Sorry Weird Girls, Vince Vaughn Is Married

Many of us were hoping that Vince Vaughn would remain a committed, party-loving bachelor until the day he died.

Not because it suits him, though. No, we wanted Vince Vaughn to remain unmarried because that way he'd have less inspiration for films like Couples Retreat and The Break-Up, which would be a good thing because those films make us want to hack off our genitals and bury them in the garden as an apology on behalf of Vince Vaughn to the concept of masculinity.

But that's not to be. On Saturday Vince Vaughn got married to his girlfriend Kyla Weber. And we're happy for them both. So long as Vince Vaughn promises to never make a film about it.

Wait a minute – we've gone about this all wrong. Vince Vaughn has just got married. We shouldn't be congratulating Vince Vaughn or Kyla Weber at all – we should be pointing out that Jennifer Aniston is sad and alone and unmarried and a bitter wretch of a woman, shouldn't we? Maybe we can find a photo of her momentarily looking at her shoes and use it to illustrate the imaginary point that she's constantly depressed and crestfallen about Vince Vaughn moving on and Brad Pitt leaving her and stuff. Right?

No? We should leave that sort of stuff to the magazines? Oh, fine. We'll just get on with discussing Vince Vaughn's wedding then, shall we? Spoilsports.

Anyway, on Saturday Vince Vaughn got married to Kyla Weber in a ceremony that was probably quite similar to the recent Jonas Brother's wedding, except some of the people attending had public hair and the groom didn't have a screaming panic attack on the wedding night because it was the first time he'd ever seen a vagina and he thought that it was going to bite him. People reports:

Vince Vaughn married Kyla Weber in a small private ceremony before family and friends on Saturday outside of his hometown of Chicago, his rep confirms to PEOPLE. Vaughn, 39, proposed to Weber, 31, a Canadian real estate agent, last Valentine's Day. 'They could not be happier,' a friend tells PEOPLE. The wedding took place at a historic mansion.

Given that Vince Vaughn is such a private man off-camera, that's just about all we know about his wedding – and all we'll probably ever know. Although, having said that, it's fair to assume that Vince Vaughn didn't write his own vows for the service – because if he did, he'd still be there now, babbling and ad-libbing and riffing in the same monotonous yakkety-yak way hour after hour because, even though it'll all get edited down to a couple of seconds in the wedding video, it'll bulk out the DVD release a bit more if it's included as an extra.

Probably.

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