Dancing With The Stars: Kelly Osbourne Bizarrely Makes The Final

So you're a Dancing With The Stars voter. Your actions will decide who makes the Dancing With The Stars final.

You have four remaining dancers. One is Mya, perhaps the best celebrity dancer in the show's history. One is Donny Osmond, the beloved cultural icon. One is Joanna Krupa, a smouldering bikini model. And one is Kelly Osbourne, who is Kelly Osbourne. You have to eliminate one dancer, effectively stopping them from wriggling around a studio in a barely-there scrap of sequinned spandex the following week.

And you choose to eliminate Joanna Krupa. Dancing With The Stars voters, you confuse us sometimes.

Spoiler alert: Mya wins the Dancing With The Stars final next week. She has to, surely. We've looked at this from every angle and it seems clear that Mya – who's received two sets of perfect scores in the last fortnight – can't not win Dancing With The Stars. Just look at her competition. Sure, Donny Osmond might be all lovable and toothy and less prone to spontaneously falling over than his sister; and Kelly Osbourne might be, you know, still inexplicably part of Dancing With The Stars, but Mya's the only actual dancer left.

But what do we know? Nothing, that's what. If we were in charge of Dancing With The Stars then things would have all been so different. Kelly Osbourne would have been eliminated back in September, and we'd have only booked Aaron Carter as part of an elaborate plan to use springs to fire him through the studio roof and into the lion enclosure of the neighbouring zoo on the first day of rehearsals. And Joanna Krupa definitely wouldn't have been eliminated from the show last night.

But, alas, she was. Despite possessing everything we like about models (physical attractiveness) and nothing we dislike about models (self-awareness, basic cognitive ability), Joanna Krupa was given the heave-ho from Dancing With The Stars last night, meaning that she'll miss the grand final. And, boy oh boy, was she angry when she found out. E! Online reports:

'It's been such an amazing experience and I've grown as a person,' the 30-year-old model said after hearing the disappointing news. 'Thank you to the judges. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. I had a great partner.'

Yeah, that's right Joanna! You tell those bastards!

But while Joanna Krupa has been forced to hand in her glittery unitard and go back to a life of wearing bikinis, swathing herself in goose fat and pulling sexy faces that make it look as if she's trying to work out a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle, the rest of us get to look forward to next week's Dancing With The Stars final. Who's going to win?

Well, Mya, obviously. We said as much a few paragraphs ago. Seriously, you people have terrible memories.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

//