Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Five crappy stylists, one jailbait owner and a tranny in a palm tree.

Episode two of Tabatha's Salon Takeover brings Tabatha Coffey to Miami, Florida to meet with Pablo, owner of Allure Salon. Pablo is barely able to drink and but is on the brink of bankruptcy as owner of the Coconut Grove salon. Pablo took a job at the front desk of Allure out of high school, and worked there for a few years before he was offered the opportunity to buy. Whatever creep sold him the equivalent of a headless parakeet is now out of the picture and Pablo is left to shoulder the massive debt. It's time for Tabatha to intervene.



She'll find you there. Pablo cashed in the Bonds from grandma and sank $50K into Allure. He has also run up almost $20K is back rent and $5K in products, and is now about $75K in debt. For his terribly native trouble he received a salon full of over the hill, loud mouth stylists, with more yap than talent. Pablo never attended beauty school as has no beauty training. So he has no training in beauty or business, and is therefore running his beauty business into the ground. He has holds no authority in the salon and his staff treats him like he was the owner of the local lunch cart, not the salon.

Tabatha sits down with Pablo and learns that he is also bartending to keep himself afloat because he only takes home about $400 a month as owner of Allure. Tabatha is in awe of Pablo's predicament and the two sit down for the "Men on Film" segment, ehem... "Surveillance" segment to assess the salon staff.





Hated it.
We first meet Joy, a stylist with 17 years of experience. Mostly in retirement communities???



I think you could do more wash'n sets in Boca, dear. Joy has the hair of an alcoholic 1950's housewife and the intellectual capacity and grace of a junkyard dog. She's smacking her gum while conducting a client's service and the camera pans down to reveal that Joyless is also wearing a outfit only fit for Dr. Frankenfurter's Jeff Spicoli costume -- fishnets and cut offs. Would you not run if this woman was your stylist?

So Joy is employeed to cater to the up-scale Transylvanian raver crowd... what other gems are in the rough of the Allure salon?



God's gift to recappers... Alex is a new stylist with one year of experience in the salon. He has taken on the role of Allure Salon's Agador Spartacus and does more dancing than work.

1996:



2009:



Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness? In conjunction with being the salon spectacle, Alex is also Allure's passive aggressive bouncer. In surveillance footage, we see a woman come in to ask for a price and is instead given the cold shoulder by Alex who never fetches Pablo to provide a quote for the plump patron.

Then we're back to Joy who is about to have a COPS-style fit because she thinks her client was undercharged. So she screams. At the owner. In the middle of the salon. And he takes it.



He may have liked it.
We're then treated to more footage of Pablo being ordered around the salon. If this were high school, Pablo would be the JV equipment manager, not the team captain. He fetches robes and mixes color and scuttles about staring at his feet and trying not to anger the hyenas he employs.

TCoif is not happy to see this young manager taking so much abuse (especially when it's not at her hands) and is ready to take over.

During "The Takeover" Tabatha addresses the staff and Alex is already wetting his faux-Armani boxer briefs. She will rule for a week and by the time the week's over, some of the staff may be unemployed. Time to addresses the staff...



I got a lot of problems with you people. Joy wants a high end clientele, but looks like all she can attract is cockroaches. Tabatha sets her eyes on her immediately and chastises her for the gum, the clothes and the 'tude.

Alex blew off a client and cost the salon money. Tabatha points out that clients = money. Alex is almost receptive to the criticism, or so we're led to believe, until Alex takes to confessional about to review Tabatha...



Alex and his best impression of Tabzilla attacking Miami. Time for the tour. Tabatha says the decor of the salon reminds her of Miami Vice. It's a little outdated. I wouldn't say it's terrible. It could use a fresh coat of paint, but as long as Joy remains the major eye sore of Dade county I wouldn't worry about the wall color scaring away clients.

It's also a little dirty. The retail section is dirty, stations are dirty and the break room is dirty. Since none of Allure's employees seem willing to act as a stylist, I don't see why any would volunteer for maid service.

Tabatha's ready to send all the staff home and reminds them that tomorrow will be the staff meeting, apparently the first staff meeting in 7 months. I can't see the benefit to gathering these people together... unless it was for psychological testing.



They'll never find the cheese, if they can't find the soap. Tabatha gets in a couple digs at Joy's clothes and reminds them to dress appropriately for work the next day. So Jaunty Joy shows up the next day looking like (as TCoif puts it)a "Disco Mermaid." Thank you Tabatha. I was going to say lizard club wear, but yours is better.



The Little Disco Mermaid, from the shores of Staten Island.
At the staff meeting the employees of Allure continue to gripe about not being led and not respecting Pablo because he doesn't lead and not allowing him to lead because they don't have respect for him. Obviously these people skipped the philosophy requirement in beauty school and aren't bothered my this failed logic... I guess debates of Renaissance humanism aren't as common as conflicts such as, "who left their flask in the crapper?"

Speaking of break through schools of thought, Tabatha whips out the daily specials sign that Pablo has used to decorated the outside of the door of Allure salon. Apparently Pablo discounts services as a way of bringing in new clients. It works for Wal-Mart but it hasn't been working for Allure. Like anything could make this group look cheaper and less appealing than a Tacos, Tacos, Tacos special by Terry.

Tabatha has had about enough and sends the staff to clean their stations which immediately leads to a fight started by who knows about who cares. All the stylists get involved, nothing gets resolved and Pablo is not surprised to find them about to rip each other apart easier than the seams of Joy's Reynolds Wrap pants.

The fight is finally quelled by the appearance of Pablo and his best school boy attire. So not only has he never picked up a comb or bothered with a copy of "What Color is your Parachute," Pablo is also dresses like he will yield to anyone with the authority of a hall monitor.

Tabatha's models arrive and all the stylists get to work as Tabatha makes the rounds to assess. Joy talks over her client and doesn't allow her to enough time to express what she wants. Joy interupts her and starts yammering about a straightening service. Partially because Tabatha must agree that Joy should not be trusted with anything more potent that VO5, she stops her tirade and encourages her to listen to her client.

Irina meets with her model and after her client conveys what she would like to see, Irina kinda leans toward her and tell her that if she wants to pull off that hairstyle, she going to have to "make an effort."



And also, I have a penis. Seriously, is this chick real, or his Alexis Arquette getting into character for a Beauty Shop spinoff? Post-Op Shop maybe?

During Alex's consultation he tells his client that the new cut will "not make her look so drained" BAH hahahaha... It's like they've never had interaction with a client before. Or a person before. 0-3. Damn.

Tabatha returns to Joy who has moved on to applying color to her client's hair. And by "applying" I mean she is slopping it with less precision than a 3 year-old with finger paint. She's adding foils to her client's head and Tabatha can see that she's not administering a precise application.



Mr. Magoo could see this is not a precise application. The foils seem to be repelled by this woman's scalp... even without her crystal ball Tabatha can see that this will lead to problems with the color.

Joy claims she's a professional, she's not "just out of beauty school... she knows what's she's doing." Whenever anyone says they "know what they're doing" I expect some small explosion to light up behind them. Maybe I spend too much time watching 1980's action films, but I wouldn't put it past this woman to put a couple of bottles of aerosol hair spray in the dryer with a batch of towels.

Alex's technique is not terrible, but he does send Pablo on an errand and Tabatha picks up a "tone." Tabatha pulls Pablo aside and points out that Alex's comment could be interpreted as an order. And Pablo really needs to address how his staff speaks to him.



Lesson One: Stop looking foolish. Now for the results of the assessment. Tabatha meets with Carlos and tells him the cut is uneven. In a masterful bit of professional maneuvering, Carlos blames his uneven cut on his client's hair.



And her stupid face. I was distracted. Irina get a pass, her color was nice. Alex had a slight bleed from his foils, but he was enthusiastic and Tabatha approves. Joy is a shit show. Her color is uneven and she doesn't get the coverage she claimed she could with her 17 years of experience. She doesn't even live up to title of wash girl, she leaves color on the client's scalp.



Told 'ya. She can't find the soap. Tabatha thinks all in all, it was a mediocre performance by team Allure. The staff is dismissed for the day and Tabatha meets with Pablo to discuss the team's shortcomings. Tabatha says in very simple terms -- they're whiney and terrible, which is why he needs to take the reins and lead them. And wear big boy pants, please.

Pablo seems to agree with all Tabatha is saying, although she isn't convinced he can man up and lead. I think it's the shorts.

The next day Tabatha and Pablo begin to put together rules for his stylists and the salon. Pablo seems to just repeat everything Tabs has mentioned, no gum, no tackiness... pretty much, don't be Joy.

The stylists arrive to review the rules. They all seem to agree with the rules, yet Joy does not spontaneously combust, so the rules are not yet in effect.



I think that scarf really grounds Joy's outfit. Hell, Joy is breaking most of the rules by coming in to work sporting a hair piece ripped from Madonna's 1990 Blond Ambition Tour. It's looks like it's manufactured by Mattel and it's a completely different blond than the Simpson yellow color of the hair on her scalp. As a hair dresser, she's okay with this. As a viewer, I am not.

So naturally it's time to go to the beach!

Tabatha has set up a marketing event on beach for the stylists of Allure. She asks the stylists to bring back potential clients for a cut or consultation, and make sure to invite people to the grand re-opening of the salon.

Tabatha sends them out to mingle with the crowds and bring people back. I like to believe she chose this location just to see Joy navigate the sands of Miami while dressed like a geriatric hooker.

As she stumbles down the beach Tabatha can't help but contribute that she looks like "a washed-up, leather, hooker troll doll." Wow Bravo, you really know how to pick subjects for these series.



Please don't take my recapping from me... This is when iTunes decided they were finished with the episode. Luckily had some time on my hands (like between the hours of 9 and 5) and I assailed them with emails, so you were not robbed of the following pics.

Tabatha sends Pablo to the restaurant where is bartends to pass out flyers and make announcement about the reopening of Allure. And luckily Miss Chichi Rodriquez was on hand to make the announcement and talk up the salon.



One Princess Point...

Two if you get me a coconut. And we almost missed this pic. Damn you iTunes.

Pablo takes a stroll with Tabatha and tells her that he has never thought of doing an marketing event, but he should really do more events like this. Maybe expand his marketing prospects beyond a sandwich board and Joy's appearance on Jerry Springer.

Once they wrap at the beach, Tabatha has another surprise for team Allure back at the salon. She wants them to start the renovations.



But first she'll have them dressed up like a chorus line of Mike TeeVee's... T-Coif breaks out the paint and has the staff start the application. Because they work so well with 1 inch strips of hair, yeah move on to the walls.

Next time we find the stylists it's time for the reopening. The desk has been replaced and the place has been throughly cleaned and painted.








Before and After, Botox has not allowed Tabatha to change much... Joy has dressed "appropriately" for work today. If appropriately means braless and wearing an outfit pulled together from a scrap pile at a Bombay flag shop. She's also sporting a variation of the crappy hair piece she wore a couple days ago.





If Lady Godiva was a colorblind stripper, she still wouldn't be caught dead with that on her head. Alex is flitting about around Tabatha and is acting a little enamored with her. However, he's not tempted by her attempts to flirt back.





Exactly this much tempted... Pablo makes the rounds to try to encourage his staff. However going around repeating the same phase like he is equipped with a pull string is not impressing Ms. Coffey, she takes Pablo aside to suggest he appoint a head stylist. Pablo is not a stylist and he needs someone in the salon to set the artistic direction.



In a direction away from the Everglades' trailer parks... Clients have returned to Allure salon and each stylist will once again be appraised by Tabatha.

Not a minute passes before T is circling Joy. As Joy is applying highlights Tabatha addresses her, tells her that she's sloppy. She also calls her lazy and complacent. And nothing pisses Joy off like words she doesn't understand.



I think she's about to say a word we all understand. And Joy does finally pull out the big guns and she calls Tabatha a bitch. Shock! Ahh!

Tabatha barely blinks one of her albino bunny eyes (haha, thanks Roja!) and pulls Pablo aside to tell him it's necessary to address Joy. She cannot display this type of behavior on the floor. Pablo does stand his ground with Joy although she counters with an impressive argument, she comes from a "dysfunctional family."

Time for final recommendations. Pablo tried but wasn't fooling anyone, he's not a stylist, he needs an actual stylist in a leading role to mentor the less experienced (and straight up crappy ones) and provide an artistic direction. Tabatha recommends Irina for the role of Head Stylist. She's presented the most consistent, high quality work. Although if there's ever a run on do it yourself doll hair, not choosing Joy will have been a huge misstep.

Tabatha also tells Pablo he has stopped being the salon bitch and she's proud.

Back in the huddle with all the stylists, Pablo names Irina the head stylist and announces he will be giving Joy a second chance.

Tabatha is adds that Pablo has matured a lot and he has "filled his big boy pants -- with his balls."



Just a little elastic basket to hold my peaches... When Tabatha returns to Allure 6 weeks later, Joy is still employed. She's less intense but still dressing like a deflated Anna Nicole. Irina is pleased with the changes she's seen in Allure. I'm pleased with the changed I see in her hair. Pablo is planning a charity event for Allure to participate in, and he will not be the charity anymore.

Tabatha has succeeded again. What did you think of this week? Does Pablo have what it takes to keep the salon afloat? Did Joy deserve to keep her job, and where the hell did she steal that hair from?