chokey cage-match over on the Real Housewives Of Atlanta, you think he's gonna let FahBeeOh dictate when the cameras are on or off? Here's his big beatdown speech: "Eef yoowanna gohomme toonaiyeet, wee gonna ropp deez opp an wee feeneesh! Yoo oll no dee dreel! Noboddy tweezt yoo armuh toobe heer! Zo, dontuh meka mee lookuh da deekuh becoze Aimmaboud to ged oppzett, anneef Aiged oppzett yoo gonna geddeen trobble!"...

...peekchur ovvan oppzett deekuh...

You can tell that TurkeyHair and Bunny and Harold and Fleasa and a few of the others are struggling to hold in their wild laughter at this decree. How are they going to be "in trouble"? Is FahBeeOh going to chuck a bird at their faces? Shave their heads? Tattle to Andy on them?

Well, after that he apologizes and everybody's finally able to let out their guffaws. After his little threatspeech, he goes right back to TurkeyHair and coincidentally wants him to walk us all through the Headshaving Incident. Serious deep bass notes begin to play as the flashback is shown, and Illyawn tells us that because TurkeyHair had beefs with just about everybody at one point or another, "He became the target." They show big buff Cliff from Season Two wresting skinny little monkeyboy off the couch and getting him down on the floor while Illyawn films and Sam has some kind of buzzing electrical device going in another room off-camera...

...then he clamb on toppa me and do his bidness...

Um, that's a dream-evening for some of us. Okay, I'm kidding, it was kinda uncomfortable to watch, and clearly TurkeyHair's still not over it and not happy about having it dredged up again. Of course, he's not Cliff, who was an awesome chef who got kicked off the show and was never heard from again, so his whining about how awful it was loses a lot of it's potency. Plus, you just can't take somebody seriously when they have such a stupid hairstyle. Even better still, you want to know who TurkeyHair's got a connection with?...

...yup, that's Li'l Volt!...

Now that everybody's good and depressed, they remember that there's still food to be had at this bitchfest, and it's time for Fleasa & BlazeHawk's dish...

...beef with a giant spit-loogie on it...

No, actually, Blazey tells us that's some "Cap'n Crunch air" and deadpans that Cap'n Crunch is "seasonal". Only Blazey and Fleasa laugh at that lamer. FahBeeOh asks everyone what was the mostest funnest fight, and Fleasa says their Stew Room Brawl of Season 4 that involved Spiky Evangelass, Antonia, Jen Beasty, Fleasa, Dung v2.0, the Gorton's fisherman, Billie Jean King, Michael Jackson, and possibly Jesus...

...I never blamed Stephanie / Yoda for looking frightened and fleeing, when the lesbianas start to do the gorilla dance then you know someone's going to lose a gonad...

Yes, watching Dung v2.0 getting all gangsta and grabbing his dick was special, too...

...funny how he's holding the one thing (besides soap and water) that would never intimidate Fleasa...

Boy, that sure was an estrogen-vs-testosterone-a-thon, wasn't it? I'm not gonna say which chefs had what hormones, let's just move on to Season Five's dessert...

...awww, no curdled souffles?...

Naturally, everybody eats it and raves about how awesome it is and how it would totally win a Top Chef Finale. Before shutting everything down and FahBeeOh gets sent back to be dry-fucked by Andy Cohen for not stirring up enough shit, everybody talks about how much fun the Stew Room is, especially when you are drunk...

...and lonely, like Brian "Troll Patch" Malarkey...

Yes, did you know they get drunk and dance and play volleyball and sing awful songs to each other and giggle a lot? Oh, and Season Five gets an unofficial award for having made a bed out of nothing but hundreds of inflated Glad bags and Saran Wrap, which is pretty ingenius, especially since it would clean up so easily after Hoser and Possible Stalker Leah got done on it. You know, I have to say, actually being drunk is a lot funnier than watching other people be drunk.

And that's a wrap! What did you think of this (admittedly kinda lame) episode? Were you like me, initially excited and expecting delicious fireworks, and then finding yourself barely getting a half-woody out of it? Or did you think it delivered like Domino's? Isn't FahBeeOh a terrible hostess? Bring Andy back next time! Unless he's too busy doing those damned "Watch What Happens (When I Kiss Z-List Reality Star-Anus)" shows?

As always, thanks you guys for your patience and commentary, I hope I delivered on my promise to jazz this shit up. Oh, and if you're easily spooked by long dark hallways in your own home, do NOT go and see Paranormal Activity. I haven't been able to make it down to my bedroom since.

love, J-Mo :)