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PREPARING TO LIZ ALL OVER MYSELF
SEASON FINALE Tonight: Kidney Now!
New April 30th - The Natural Order
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Dr. Spaceman: When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman’s mouth?
Jack: (Puts lollipop into his mouth.)
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Kenneth says...
"Bonus means extra. I know that. From game shows."
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Jack says...
"I have a lump on my ball."
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Tracy says...
"[picking up the phone at Ken's desk] NBC. blah blah blah, thank you. [click]"
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Jack says...
"[into the mirror] Alright Jack, Bottom of the ninth, baaaases loaded. Just Do it! Is it in you! I'm loving it! You magnificent son of a bitch! You're Jack Donaghy; titan, maverick,... lover."
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Jack says...
"I don't like the timing of this at all. Colleen is very vulnerable right now and scam artists can smell that sort of thing. Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. Its America's Australia."
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Jenna: Pete and Liz wanna hire this guy, Jaden. He's evil, Tracy!
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Tracy: He's EVIL TRACY!?... Oh... he's evil comma Tracy. Go on...
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Jack: Anyways, I'm handling the Tracy thing myself.
Liz: Right, play hardball! Get your business jollies!
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Jenna: Let's see what kinda movies he has... Muppets Take Manhattan, Caddy Shack..., and a documentary about how pies are made...
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Liz: Hello Dr. Baird!
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Jack: Well, if you want a good "liz" read this... A list I made in the 5th grade of things I wanted to have done before I turned 50. Live in a house with stairs, beat up a Russian, hit mom with a car. I wonder what that 10-year old would think if he could see himself now. Fly on a plane? I've flown on Air Force One. Go to DisneyLand? Lemon, I've held Walt Disney's frozen head in my hands.
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Liz: That's... awesome.
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Jack: I've hunted the world's most dangerous game... Man. [cough] Manatee. I once, uh, shot a Manatee.
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Liz: Well, if that kid could see himself today, he would throw up. There's only one left Be friends with Batman
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Jack: There's still a couple hours...
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Elisa says...
"Lemon, isn’t there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?"
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Frank: The overweight guy they based Pac-Man on just died
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Tracy: I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
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Liz says...
"[Holding a broken lego train] Sorry, I broke it when I was pretending it was my penis. ROBOT PENIS."
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Jack says...
"lemon, you're going to do this like a Chinese gymnast: wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age."
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Jenna says...
"Do you need a sex tap released? Because I got a weird one. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me."
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Jack: I want to Tupac you.
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Jenna: Fine, but I have to pee first.
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Jack says...
"[In confession] You wanna a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I am divorced, I take the lord's name in vein, often, and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed I am God... during a deposition. Annnnd, I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons grade narcotics."
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Jack says...
"Be careful Lemon, you wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting peed on."
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Jack: Don't cling to this Lemon.
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Liz: [In Jack voice] Be a manager. Control your people. Buy better clothes.
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Jack: I'm allowing this because I made a mistep and I'm handling it. Tracy will be here by Friday night.
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Liz: [In Jack/Batman voice] Just get it done. Nope. I lost it. That was Batman.
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Kenneth says...
"Oh I cleaned up on my last birthday. Look at this keychain - every time you move his head... his head moves! Look!"
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Liz: No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab a cop's gun crazy.
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Jack: Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.
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Liz says...
"[singing] Workin on my 'Night Cheese'..."
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Jack: I disagree. I'm going to find out what was inside that box, I'm going to buy it with money, and it is going to make me happy. And, if that doesn't work - I'm going to Benjamin Button myself.
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Liz: We're not meeting in the middle!
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Tracy says...
"If you have a spaceship and you're looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and 30 million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday."
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Liz: Tracy, are you ready for Larry King Live tonight?
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Tracy: You know it, I cursed for three hours straight just to get it outta my system..., you dumb bitch!
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Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
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Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!
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Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
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Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!
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Jenna: Where do I sign up?
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Dr. Spaceman: Oh please, we don't want a paper trail.
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Jack: Now lemme hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system
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Frank: My client has no memory of that.
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Jack: I also would have accepted You can't prove that's the governor's semen
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Jack says...
"The closest I came to throwing up tonight was when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades."
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Liz: You want the truth Kenneth?!
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Kenneth: I can't handle the truth!
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Liz: There is an adult picture of me on that phone!
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Kenneth: Adult? You mean like driving a car or wearing a suit?
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Liz: Its a boobies picture, kenneth! And I only kept it because, for once, both pointing in the same direction!
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Jack: Imagine a dessert for two, Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream in a pool of Cognac, drizzled in the world's most expensive chocolate, covered in shaved white, black and clear truffles and topped with edible 25 carat gold leaf. Can you imagine anything better?
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Liz: I dunno... have you ever put a doughnut in the microwave?
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Tracy says...
"Here comes the FunCooker!"
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Jack says...
"I didn't know what you were serving so I brought a '65 Moet and some pizza-blasted Pringles."
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Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Cause I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!
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Liz: Ok, that is solid.
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Liz says...
"[Upon meeting Dr. Baird] I want to go to there."
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Jack: Hey - that scarf is fun!
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Liz: Thanks! I found it at Dunkin' --wait a minute...
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Liz: You're no longer allowed to point at women in the cafeteria and yell 'I want to get that pregnant'.
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Tracy: Fine, I'll bring my lunch from home.
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Tracy says...
"I'm scared, but I'm also excited! Hahaha, woooo! I'm Lizzing! Hahaha! Lizzing! I'm Lizzing! Yeah, haha!"
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Tracy: Ken, these interns are wearing me out! It's like I said in my not-hit comedy Clue's Boat, 'I'm getting too old for this ship.'
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Kenneth: Well you are getting older sir, there's no reason you have to keep acting like you're 20.
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Tracy: Yes there is! Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?
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Kenneth: No - that would be terrible! You leave him alone!
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Tracy: Exactly! So if I'm going to keep my hiliairous reputation, these interns gotta go!
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Jenna says...
"The Kids Choice Awards? Fine, I'll set aside my feud with Raven Symone for one day. BUT SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID."
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Jack says...
"I have a betting system based on horse penis size."
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Kenneth says...
"Oh no, what if he doesn't come back? [Southern accent] Oh no when I get upset my accent come out and when it git to comin out, i can't git to talkin nu-uh"
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Liz says...
"I wanna shoop."
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Tracy says...
"A book hasn't caused this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory."
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Liz says...
"Nords!"
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Liz: Have you seen this Tracey thing?
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Jack: I am aware of it. I have a Google Alert for the phrase, "Tracey Jordan ridiculous disaster".
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Tracy: Irregardless!
Ya know what?
[hands Liz yellow card]
RACE CARD
Pete: No no no no don't take it!
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NEW TONIGHT! Jack realizes he has to choose between his relationship with Elisa & his career. Salma Hayek, Larry King, & Meredith Vieira guest star.