Who Wants To Hear About Lindsay Lohan's Potatoes?

It's Thanksgiving! That means two things – nothing has happened today, and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TODAY.

Actually, that's a lie. One thing has happened today. One scorching hot piece of news that's likely to make you fall off your seat in utter astonishment. It's easily the biggest piece of celebrity news this year, and possibly even this decade. Ready? Are you ready to have your senses fried and your brain melted by this unstoppable, world-changing piece of unquestionably seminal information? Are you? OK, here goes…

Lindsay Lohan's mum says that Lindsay Lohan makes quite nice mashed potatoes. That's right, consider your mind BLOWN.

Thanksgiving is great. Actually, that probably needs a qualifier. Thanksgiving is great if you're American. It's the day when all Americans get to sit around and eat too much – which we're told is different to the other 364 days of the year, although we still need to be convinced of that.

But if you're not American and, say, you write for an entertainment website that's largely skewed towards American celebrities, Thanksgiving is rubbish. Nothing will happen today and – just as a heads up for anyone planning to come back tomorrow – nothing's going to happen then, either. Because tomorrow is Black Friday, so called for being the day when all Americans spend a full 24 hours squeezing painfully-large ink-coloured turds out of their bottoms as a result of eating five times their own body weight in poultry the day before.

But it's not all bad news. If it wasn't for Thanksgiving, for instance, we wouldn't know that Lindsay Lohan can make mashed potatoes quite well. Because she can, you know, and she's going to show off her potato-making skills for her family later today. Dina Lohan said so. And thank Christ she did. People reports:

'Lindsay is making the garlic mashed potatoes. They are amazing!' Dina Lohan told PEOPLE. As for how her daughter her is doing, Dina says, 'Lindsay is doing great right now. She's happy and very busy working. She works a lot and so we're excited to have her home for Thanksgiving… Ali is doing the stuffing and I'm doing the turkey and making sure nothing burns,' says Dina.

There's something about that last paragraph that doesn't quite ring true, isn't there? Are Lindsay Lohan's garlic mashed potatoes really amazing? Are they? Because we can't help feeling that if Lindsay Lohan's garlic mashed potatoes were really that amazing, Dina Lohan would have found a way to give herself all the credit for their success and then star in a reality TV show that constantly alluded to them by now.

Still, we'd love to know what Lindsay Lohan's potato-making secret is. We hear it's shouting 'Do you know who I am?' at the potatoes until they lose their structural integrity. Or forming them into the shape of a mannish-looking woman and then having sex with them until they're ready. Or cocaine. Oh, we don't know. Frankly we're astounded that you're still reading this.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

//