Tiger Woods: Rachel Uchitel Is Delightful, Says Rachel Uchitel

Hey kids, remember Rachel Uchitel? Sure you do – she's the woman alleged to be Tiger Woods' mistress.

No, not Jaimee Grubbs. And not Holly Sampson. And not Kalika Moquin. Or Jamie Jungers or Cori Rist or Mindi Lawton. Rachel Uchitel. Oh, you remember Rachel Uchitel – she's the woman currently trapped underneath the mountain of silicon, collagen and ratty nylon hair weaves that Tiger Woods reportedly inserts his penis into on a regular basis.

Now, if you were Rachel Uchitel, your best bet would be to embrace anonymity by blending into the crowd. Tell that to Rachel Uchitel, though – she's decided to announce that she isn't a whore. No, we don't know why, either.

You have to feel sorry for Rachel Uchitel, don't you? After all, at first it looked like Tiger Woods crashed his car purely because his wife discovered that he'd been nobbing her. But that just wasn't the case – now it appears to be the case that Tiger Woods had been nobbing everybody. Literally everybody. We feel slightly left out because Tiger Woods hasn't been nobbing us. Or maybe he has – we did sleep with our bedroom window open a few nights ago, and Tiger does seem to be a fairly prolific nobber. We just don't know.

But back to Rachel Uchitel. Tiger Woods was going to be her meal ticket. Being the other woman should have generated Rachel Uchitel a windfall, but that didn't happen. She's been outclassed. Other alleged Tiger Woods mistresses have got their kiss and tell stories in first, plus they're all generally more leathery and cartoonish than she is. All Rachel Uchitel has are memories of tongue-kissing Tiger Woods – which is bad enough as it is – and a growing reputation as a disgusting, home-wrecking tramp.

Which, for some reason, she doesn't seem particularly thrilled about. So, to right things, Rachel Uchitel has invited OK! magazine into her house – which you'll be pleased to know contains both a vase and what appears to either be a candle or a gigantic bright red dildo on a stick – to claw back some dignity. Here's what she said:

'In every story, you need a villain and a hero. I've been characterized as a villain. People have called me homewrecker, gold digger, tramp, whore. I make mistakes, but I'm not those things. I have very good qualities. When you're judged by the nation, it's really difficult. It's horrible.'

She's right. Rachel Uchitel is none of those things, haters. She's not a homewrecker, because Elin Nordegren hasn't divorced Tiger Woods yet. She's not a whore, because she doesn't professionally hire her body out for sex. And you can never call Rachel Uchitel a gold digger – she's always been proud to be financially independent. She didn't allegedly have sex with Tiger Woods to get at his money – she allegedly had sex with Tiger Woods so that OK! magazine could pay her a stack of money for an exclusive interview about it afterwards. She's an entrepreneur, if anything.

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