For the Love of Ray J: Still Smashing

This week we learn that Lava is psycho, Just Right is boring, one of the girls smashed a homie (again) and the producers of the show always highlight the women who will be eliminated at the top of the show. Who smashed a homie you ask? I'll give you one hint: It's the celibate one.

"Celibate means you don't have sex? Well that changes everything!"

I'm so excited to see this episode because I'm actually getting to memorize the girls' names now. Lava, tall one with a bad weave, draws a sketch of Ray J. If you recall, Danger painted a portrait of Ray and was later sent home for being COMPLETELY INSANE! To Lava's credit, it looks a little more like Ray J than Danger's painting.

If Ray J was a cross eyed, one-eared bank robber head with no body.

To Exotica's credit, and I will only do this one time, she accurately describes the drawing as looking like a police sketch.

When zee poleese peeked me up for being a hooka, my pitcher looked juz like eet.

And what's up with Lava's accent? Sometimes it's there, someties it isn't. She has some kind of island accent which supports my speculation that she was channeling Rihanna last week. This is like the United Nations of dating shows: Non-speaking English Exotica, Island accent Lava, Straight off the boat Caliente, Lil B's Aztecian pronunciation of Jaguar and country as hell Just Right. What's Ray J trying to do? Get his green card to another country?! But I digress; our favorite R&B ex-patriot is back to give the girls their mission for today courtesy of Lil B's magic remote control.

"Your man pushed my hairline back three inches."

Ray J says in his message that he loves to hit the clubs with ladies who get it poppin' so he's having a dance challenge. Yes, yes, yes! I wanted a dance challenge ever since Popper says she knows how to pop and lock. I can't wait to see what she's gonna do. BTW, this is Popper.



Extra is so happy that she has another chance to win Ray J's heart and she knows she'll win because she has the secret weapon...

"Spirit fingers bitch!"

The girls arrive at the performance area that only Ray J's star power can command.

An abandoned crackhouse.

Dre Sinatra is Ray J's friend and DJ for the competition and Ray has bought along a few friends to help the girls get ready for the competition.

Is it NKOTB? Backstreet Boys? Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike?

No, it's Supercr3w from ABDC. They're lovely too and they put on a great performance as usual but I was really hoping for an acapella rendition of Tearin' Up My Heart. Ray J announces that there will be three groups and the winning team will get to go out with him. Based on last week's reward, I'm guessing that they'll be going to the same restaurant they went to last year.

Lava's group, Talk of the Town, is cenetered around her acrobatic abilities and if she can manage to pull it off, I think her group might actually do well if Mz Berry and Just Right's old behinds can keep up with her.

"That Lava sho is cuh-raz-eee. She's goo-wood but I nee-yed a brea-yuk."

Luscious wastes no time getting in one the action.

Celibacy never looked so slutty.

Ray J and Dre talk while the girls are rehearsing and he tells Ray that the girls lok great but one looks familiar. Dre can not remember her name, I hope he gets tested daily, but says she had on brown & pink. Hold the hell up; who wears brown and pink? Ray j realizes that the girl in question is his precious Luscious. All he wants for her to do is be honest with him. Yeah, let's see how that works out for him.

Ray J has summoned a crowd to observe the show and they can barely contain their excitement.

Simply thrilled.

Lala, who usually hosts the reuinion shows, hosts the dance contest. Way to build up the resume Lala. She earns her $27 by explaining that each team gets one minute to perform and whichever team gets the loudest applause, will win the date. Hot Damn Crew is up first and is comprised of Extra, Paradeez, Caliente, Exotica, and maybe one or two other girls who haven't made an impression on me yet. They do the following:







I thought they had good energy and decent moves. It was like a Danity Kane video on a higher budget. Sting Ray Crew is up next and it's comprised of Flossy, Popper, Heart Breaker, Platinum, and Adorable. It went a little like this:







Umm...well...errr...they were very...dressed in blue. That was the nicest thing I could say. First problem, they spent too much time on the floor with their legs crossed. Crossed legs never got a ho anywhere. Secondly, they looked like a group of flat chested, sixth grade lesbians at a school dance who had sniffed some glue, were too afraid to dance with boys and instead resorted to using dance moves pioneered by Debbie Gibson and perfected by Tiffany. No one could believe how horrible it was and the crowd booed. Platinum channeled her inner Sheree.

"Who gon' boo me boo?"

"This is what my life's come to?"

"This is what my career's come to?"

Talk of the Town Crew is comprised of Lava, Luscious, Mz Berry and Just Right. They do this:



"This one's for you Dre!"

They actually had a concept of sorts. They had a reptilian tiger theme going on and it was pretty good. I think the energy of Hot Damn was better though. Lala explains the voting process again in case the audience never saw an episode of Showtime at the Apollo and has forgotten how to vote. Hot Damn gets decent applause and the Sting Rays basically get booed. Talk of the Town gets the most applause and they win. The team gets split in half for a two night date special. Mz Berry & Lava on the first night and Just Right & Luscious on the second night.

Before they leave the crackhouse, Ray J stops to console Caliente who is crying.

"I no get my visa if we no marry."

Ray J was happy that she showed her emotions-she's safe for another week. I seem to recall the same thing happening last season with a certain Cuban named Feisty. Damn they've really just repeated every scene from season one. Befor Ray's date, he runs into Luscious and Platinum in the bathroom. He asks Luscious if she has something to tell him and she says no. It's pretty obvious that she does and if she's smart, she'll tell him. This could be a case of mistaken identity; even Dre was unsure of her face. After all he only saw the back of her head that night *rimshot*.

On to the dates. Ray talks to Mz Berry about her life and she fills him on all the details. She married young, it didn't work out, it was hard finding work after WWI and she's moving on. Lava whips out a can of crazy and asks Ray about his craziest past incident. Then she asks if a girl has ever hit him. Ray says no and she says that she's hit men before out of frustration. Did I not hint at this last week? She's just a taller, less attractive Rihanna.

After this admission, they abruptly leave for the club. What a surprise, they're at a club. Just like last season. Lava is dancing all over Ray J and coming on really strong. Mz Berry isn't having as much success.

"I was just trying to stand upright without my cane."


The tables turn briefly and Mz Berry gets in some dance time. Lava is pissed and gets an attitude in the truck on the way home. At this point I am really beginning to think that this woman is certifiable. Who gets all possessive and psycho this soon and on a show in which you could get sent home for being just a little cuckoo? It doesn't help that Lava isn't even cute enough to pull off this pouting thing.

Ray J goes over to talk to Lava before he goes to the pool with the other girls and Lava says she doesn't wanna talk to Ray J with people around. The only problem is that no one is around. Ladies and gents, we've got another Danger on our hands. Lava tells Ray that the other girls didn't win so they don't deserve his time. Then she tells him to keep his ass in the room. In the words of the illustrious Flavor Flav...

Wooowwwww.


Make that a double wooooowwwww. Retiring from reality TV does not agree with Flav. Lava keeps talking and it just sounds like crazy talk to me. Ray J tells her that she has a problem if she can't tell him what's wrong. Ray J says that he asked her repeatedly what was wrong. He asked her in the car, on the couch, in his room and she still isn't comfortable. He isn't in the mood for mind games and he says that when she's ready to let him in, let him know. Ray J goes out to the pool and has a great time with the rest of the girls but especially Flossy. But then we get a glimpse of Lava staring at them from the balcony. But what's even creepier is this!

Why does Extra look like the lady who sells cats in front of the liquor store?

The girls are a little freaked out by her psycho behavior and Flossy and Ray J go into the house for some PT. It means Private Time but I'm willing to bet that there's another 'P' word that could fit into there. Flossy and Lava go up to Ray's room and Lava is still in there. She's officialy scarier than Danger.

The next morning, Ray takes Luscious and Just Right shoe shopping. Just Right is nice but boring. They just sit there and don't talk. What is wrong with these women? They go for ice cream and Ray J takes some alone time with Luscious. Ray asks if she knows him and she says that they are Twitter friends. He keeps asking if he KNOWS him and she still will not admit that she's had sex with him. What a dumb bitch! Obviously Ray knows; just freakin' tell him. Finally se confesses that she 'met" him ine night and they "messed around." Luscious tries to turn it around and say that Dre is trying to make himself look good. Umm no ho. Dre is trying to find out if he needs to pick up a Z pack for Ray.

Platinum and Luscious talk about the situation and Platinum tells Ray that Luscious should stay because she really cares about him. Ray can't believe that he's going through this again. Whatever will he do? Let's find out at Eliminations.

Mz Berry gets the first glass for being classy, Caliente gets the second for being whiny and Extra gets the third for taking those damn glasses off. The ceremony continues and Ray tells Heart Breaker that he needs to see more from her. Expect some additional nudity next week folks. It's down to Just Right, Luscious and Lava. Ray J tells Just Right that she fell flat on their date and he can not give her a glass. She lives and says that she wishes him the best.

Ray J can not believe that he and Lava had their first argument already. He reveals that Luscious smashed a homie but he's more upset that she did not tell him about it. He calls Lava down and tells her that she got weird even after he tried to see what was wrong with her. Lava leaves and says that he has to work for her and she's not going to give at all. And that's why you are going home. Luscious apologizes and gets her glass.

Another week down, 18 more to go. Lava said she wouldn't bow down to Ray J but I have a feeling one of the ladies will. Here's an early Chrismahannukwanzaa present.



Nothing says love like herpes simplex.

This season remember to give thanks...for women like these who make you and I feel just a little bit better about ourselves. On my way to see New Moon; I know that I'm a loser but at least I'm not a Lava *rimshot.*